Most dads are reluctant dads, doesn’t mean you wont love it

Yeah. When babies are born you think ‘oh, ok’ and then it’s all a bit of a struggle. But when they are 5 and asking you about everything, you’re shopping for a real bike, and you’re the coolest person in their world – it’s much better 🙂

.. and when you are ill on their birthday and all you can manage for a pirate themed cake is a treasure chest, but they still love it and then they giggle with glee when they find out you managed to stuff it with chocolate coins and jelly bean jewels for treasure 🙂

My 3yr old son suddenly said I was a muppet. I laughed like a drain. I asked who said that to mrshora ‘you say it alot/dont you notice/realise’?

Now whenever hora junior disagrees with me he calls me a muppet. Wrong but funny.

chocolate coins and jelly bean jewels for treasure

I’m shocked, a man that gave me death on here for criticising the iDave diet feeds his kids jelly beans. I used to throw the sweets away that were given to my son at kids’ parties.

What wasn’t right for me at 26 (I recently heard she married someone in Switzerland not long after we split up) was at 36. It was worth waiting.

If your GF is the kind who will be continually happy for you to go out and have your adventures whilst she stays at home and looks after your offspring then you are an exceedingly lucky man and you should propose and get on with the baby making ASAP! If however she expects an equal amount of leisure time and you rate your need for adventure more highly then you have a bit of a problem and might want to look at the possibility of trading her in for a more domesticated model. Or you can just man up and make the most of all the little bits of free time that you get when you have a family life. They become much sweeter when your time is limited. And even better when you can share them with your kids.

I dont think you ever just wake up and gpo you know what today I will get married and have kids
I think some women have more of a biological clock issue as their breeding time is limited and therefore they notice this need earlier than males – of course I generalise

OP you sound like you are still quite selfish and want to do your thing [ not a criticism to be clear] and a relationship with kids is nothign but give and take and sacrifice

Personally I would not advise anyone to have kids who really doe snot want to have kids. Despite mollys Bday party the hard work and effort generally outweighs the cool dad moments

That said no one with kids would ever be without them.

I think you know what to do tbh

I’m shocked, a man that gave me death on here for criticising the iDave diet

a) back under your bridge troll

b) sounds like you completely missed my point anyway 🙂

I watched an episode of CSI the other day (of all places!), and this quote really hit me

Do not marry the person you think you can live WITH,

Marry the person you cannot live WITHOUT.

Upon reflection, I think the words are very true. I couldn’t imagine live without mrs xiphon 🙂

I haven’t read any of the replies, but my experience is that by marrying at 39 and having my children at 42 I realise that I was a getting a bit on the old side and (sometimes) wish I did it all a bit earlier.

However, at 35 I couldn’t imagine getting married, never mind the thought of having kids which, frankly, terrified me.

BTW, it was with the same person – I met her when I was 27 (she was 18) so it wasn’t a new person that changed me, rather my outlook on life. It was helped massively by her supporting me in my dream of setting up my own business, financing my dream through the first few months (and letting me go on a week-long bike riding holiday after jacking my job in but before opening the doors of the new business).

OP, can’t imagine you settling down mate! You are under NO obligation/duty to have kids. That’s your decision, and don’t feel like you’re doing the ‘right thing’ by settling down. What’s right for you, only you can decide.

Hope Canada’s treating you well, anyway 🙂

I married young (younger than you) because I suppose “it seemed the right thing to do” at the time and it ended horribly, I am still paying the price in some ways. However, I met Mrs O much later in life than you, and I do now know what it means to know for certain. You just do and don’t need to ask anyone else.

As some have said above, she would not stand in my way for me to do what I (reasonably!) want, there’s no question, just mutual trust. Are you sure you would have that here? Anyway, hope you sort it out for what’s best for you.

Will be up Benderloch way in a couple of weeks with the bikes.

My wife is my best friend and was for nearly a decade before we married. She’s not very interested in my hobbies and pursuits, we differ on 90% of our music tastes. At face value, you would assume that were are not suitable for each other. We have been together for over 21 years now, with 2 kids that I wasn’t keen on but that I love with all my heart.

As has already been said, its about compromise. I don’t get to do half as much as I want because of family commitments, but I have a responsibility to my family that I recognise and willingly commit to. The same is true for her.

Perhaps its because we are different and bring something different to the table that it works for us.

I don’t get to do half as much as I want because of family commitments

For me, those family commitments are the things I *WANT* to do. The whole being a dad/provider/fixer of things/comedian is what makes me tick now – like spending tomorrow building raised vegetable beds so we can grow stuff together as a family. And it’s often the little things that are very special – for example, our two have a play date tonight, two friends from school coming around to our house so I will try my best to leave work a bit early so I can see them all playing together, smiling, laughing, making a racket, breaking things.

Thanks all! Haven’t had a chance to read through completely, stupid of me to post just before I went to bed (Vancouver time, I’m 8 hours behind).

All I’ll say right now is that she is well aware of how I’m thinking so the subject is out in the open, and she is not the sort to sit around twiddling her thumbs either.

I’ll read through properly at lunch time (so 8pm UK time). Appreciate the volume of replies, can’t talk about this to anyone over here!

Here’s a thought… how many of us husbands/fathers do you think suddenly woke up one day and thought “that’s it – I’m done with having fun, I want something else now“? I’m guessing gie few. What tends to happen is that we have a desire to be with another, special, person and that desire starts to force us into compromise – and it’s not like getting married or being a father means you can’t be going off exploring places or taking a less conventional approach to family life. Perhaps if I hadn’t got married and had a daughter I’d have done a lot more, perhaps I would have got bored and sat at home.

In essence, if you’ve met the right person then I don’t see why you should be so conflicted. No one has the right to ask you to give up everything that makes you you, and the right person wouldn’t.

Can you imagine life without her?

Honestly? Yes. Doesn’t mean life with her is not good though.

My SO has never ridden a bike OP. Sometimes you need space

Its not little things like a quick bike ride at the weekend, its giving up on three week tours or successive weekends away. I don’t feel I’ve done enough of either.

but you may need to compromise on some things a little

Agreed, I’m getting used to that idea, what’s scaring me is the amount of compromise, and how that fits in with the idea I had of my future. I also feel like I’m having to make more compromise than she is, although I’m sure she feels the same, she might be sacrificing citizenship in Canada if we move home in July!

its unfair for you to string her along expecting something

Something I’m very aware of and actively trying to avoid, its been almost three years together although almost 1 whole year of that was long distance.

Why are these mutually exclusive? Is she preventing you from doing things you enjoy, or are you just electing not to because you think it’s what she wants? What about your five year plan?

‘messing about’ was a bad choice of phrase, as above, I mean long cycle tours, weekends away, three weeks in Nepal, etc. etc. She is perfectly reasonable, I guess, to ask me to reign these plans in if we have a kid, which is why I’m ‘scared’ I guess, I started seeing the world a bit later than others and I’m not done!

wouldn’t you love to be able to share that with your kids?

Eventually… but not the big stuff, not yet.

Its not just the ‘fun’ stuff I’m worried about missing out on, its simple things like the opportunity to spend time in other offices in the UK, the employer I might be returning to in Edinburgh asked how I might feel about spending time in the Manchester office where they need me more. I’d be totally open to a year or two in a different city, even 3 or 4 if I knew I could return to Edinburgh eventually. Hence the fear of settling.

I saw a good article which talks about ‘self expansion’ (and didn’t mean 10 big macs for dinner). It said some people ‘expand’ by exposing themselves to new and different experiences, others ‘expand’ by opening themselves up to another person, and kids. I guess I feel like I’m one of the former…

To be continued…

I still don’t see that the two are mutually exclusive. You could find a partner that also wanted to move around different cities etc. or look at how folk in the Armed Forces manage?

I’ve been happily (more or less!) married for 15 years now, and I can still remember being in your place back when I was still legally free and single…

Life doesn’t end when you get married – in fact it’s pretty much the same. It’s just a piece of paper.

Life doesn’t end when you have kids, either – it does change, and not in all aspects for the better, but you still have your space, you can still head out on your bike, and you can still go out for a drink with your mates. Maybe not as often or as freely as you can now, but don’t for one second think having kids is the end of the world. It’s not. (And don’t forget that your mates will probably end up having kids, too – stay single and you could quite easily find all your mates have turned “boring” and you’re the odd one out…)

Its not just the ‘fun’ stuff I’m worried about missing out on, its simple things like the opportunity to spend time in other offices in the UK, the employer I might be returning to in Edinburgh asked how I might feel about spending time in the Manchester office where they need me more. I’d be totally open to a year or two in a different city, even 3 or 4 if I knew I could return to Edinburgh eventually. Hence the fear of settling.

That’s not actually that difficult – what’s a lot harder (IME) on a family is regular travel, various days a week somewhere else. Being posted abroad for a couple of years is relatively easy, assuming your salary is enough to support you all. Kids adapt surprisingly well to changes of school etc., but within limits – and schooling does impose a certain timetable on you.

I saw a good article which talks about ‘self expansion’ (and didn’t mean 10 big macs for dinner). It said some people ‘expand’ by exposing themselves to new and different experiences, others ‘expand’ by opening themselves up to another person, and kids. I guess I feel like I’m one of the former…

It’s probably the 42 year old cynic in me, but that just sounds like someone desperately trying to justify staying single. There’s nothing that “expands” you like being a parent. Foreign travel and new experiences are wonderful, and you certainly learn a lot, but it’s nothing compared to the learning experience that is being a father.

I should also point out that when it comes to learning about a different city or culture that there’s nothing quite like trying to sort out where to get nappies or cough medicine at 9 at night in an emergency 😀

I have a couple of friends who both thought they didn’t want kids. Then time passed, and it was too late. They are now quite distraught about it, and get quite tearful. For some people, it never seems the right time but really it always is.

Have children as soon as possible, then live life more fully afterwards. You’ll still have “me” time in the interval, but some of it will be “we” time, and you’ll love that even more.
My children are grown up, Mrs M is often away on her mini-adventures, and I get more-or-less freedom for mine. I’m 60, & wish I’d had children younger so I could have had more travelling in my 40s instead of waiting until now.

He was never the settling type, loved the outdoors and now works for overseas charitys doing projects. He’s mid 50’s, no relationship, no kids and seemingly happy enough about it. But I wonder how he will feel in ten years time?

I don’t PLAN on being single that late into my life, although that is a concern when it comes to potentially throwing away a relationship with someone who wants to settle.

What do you mean SHOULD

I mean: is it a pre-requisite to a happy marriage that I WANT to get married now, or should I just man up and hope that once the sprogs land I’ll not miss the stuff I’m so worried about losing right now.

Marriage on its own doesn’t change an awful lot, kids change everything.

Good point, its not the marriage I’m worried about, I enjoy the warm glow of a contented girlfriend with a new diamond to show off (I’ve only enjoyed it once so far and it was a pitifully small diamond on a necklace, but still). Even the thought of kids isn’t scaring me as much as the idea of settling, i.e. committing to one lifestyle, one place to live, one job, etc.

Will be up Benderloch way in a couple of weeks with the bikes.

I’m in Vancouver! (who are you anyway, I don’t recognize the username?)

selfish

Yeah, I see that word a few times, and by definition I can’t really disagree. Giving specific examples of what it is I don’t want to lose out on makes it look a bit childish and pathetic at times, its more the concept of being free to do things that I like, regardless of the specific activity/holiday whatever.

This has helped a lot, thanks STW!

It’s different for me to help you out as I’m a woman.

However I really don’t think you are selfish, just not ready.
It’s far more selfish to marry someone, settle down, have children and in the back of your mind you realise you made a mistake. In which you have (maybe) ruined several lives.

Have a few more years with adventures, the honeymoon period will be over and you’ll know if she’s the right one to have this amazing change of life with.

Women do of course have the ‘ticking clock’ which is impossible to ignore.
The talk of her knowing what she wants even up to the type of home (nest) is not unusual and can come across as desperation. Maybe some time apart from one another on one of your adventures will give a few more answers.

Even the thought of kids isn’t scaring me as much as the idea of settling, i.e. committing to one lifestyle, one place to live, one job, etc

Blimey. You ate under no obligation to become sedentary when you have kids. It can be more difficult to arrange but there are plenty of alternative lifestyles out there including kids.

To OP, you are in love but not in love enough to commit otherwise you would have agreed to settle down. You might love her but not enough as simple as that.

Her biological clock is ticking and if you cannot commit you should let her find someone else that can.

🙂

I’m second time round the block.
I used to be away almost every weekend and was a very enthusiastic and I suppose successful adventure racer.
Been married 5 years, 5 amazing years because nothing like this seems a stress. We had a wee girl a year ago and we just make it work. My wife likes an adventure, so do I and we take the wee one in Demi-adveturlettes now. Frankly all the things that I thought I would miss have barely registered. Decide if this is the person you want to stay with, after that the rest is details. I’m now in Edinburgh so if you do make it back we can go for a ride and have a beer.

I never wanted a kid but now I have one its utterly briliant. Things change but then my priorites have to. Cant comment on getting married I missed that one out. Looks like a proper expensive ball ache.

Decide if this is the person you want to stay with, after that the rest is details.

I think this is the general message I’m taking away from this thread, in which case I have a far more pedestrian decision to make which is if she is the ‘right one’.

I’ll spare STW those deliberations though…

TBH I think you already know the answer to that. It’s just that you’re too nice a guy to admit it.

^ what he said

I think its very hard for any of us to fully decide on your fate (if you want to call it that) as 2 people together is such a varied mix of things.

We have been together for 32 years Married for 15. We dug our heels in against all those “oh you should get married” people until they had given up as I guess we were both stubborn.
Our wants were perhaps round the other way as I wanted children but sadly my wife’s MS meant it would have been me alone in the parent role.

Yes I have regrets & have missed out on lots due to being her carer over the last 10 years but I made the choice not others?

Yeah. I was there for a while – really liked the GF, had a great laugh together, but she wasn’t really the right one. Took a fair few years to do the decent thing though – promted by the arrival of the right one*.

Breakup was of the acrimonious variety, which was a shame because I did really like her as a friend and we got on really well.

* that’s only a figure of speech by the way – I don’t think there’s only one person we can be with – every relationship is unique and there could be many good ones.

A song about the “one”
[video]http://m.youtube.com/?#/watch?v=IeZMIgheZro[/video]

She is perfectly reasonable, I guess, to ask me to reign these plans in if we have a kid, which is why I’m ‘scared’ I guess,

Well, there’s reigning in, and there’s reigning in. Is she asking you not to do it quite so often, or bin it off entirely? One of those is reasonable, the other not so much. And would this be for ever, or just for the first year or two after birth? Does she only want the one?

You’ve held down a long-distance relationship so presumably being apart for periods isn’t the problem; that won’t change just because you’ve signed a bit of paper and had a big party. So “raising a family” is the elephant in the room here.

is it a pre-requisite to a happy marriage that I WANT to get married now, or should I just man up and hope that once the sprogs land I’ll not miss the stuff I’m so worried about losing right now.

Moreover, are you going to look back in ten years and decide it’s the best thing you’ve ever one, or resent being tied down?

I’m kinda torn on this. I guess the bottom line is that you can’t foresee the future and only you and her know how you both feel. Ultimately, you need to be working towards something that makes you both happy; strikes me that your compromise here is doing what she wants rather than what you want.

“Traditional” relationships quite often had situations where the woman was the home-maker raising the family whilst the man was often working away earning the family income (or being shot at). Of course, in these modern times the lines are blurred somewhat, and both partners typically share both working and parenting duties; point is, there’s no reason at all why that sort of model couldn’t work for you if it were something you were both happy with. She gets a marriage and a mortgage and 2.4 kids, and a loving husband who’s around “most” of the time, you get a family to enjoy and the freedom to pursue your life goals and advance your career. Maybe.