so tonight the gf gets home from a night out with workmates and, at 1.30am, decides to dump me. after 9 years together.
i'm devastated; no idea what to do. i can't afford to stay living here (we rent, in south manchester, and it's not cheap).
i'm just going in circles. 40 years old, with nothing. i feel totally worthless right now. i honestly cannot see how i have a future anywhere.
so tonight the gf gets home from a night out with workmates and, at 1.30am, decides to dump me. after 9 years together.
40 years old.
With another 40+ to go.
It won't be easy but better things will come.
9 years together.
in all the shock and confusion - 9 years is a pretty sizable measure of your worth. If you were worthless you wouldn't be able to measure anything in years.
i just lost the best friend i ever had, and i don't have the slightest idea why. i've done everything for her; supported her through years and years of serious depression. i had absolutely no idea she was going to drop this on me.
What can i say - sorry is a start i suppose.
Main thing (from bitter experience) is that while you may have done everything for her its unlikely what you did was what she needed as she probably had/still has no idea 'what' she wants. I had a mad ex, 10 years together, out the blue same thing. She had met someone else and that i was a waste of time and never gave her what she wanted etc etc. It was the darkest time of my life by quite some margin. I felt like the poo on the fly on the poo on the sole of a tramps shoe - no joke. However i gave myself 1 week to consider why i was actually a reasonable individual. I felt like a useless cock but i knew that in the end nothing I could do would make her happy and actually I needed to be happy with myself. I know this is not what you wnt to hear. 24mths down the line I'm getting married to the most fantastic person ever in 2mths time - i feel like i can live again and its awesome. So, please, look after yourself.
Don't know what to say really but things will get better
I am really sorry to hear that mate. Keep your chin up. Was it perhaps a drunken spur of the moment thing or has she been planning this for awhile? Perhaps once the dust has settled, sit down and find out where you stand in your relationship. If it is not salvageable, move on as quickly as poss. Throw yourself into a activity that will occupy your mind(cycling, reading, masterbation, whatever) and just keep busy. Hope it all works out for you.
Get some fresh air this weekend, and although it's tough - if it is over try to let go as quick as you can. Remember - if someone else is involved there is generally no going back, if it just a set of smaller problems things can often be worked out.
My advice (which aint worth s**t) is look forward to the future.
as Curtis. Is this really happening or has her night out and the catty gossipping women do formed an idea that she wouldn't have followed though on sober.
That's not to say such an idea would crystallize from nowhere in an instant, maybe all in the garden isn't as rosy as you may think, but maybe today is the first chance to rebuild and regrow what you clearly had going (9 years is a lot) rather than the end of it all.
one thing i would say is never go back. i did this and spent the next year or 2 in an on off relationship, because "she needed some space", "needed time to get her head round everything". in the end the cycle of 3 months on 1 month off started to piss me off as just as i was getting used to being on my own she would lure me back in (i'm a sucker for an offer of make up sex).
so when she left again. i told her not to ever contact me again as i'd had enough of her emotional shit.
take time to get over her and never let her hurt you twice, 3 time, 4 times. because women like this just don't know what they want and who they want it with.
i moved on and i'm really happy with my beautiful wife and kids, who i'd never have met if i'd have carried on with "i just need some time".
theotherjonv speaks sense. You need to understand what poison her friends have been dripping. And also be honest with how the relationship has been from her side for a few months/years.
A 9 year relationship does not end in an instant without months of problems, or drunken cajouling!
Chin up mate!
no drink involved. she doesnt drink at all. i don't know if it involves anyone else. she says not, but i don't know.
but i don't think there's anything salvageable though. she's going to her mum's house today for a few days.
not sure i can afford this place on just my income. sure it's just rented, but i love living here and i don't really want to move.
agh. what a **** mess my life has suddenly become.
Yep it will sure seem like that and you will be in a sort of state of mourning but you have to look after yourself. She probably can't articulate what it is right now but she has obviusly made a decision and is sticking to it. Can i ask a question - were you truly happy ? I mean - was this relationship everything you wanted ? And be honest with yourself.
Remember that when anyone gives you advice, they don't have to live with it, you do.
That said there ought to be rules that no serious relationship decision is either made or communicated at 0130 after a night's drinking.
I think some sensible things have been said. Nine years is a long time; find out where you stand, if it was really meant or if it was booze / depression / a bad day talking. Once you know be as decisive as you can. Fight for it if its worth it; get as clean a break as possible if it isn't.
Best of luck; it will get better. And remember the bit I started with - I and I suspect everyone else on here is giving advice which they are not qualified to give. Doesn't make us wrong (as I said I suspect most of what has been said is sensible) but you have to weight everything yourself. Now more than ever you have to really understand what it is that you want in life.
xherbivorex mate, I'm really sorry to here that, my (bitter) advice would be:
Remember time is a long thing, don't make any rash decisions about anything.
During any discussions remember to breathe and keep calm, keep the moral high ground.
Don't roll over and let her have what ever she wants, I did that and that's something I regret, If I could go back I'd have kept all the stuff I'd worked hard for, rather than give up and walk away.
If she's 100% sure she's leaving you then tell her to go her own way, she's lost all your support. You HAVE to look after number one. There's no prizes for "being a good sport". You are priority number one. its harsh but you've got to move on if its over.
Remember that all things are possible, who's to say that you couldn't get a lodger to keep the house on, you may even end up better off financially? (but I've no idea of your situation).
If she's prepared to throw away nine years of companionship, love and decency with not so much as a reasonable explanation then she is not worthy of you.
Take care mate, there's some turbulent weather on the horizon but its how you handle the storm that will make you a better man and the sun will be warmer when (not if, but when) it shines again.
keep your chin up mate, good luck.
hey xherbivorex, that's rough.
I went through similar about a year ago - together for 7 years, then she decides it's not working. Nothing I could say. As you, I'd lost my best friend. And I felt exactly the same as you. (this was all about the time i joined STW - hence the name! although I am also incapable of escaping tractor tracks)
All I can say is I'm sure things will get better for you. It took me a while, and sometimes just when you think you're over it, you get whacked with bout of misery again. But it really does get better.
I'm still really none the wiser about the true reasons. We're still on speaking terms, but actually the more I get to know her as a friend, the more I realise we've grown so far apart, it probably was for the best.
The thing I found tough was actually re-discovering who I was and what I liked doing as me - we'd done everything together for so long. Now I'm actually enjoying the single life, although there's still times I miss what we had.
As others have said, try to keep r chin up, I know it looks crap now but things will get better!
'If she's prepared to throw away nine years of companionship, love and decency with not so much as a reasonable explanation then she is not worthy of you.'
i know this sounds flippant, but she's faulty. find another one.
at least there's no kids involved and you're not tied together by a jointly owned home or anything.
find a mate, get lashed ( if that's what works for you ), ride your bike. take care.
Is she getting the rag? Maybe she's just temporarily insane due to raging hormonal imbalance and everything will right itself in a few days?
At least she didn't try to murder you for putting a spoon in the fork partition of the cutlery divider.
It's probably hard to do right now, but think of it as a new begining, and a chance to make all the changes in your life you've always wanted to, but have been too settled to actually do. Take some time off work, and travel. Buy that new bike you were scared she'd go apesh!t over.
On a more practical note, if you have joint finances, go to the bank and split them now. Do some proper budgeting, and work out if you really can afford to stay there, and whether you would need to cut back on certain areas if you did. Prioritise things, and do what's most important for you first.
Before any of that though, talk to her, calmly, and find out why she's decided to leave you. Chances are you're not going to be able to change her mind, so just treat it as some sort of closure. If you don't find out why, it'll always nag at you.
If you want something to help you see the positive side, a mate of mine was divorced by his wife of 5 years, 2 years ago. He was devastated, and to be honest, we were all worried that he was going to top himself, he was that low. She did her best to completely shaft him in the divorce, and to be honest, she's still trying to do it now, despite the fact she's shacked up with the rich doctor she left him for. Doesn't sound like a happy story does it? Well, he's now happier than he's evere been. He does what he likes, goes out when he likes, sleeps with whoever he likes, goes on holiday when he likes, and nobody tells him not to. All his friends have been very supportive, and he's come back from being as low as I've ever seen anyone get, to being one of the most content people you'll ever meet.
All it takes is a bit of time.
Just wanted to add best wishes to those above
You may have read my "relationship advice" post before Christmas where an out of the blue dumping happened to me. In that case it was only after a short time, albeit with someone I had made a real connection with, so you must be feeling pretty awful. What I would say is that after a few months, things are getting easier for me. With the length of your relationship it will take longer but if she's sure it's over, and you are as well, then move on. Throw yourself into activities you enjoy - such as MTBing - but also make sure you do things that involve other people rather than solitary activities. If you do feel yourself lapsing into serious depression, then seek professional help, don't let it take over your life. Good luck I know that you're feeling s**t at the moment, but this will pass with time, and a new and better direction in your life may be revealed as a result.
Sorry to hear that
options are talk to her and then accept and move on sadly
The only thing I found you can escape with is your self respect that is all you control now. It will make you miserable to try and hold on to something that is lost you need to accept the new reality (however hard) and embrace it for the opportunites (you cant see yet) it will afford you.It will be tough but it will get better.
I am a bit far away (Chorley) but if you need a day away give me a shout and I wil treat you to a bike ride and a Vegan feast
Good luck & best wishes
Please tell me you made her kip on the couch.
Sorry to hear that
Not (yet) happened to me but close friend of mine was divorced, right out of the blue, when he was 40. 2 kids, 15 or so years married. As someone else said, was worried for a bit that he might go RIGHT off on one - he was coming out with some very weird stuff; she really hurt him.
5 years on, he's happier than I can remember him being. Not because he's rid of his ex (though she was fking horrible to him when it happened) but I think he's worked out a better idea of what really matters in his life. Took a while though.
All the best
(and stay off the booze, I'd suggest)
Spend time with your mates and go riding as often as you can with them.
I find going for a ride and having a good chat with my mates always help put things in perspective. Especially when problems with the opposite sex are involved!
Shame, No advice from me really, never been in a LTR so can't help.
Keep doing things you enjoy , and move on. Maybe with the recession the drop in house prices might mean something can be purchaced.
If you get really stuck , and I mean really stuck for somewhere , My bro lives in Gatley. He might be able to put you up if I ask him nicely.
There is a garage, already with 4 bikes in it ( 2 with engines) parking, some storage space. I take it you are house trained and wont walk muddy boots in , wash bikes in the bath etc. He has rented out 2 rooms before, but they are both empty atm.
Being single does have its advantages, you can ride where and when you want . Summer is nearly here , its a few weeks away, maybe thats Her thinking , New Year , New begining etc, just unfortunate you are on the receiving end.
hmmm, i did 20 years, 8 of them married (i was 38 at the time) before she decided out of the blue she didn't want to be with me, nice. anyway was devastated at first but it's a cliche that you will hear load,s 'time heals etc etc' and at the time if i'd been told that i'd have punched the speaker, but the thing is..it's bang on, 3 years later i've had 36 months of fun, enjoying myself and the future looks rosey so the only thing i can say is hang in there, get through the dark days, use your friends (you'll find out who they really are pretty quickly) and all will be well, trust me 40yo is fine to take a new direction
I feel for you xherbivorex.
Similar thing happened to me 6 or so years ago. Sometimes these things happen for the better. At 1st you can't look forward or see any end in sight of your misery, but as all have said, time is the great healer, things will get better.
My best advice is talk to people, surround yourself with your friends, family and those closest to you.
For me, even though I wouldn't have thought it, my break up was one of the best things to happen to me in years, as afterwards when the all the dust had settled, my life changed dramatically and for the better. New job, lots of riding, lots of time to do my things, switched jobs, then switched to a different country!
Chin up and think forwards rather than dwelling on what could have been.
All the best.
some great words of advice there- particularly from rocketdog and davy
I can't add any more other than hang in there - it will get easier...
xherbivorex. I can begin to relate to how you are feeling... my girlfriend of about 4yrs or so and I split up just before xmas. I knew she wasn't happy for a while before then, but, if I'm being completely honest, neither was I. It has still been a horrible month and some days I'm not sure which way to turn... but things have got much, much better. And I am now feeling really positive about the forthcoming year. I've made lots and lots of plans and looking forward to doing a few new things.
R.e. your flat. I was in a similar position, and called my landlady. She was v sympathetic and was keen to keep me on as a tennant, particularly in the current climate. So, she actually offered me a pretty sizeable rent reduction to stay on for at least 6 months. It feels a bit strange living in "our" house, but I'm enjoying having some extra space, and slowly turning it into "my house". You've got nothing to loose by asking the question...
been there before, cut ties and move on is the only advice I can give. It will get better. Then go out, get drunk and sleep with (lots of) other women
Some pretty good advice on here, has happened a couple of times, the last one came completely out of the blue after 5 years togeather.
My best advice is gather your mates round you- you'll need them, and try and keep off the drink!
Good luck mate
thanks for the replies.
keeping off the drink will be easy; i havent touched a drop in 20 years and i'm not about to start now.
i'll talk to my landlord about the rent. my dad said he'd help me if i was struggling, which i don't want or expect him to do, but before this bombshell i had been making plans to get some IT certification to make me more employable in my field, however with this now there's not much chance i'll be able to afford the courses/exams.
so i'll be stuck in a dull desktop support role in a company that can't/won't spend money upgrading the estate, meaning i get left further and further behind by the real world.
maybe i should consider a complete change, but to be honest i wouldn't know where to begin.
i'm just left here in a huge mess and it's the worst feeling i've ever known.
Deal with one thing at a time.
1) Practical stuff... you need somewhere to live
2) Take some time to get over the relationship - or least don't put pressure on yourself to solve everything in one go
3) Work isn't everything... make sure you take time out (weekends and evenings, not quit your job) and do some things for you. Go see the films that your girlfriend didn't like, go ride your bike more. Enter a race, commit to some serious training. Arrange to go for a ride up in Scotland in a couple of weeks time. Road trip with mates is a great way of taking your mind off things. Or, if no one is around, I'm sure there are plenty of STWers around to show you a new area.
4) Once you begin feeling more like yourself again, refocus on the other things that are important. Job being one of them. Look into financial support and "professional development" loans once you have decided what route you want to take.
or say "f@@k it", sell everything you own and travel to your preferred destination in the world. See what happens...
If you are looking to get away and you're travelling to Wales give me a shout - I'm closest to Nant-y - Arian and Brechfa
you will get over this, its natural to feel the way you do but (without being patronising) you will get over it, in time
all the best
re training courses, lots of Gov. bodies give grants/loans for that sort of thing, might be worth looking into?
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