For a few years now, I’ve had a skin tag. Let’s just say it’s in a rather intimate place. Now, it’s never really bothered me, but I noticed the Latest Ms Gatsby eying it rather suspiciously on her first ‘visit down south’, and it got me thinking that perhaps it’s not the nicest thing to have lolling about in one’s mouth… (The skin tag, that is.)
So after a bit of research, there appeared to be 3 options. Firstly, a visit to the doc. This didn’t appeal for various reasons, one of which is that my GP is an attractive 40-something lady, and another is that even the merest thought of needles, scalpels, stitches etc in that region reduce my manhood to little more than a slight undulation.
Option 2 was self-amputation with scissors or nail clippers, but as I was born with an overactive squeem gland, I thought better of this.
So, Option 3: To strangle the little bugger off with a ligature of cotton or dental floss. The internet assured me that this is a simple, painless and safe method.
Now, I’ve lead a varied life, I’ve experience pain – both physical and emotional – I’ve spent a lifetime falling off bikes, and I use chainsaws… Recklessly. But NOTHING prepared me for the pain of tying a slipknot round a skin tag on my cock! Seriously, if you live anywhere in the north of England and heard a blood-curdling scream on Tuesday night, I apologise.
Since then, I’ve been self medicating with alcohol, various pain killers and antiseptic cream, but the constant, gnawing pain in Little Gatsby is becoming too much to bear.
This morning, during a meeting with clients, I suffered the double misfortune of the pain killers and the antiseptic cream wearing off at the same time. It started with a few beads of sweat appearing on my forehead, but within minutes I was a red-faced mess with projectile sweat effusing from every pore, writhing around like a pornstar on a buttplug.
So, almost 48 hours into my ‘procedure’, and the skin tag now resembles a tiny, shiny blackcurrant, and if I look very closely, I can see my own reflection staring back at me like an MC Escher drawing.
Has anyone else ever tried anything like this? And if so, how long before it drops off? Any hints or tips for pain relief would be gratefully appreciated…
G