Low to mid speed – difficult to explain but I generally do a ‘lie it down to the side, mid-air step-over and jog to stop’ sort of action. I’ll call it the ‘dropaway’.

High speed – I’m a complete frickin chicken and will go down with the bike, clinging on to the last like a bug-eyed drowning drunk gripping a sinking mast. This is obviously no bail yet mentioned for completeness.

Extremely low speed – ‘A sock to the ruttles’. Last time I executed this quick-escape from a slow situation my good friend Mike the Biking Lycan nearly herniated from unseemly laughter:

I took a 26er (silly wheel size for ruts) over some rock-hard sun-baked cow ruts which were miraculously hidden beneath lush long grass. Minus 1mph, wheel in rut, involuntary front stoppie, attempted frontwards ejection, legs do splits over bars as plums strike the lockout-cap of Headshok forks. Remain where fell, face down in embryonic shape on ground, eyes squeezed tight-shut in sockets, nuts squeezed tight in fist, mouth drooling while making cow-like noises with face pressed into cool, long grass. Smell the cow poo. It’s soothing. Smell it.

Lowish speed: shoulder tackle tree over the bars and snap saddle on backside while crushing kidneys with hips.
high speed (~50kph): take a whole rock garden to the shins and batter them while watching the bike go end over end. Pick up bike, finish race run with bars very squint, then find out why you hurt.
both recent. Both hurt

Find gorse bush fall in.

last two mtb crashes were both:
– over the bars and land on back in rock garden
– Lie there making noises like a wounded moose while I try to decide if I’ve done any real damage
– Get up slowly, grimacing.

I once had a perfect bail where I started going otb, jumped and cleared the bars with both feet, landed perfectly on the only flat smooth dry rock in sight, turned round and caught my bike by the top tube.

I’ve also rolled off backwards; failed getting up a sharp short steep bit, stalled just shy of the top then slowly toppled backward (couldn’t panic unclip in time) into a pile of brambles and nettles. Gave up clipless pedals shortly after.

Favourite Dismount: The ‘couldn’t do it deliberately if you tried’ synchronised-unclip-and-leap-over-the-top-tube-manouvre, perfected whilst attempting the Mabie Darkside in SPDs on a hardtail with full seatpost showing.

Most recent (and least favourite) Dismount: Find the only toblerone shaped rock on the trail and execute a perfect OTB just before it, landing with said rock slap bang in the gonads. Lie on trail clutching self afraid to let go for fear of the damage you might have done, notice crack in top tube whilst down there 👿

Find puddle. Use as landing.

Superman over the bars, landing on right side on tarmac. Right arm raised to maximise the amount of gravel collected by face, ribs, fore-arm, hip and knee.

(Either that, or just keel over whilst just standing with the bike!)

Pick a tree, any tree. Jump off the bike and sprint at the tree faster than Usain Bolt.

50%, hold on tightly to bike and use ends of handlebars / hips etc to break fall.

50%, no idea – just end up lying on the ground, going through a mental checklist to see I’m not too broken.

Fall of, land like a sack of spuds, who needs style?

I have done the vault over the bars too:
version 1 – vault the bars and stand like a gymnast as bike flies past my ear nearly decapitating me
version 2 – vault the bars, look round to see where the bike is and realize it’s stuck axle-deep in the bog I’m going to have to wade into to retrieve it

remind me why we do this…

I’m usually straight over the bars or shoulder barging trees when my ambition exceeds my ability.

Loft the bars on the silly 24″ cruiser (now sold as was obviously bikes fault). Fail to cover back brake and end up landing coccyx first on nice flat concrete! Roll around said concrete for about 15 minutes trying to regain breath. Once i realise that i can still feel my legs gingerly stand up and fail due to shooting pain up spine.

Couldn’t walk upright or sit down for about 10 days. Stupid bl00dy small wheeled bike 😳

OP – excellent 🙂

I once broke a saddle with my bollox during a crash at chicksands on the dual slalom. I like to call that dismount the ‘testicle slam’. Could barely get my trousers on for a week.

Once – and only once – I was impressing (not really) my mates with a 180 degree skid in some winter mud only for the tyre to grip and high side me over the top tube at some speed. I landed needing to run off about 15kph of energy. All the time I was trying to slow my legs down, the bike was stalking me end over end.

Mostly tho, my crashes put me in mind of an old, tired elephant seal falling gracelessly from a rock into the sea.

1. Drink lots of cider
2. Bounce off stuff

Edit – 3. Discover damage next morning

Slow: CX style dismount, leg over the saddle, left arm on bars, right arm on toptube near seatpost.
Medium: Same as above except I hold onto the bars.
Fast: I tend to chuck the bike as far away as possible, it ain’t elegant.

My most recent was just hopping off the bike while it went cartwheeling down the hill after i lost the front on one of the narrow sheep tracks at the ‘ard rock.

Lost about 20 bloody seconds running to get the bike back

I seem to just hold onto the bike as tightly as possible until we’ve both stopped sliding along the floor. This hasn’t served me well from a hurt perspective in the past.

Last crash was an amazing avoidance of actual injury:

Fast, tight section through the trees. Front wheel washes out and bike goes down to the side. amazingly still carrying all my speed I find myself not only up right but now running through a gap in the trees! 😯

Came to a safe stop with no damage to bike or self. Rider behind amazed by how I came out of it unscathed.

Second to last crash:

Dropped into a trail a little to quickly, overshot corner and hit a tree stump. I and bike were catapulted forwards with me still being clipped in. I think my saddle hit me in the back of the head before coming to a rest in brambles.

Very sore post ride.

I favour the first approach for crashes.

Pretty much all mine tend to be on slow techy stuff. Usually a ‘oh, I’ve stuck the front wheel in a big hole/rut/gap in the rocks and I’m toppling forward’ moment before balancing for what seems like hours at the tipping point. Then either a completely graceless flop forward and sideways into a heap on the ground or a balletic drop back onto the back wheel.

Last quick off I had was on the corkscrew at the FoD mini enduro. Missed my line going into the second, left hand drop and thought it would be better to ride the rest of the section on my face rather than the bike. Cue sideways/forwards superman down the muddy slope leaving the bike at the top. Later turned out I rode it on my (cracked) ribs rather than my face.

No matter what the speed or circumstance, I like to go down “Norman Wisdom” style. Which usually comprises of some kind of high speed shuffle with the front wheel between my legs, holding onto the handlebars across the front of my thighs and the pedals clattering my calfs.

I used to have a good line in tuck and roll. Recently this hasn’t been so present and I have had a broken shoulder, broken hand in two places and two broken ribs to show for it in the last 12 months… As a result it’s back to the gym for me to increase core strength, starting a yoga class and then perhaps looking for an adult gymnastics class.

i dont need to worry about that cos i never fall off…. 😛

but if i ever did i would kick the bike out from under me and then tuck myself into a ball and try and roll it out to minimise injury

Slow: Let the front wheel slip away on something off-camber and slippy. Bash left knee into handlebar and if i’m lucky the offspring pouches into the stem

Medium: Catch the front in an unseen rut. OTB. Lie on ground watching bike head flipping straight at me and hope the tyres hit first

Fast: I don’t ride fast

Having studied the martial art, Aikido for quite a few years. I have become reasonably proficient in the practice of “ukemi” or breakfalling. When I am thrown by an opponent then I use well practiced techniques to absorb the energy of the fall and to redirect that energy to regain a defensive posture as soon as possible. These skills are now so ingrained in my muscle memory that I no longer have conscious control over them and they just flow from my actions automatically.

When applied to biking these almost mystical skill immediately piss off and abandon me. 😳

Still nursing a couple broken ribs as a result.

+1 for the “sack of spuds” technique.

Am I allowed to post the video of thisisnotaspoon hitting the only rock in the middle of a smooth trail and going OTB? May I please?

Please do Jon Taylor.

OTB land on [my] left side ribs breaking them

Repeat every 2 years or so.

One benefit of getting older is that my reactions are too slow to put a hand out so the last few offs have involved a kind of elbow/shoulder-charge and roll onto rucksack which is actually not that bad

No BikerFox mention?

Oh, wait! I forgot how old I was…

Some of my more memorable dismounts

Best:

Going a bit quicker than usual, find myself heading toward a shallow ditch. Figure its better to ride voluntarily into the ditch than just slide into it. Haven’t looked far enough down the trail to spot the ditch terminates in a big tree!

Somehow in the split second before I hit the tree I step over the top tube, sit down on the grass bank beside the ditch and let the bike carry on. The bike’s front wheel finds a perfect gap between a root and the trunk and just sits upright as if its been gently placed there.

Fast:

In a race, so going for it, narrow downhill single track across peaty ground. Spot a patch of big muddy ruts ahead, figure with all the speed I have I just need to lighten the front wheel to skim across the mud. Wrong! Front wheel digs in and I go flying, proper superman, I must have went 15 feet. Hit the ground with a fairly hefty “ooof” but not too bad as the ground is still pretty soft. Bike clatters me square in the back a split second after I think I’ve got away with it!

Slow:

Get to a tricky step on a traverse across a steep hill, try to dab where there is nothing but fresh air and then bounce all the way down the hill!

^^ oh yeah that one. There’s a really difficult uphill rocky switchback in the Malverns. Back when I was clipped in, I had a proper go at it, knocked off line and had a split second to attempt a) power through and hope for the best or b) unclip and put my foot down.

I chose b) put my foot down into fresh air, toppled into that thin air with right leg still attached to the bike, landed some 5 feet below on my back having managed to somehow unclip the other pedal in flight. Allowing the bike to attack me with all its spikey bits to the fore.

I ride flats now.

If I had time to think about bailing, I had time to think about control. When I crash, it’s instant and unthinking and I end up wherever I end up.

You ever seen a cat falling out of a tree? Well I’m limbs everywhere like that, but minus the elegance and soft landing.

Exactly like QWOP.

[video]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lU1A-kwxbzM[/video]

Ask and Ye shall receive (he’ll hate me (more) for this)

[video]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PUHFXAdGx7Y[/video]