I’ll start….functional

We still get on. Share a love of the 3 little ones (7, 5 and 2). Not much spark left between the two of us though. Feel like good colleagues most of the time. Tried talking about it, ends up with one or the other taking the hump. Both of us feel like we put a lot into work (me) or childcare (her) and not a lot left for partner.

Does it get better by itself once kids a bit less dependent? Have you done anything to successfully overcome this? Interested to hear other perspectives….

Lold @ username 🙂

Three kids in quick succession? Did your feelings only emerge once you’d had the third?

We only had one (mostly medical reasons but we were also happy) and found that left enough time for family, me alone, the wife alone and the wife and I together. Friends and family can help create a bit of space for you both but it’s a hard ask getting someone to look after three young kids.

Username pre-dates said marriage 8)

Have you tried becoming a member of fetlife.com?

💡

Or Ashley Madison

welcome to the realty of modern marriage, society pushes the dream of wife and 2.5 kids, mortgage to the hilt for 30 ys your choice to marry and breed. 🙂 Hay could be worse look at the divorce rate and child payments 😈

Been with mine 19 years now. Kids 9 & 5. Get on better now than ever. Sex life suffered with kids obviously and I’m a lot poorer now than before the kids came along but I don’t feel having kids put any particular strain on our relationship. Maybe I’m just lucky. Still go to bed at the same time every day, still share a bath, still choose to spend any non child free time we have with each other. Life’s good.

I know its Still early days for my wife and I with a 10 month old to give much of a long term experience but ill tell you how we’re doing so far. We are mid 30’s, good jobs, small mortgage, together for over a decade and very much in love. Seemed like the responsible and right time to have a little one, talked about it for a few years, both sure we wanted it! Now both agree we’re stopping at the One. Hardest 10 months of our lives. We love our son to bits, but he nearly killed my wife and we’ve nearly killed each other a few times since. Its getting easier now though. Wifes back in work a few days a week where she can stop being a mum and engage in normal non prenatal conversation which has restored her sanity. I get a day a week to myself again, and now he’s sleeping we get some quality “us” time back in the evening, and the odd dinner out with friends. Our boy loves nursery too, so everyone’s happy. We both fear that if we had another, we’d loose the fine balance we have now and it would be a strain on the relationship so I’m watching this thread carefully to see how others faired.

Kids 8 and 6 here. mrs aracer has ZERO interest in doing anything with me without the kids (well I suppose we watch TV together in the evening).

Grimy stick at one. 4 and 2 and the strain of the second one finished it.

Been together 15 years and the little one arrived 6 months ago and life got better. But I am sure there will be ups and downs in the future, but thats part of it right?

Main difference is feeling the pressure to maintain a decent job.

it’s had moments of ‘meh’ but our boy is now 7, our marriage is the best it’s ever been. It’s absolutely incredible. I’m not talking about ‘child’ stuff here or interaction with him. But the simple marriage/husband/wife stuff.

The trouble is – KIDS ARE HARD WORK.
Also, they really can’t be left alone.

My struggle is the fact that really at least one of us has to be ‘with the kids’. Ergo, we’ll tag team free time. Which of course leaves little free time just with each other…

We enjoy the time together, but it’s sparse and often ‘just at home whilst the kids are asleep’.

Saying that, we went out to brighton yesterday eve (kids with inlaws) and were knackered on teh train on the way THERE!!

Meh, life innit….

DrP

Very similar to the OP really.

Kids are 2 and 5. Everything we do is built around them, as you’d expect really.
We are constantly knackered though and, yes, we’ve been pretty much celibate since the first was conceived with just a brief flicker to conceive number two.

That’s difficult to handle at times, but I’ve slowly learnt to live with it.
We are still very much in love, it’s just that love has a different focus these days.

Been together for twenty-something years, I’m not going anywhere.

The same but without the ability to have a quickee when we feel like it. Oh and can’t go out to get drunk together without planning childcare.

Over. finished, kapuut. Happy days. 😀

My wife and I always wanted two kids.

Now that we have three……..we only want one 😳

Having sex keeps you feeling nice & attracted to each other, keeps it twinkly my wife says, the chemicals released upon orgasm or something, so keep on doing the do is essential. It does get hard (oerrr mrs) since you have to wait until the kid(s) are asleep or you’re away together, which is a rare occasion and sometimes lets be frank you just can’t be bothered, it’s like a two piece jigsaw, you know what it looks like so you just leave it in the box.

Very similar to the OP but with pressure of of long hours and working away for much of our girls early years. No doubt I got the easy part of the deal!!
Yes it does get better / easier but not by itself. Our girls are 18, 13 and 12 and you can imagine I’m not as well off as I once was.
Its important to have individual interests for both partners, but also important to make a commitment to spend a bit of time together every week. This doesn’t happen every week in our house due to all the usual interruptions, but we always plan to have one night a week for us. If we’re lucky the interruption won’t happen and we get a couple of hours in the pub / walking / meal.
Good Luck.
For all the other couples with 1 or 2 children. You have NO IDEA of the impact when the kids outnumber the adults in the family unit!!!!

This thread is missing a vital link in the chain. Have kids = mysteriously acquire obsessive interest in endurance sport that involves being out of the house all day = no time/spark/understanding with other half.

2 kids, 7 and 4 (nearly 5). We’ve been together for 22 years and got married 3 years ago. Can’t say anythings changed in the way that we feel about each other really. Finances and sex life are different but we’ve got young kids so that’s to be expected.

You’ve got to roll with the punches to have a successful relationship, people are individuals and you have to give each other respect and space.

Stuff changes and you have to adapt, enjoy and embrace the good bit, shit are for letting go. Easier said than done sometimes I know but just try to enjoy the good times, kids are not young for long!!

We have a 3 3/4 year old and an 11 month old.

The first was stressful (medical reasons) for the first year of his life. We seemed to cope.

Number 2 is exhausting and came along just as number 1 was becoming pretty easy.

Relationships take effort to make them work. My wife and I bicker more than we should, but our petty arguments soon blow over.

Our almost-weekly ‘date night’ is important. Cinema, walk together, time on the beach etc. Just being together without the boys for a couple of hours does wonders.

I’ll give the flip side to this.

Been with my missus for 10 years, no kids, and not having any.

We ride bicycles together at the weekend and in the week. Do uplift days together, go on riding holidays. Walk the dogs together every evening, and have a good amount of disposable income.

We pretty much never argue or fight, and are happiest when we’re together. We get good amounts of sleep, and do what we want in the week or weekends.

Having kids is a choice, but most think its just the thing that you have to do.

From observing family and friends, having kids is often the unspoken reason behind divorce. The partners start neglecting their relationship and gradually end up resenting one another (often a case of familiarity breeds contempt, but also because we tend to blame our problems on those closest to us).

It’s amazing, our life is like a Thomson holiday advert crossed with a country living article. Our sun kissed tousled haired cherubs play quietly together on our immaculate lawn. Occasionally they break off to stretch and kiss one of us gently on the nose. The house, if anything has got tidier, and I’m struggling to spend the spare cash fast enough.

Best thing and toughest thing I have ever done.

2 kids, 6 & 2 and three quarters.

Been in a tiny 2 bed house for the last 5 years.

When it was one kid it was easy, very much felt like being a couple….but with a kid.

Second kid comes along, BOOM, no more being a couple first and kids second, its family family family above all else, any idea that you are a couple or an individual at all goes completely out of the window…..especially when there are 4 of you and only 2 bedrooms. No time to do anything other than work and parent. Go on holiday for a relaxing break from the real world, its just babysitting in a strange and foreign land with extra risks and problems and stress. There is no escape. This lasts about 2.5 years.

Recently bought a house, kids now have their own rooms, youngest is approaching 3 and is becoming independant enough that he doesn’t need constant attention, eldest thinks she is 16 not 6, I have hobbies and free time, family are prepared to babysit the pair of them at the same time now so we can actually go out as a couple, then sleep in a room with no kids in it!!!! Life is good……..must reisit temptation to have more kids

lol @ pictonroad

Er… bloody complicated!

We pretty much never argue or fight, and are happiest when we’re together. We get good amounts of sleep, and do what we want in the week or weekends.

Sounds just like me. And we have two kids. Not everyone ‘suffers’ through havihg them, some of us just take it in our stride.

Before I had kids I had a great life, 3 holidays a year, out every weekend, always had lovely cars (amg mercs, m3s, alpinas etc) now I’m skint but none of the above comes within a million miles of the amount of happiness I get from spending time with my girls.

And I really really didn’t want kids whatsoever. It was the wife’s idea. They’ve taught me that materialism and ‘success’ are, from my perspective, total bollox.

Oh well, at least we got a few honest responses in before the sanctimony started. 🙄

For all the other couples with 1 or 2 children. You have NO IDEA of the impact when the kids outnumber the adults in the family unit!!!!

+1 for this.

My three are 12, 10 and 6.

The first one seems difficult at the time, but in hindsight, once you find your feet and gain a bit of confidence in your own developing parenting skills it’s actually pretty easy. You’re throwing the resources of two adults at the needs of one child.

The second one is a much easier prospect. You know what you’re doing from the outset and the stresses are from trying to split your attention between two children which , if there are two adults, usually works out OK. When the kids are a bit older, they generally either play together or play apart.

When number three rolls along, the whole group dynamic changes. The jump in stress levels between 2 and 3 is massive. The kids rarely play all together or all apart. Instead, they usually form constantly shifting loose alliances of 2 kids to the exclusion of the third which triggers bouts of tribal warfare. Constantly.

The whole world is also against you if you’ve got more than two kids…..

Want to buy a car that’ll take three child seats? “Oooh! that’s a specialist item sir?”

Want to book a hotel room? ” Sorry sir, only two adults and two children to a family room.

Everything in supermarkets comes in packs of four or six. “Daddy gets two! Why is your tummy so big Daddy?”

Family tickets to theme parks / cinema / anywhere bloody else? ” Sorry sir you’ll need to buy an extra ticket for the third child.”

Babysitters? ” What? All three of them?”

When I was a kid, most of my friends came from families with at least 3 kids. The only child in your class at school was the exception. Now, if you’ve got 3 kids at the same school you’re viewed like the Clampetts.

I’ve been with my wife since we were 16. We’re now 43. It’s hard work but it’s worth it. The OP describes his relationship as ” Functional”. That’s a good result. It’s a much improved state of affairs over “Dysfunctional”

There is light at the end of the tunnel when they get old enough to wash, dress feed and entertain themselves. However, the teenage tunnel is fast approaching…..

Oh well, at least we got a few honest responses in before the sanctimony started.

So someone who has largely only positive experiences to report is being sanctimonious? Apologies for not having bad experiences to share. If only I’d have been able to say how my kids had driven my wife and I to the point of divorce…

Complete.
And I’m thoroughly looking forward to the next days in Cornwall with my tribe and the new addition to the seaside, dog vader!

some of us just take it in our stride.

At the risk of making GrahamS’ arguments for him, I suspect this might have been the source of his ire…Some people cope, some don’t, it’s not a competition.

Pictonroad – genuine rofl despite wet underfoot conditions.

I am sitting outside Thomas Land with my three. I owe £400,000 to the bank. Touch my bum this is life!

Apologies for coping then…

Maybe the thread could have had a ‘post negative experiences only’ subtitle.

Similarly, on the what do you do for a living and do you enjoy it thread, there are many people on here who seem to be doing pretty well for themselves. How dare they?! I only want to read about how people are really struggling.

Just about the only thing thats suffered since we had kids (5 and 2) is less time to ride my bike.

Everything else has got x1000000000 better.

Maybe the thread could have had a ‘post negative experiences only’ subtitle.

It wasn’t just your post loddrik, but since you seem keen to argue the point:

The OP is at a difficult point of his marriage, particularly in the bedroom from the sounds of it, and he is seeking a bit of advice/counselling from others.
Showing up to brag that everything in your marriage is amazing and you cope brilliantly isn’t really that helpful.

It’s like showing up on a thread about depression to say “Cheer up”