Probably an un-popular post coming
My Dad had depression for 10 years, from when I was about 10 onwards. He was very clever at hiding it from the outside world. It was triggered by him losing his (hi flying) job - but it was always a bit stroppy so I could see why it happened.
For every that is depressed, I feel very sorry, I hope you get through that dark place. But do not think that you are the only one's suffering.
My father was (what would now be) termed abusive to the family. Mainly myself, my mother and my sister. Violence, tantrums. He could never be challenged about any decisions, or else a 2 - 10 day "sulk" would begin.
He got through it, started to work again. But my relationship with him was forever scarred. We lived in London at the same time for a while, and that help reposition the relationship. He was an old guy who I was fond of, cared for ... but that unconditional family stuff - nah!
He nearly drove my mother nuts (literally) - she would call in the GP when he was in the pit, and he would be all smiles. And tell the GP it was my mum who had the problem.
He died two years ago - I'm sort of sad we never had that really close bond but the whole trust thing had gone, and I was weary of him. He was still prone to mega sulks, if thing didn't go his way ( and going senile really brought those out)
All I will say , is that you are a sufferer, go and seek help because you are really screwing up those around you. It is not just about you. You are not suffering alone, no matter how self involved you are.
The irony of all of this, is that my sister seems to be a sufferer. But is in complete denial. And now , as now live 1 km away, it is beginning to mess around with my life again. I have tried to broach the subject, gone as far as getting professional advice - everyone says "do nothing" as it will make the situation worse.