Depression…

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  • Depression…
  • monksie
    Member

    As somebody who ‘sees’ the effects of mental illness on people who care, I’d highly recommend staying well away if you can.

    iolo
    Member

    I have what’s classed as a severe mental illness.
    Me and mrs iolo are very happy. I know my triggers, she knows how to cope with me. OP, it’s not going to be easy but is any relationship?

    monksie
    Member

    You are not the only person with this illness Iolo. Different perspectives and different experiences.
    You know your triggers? Good for you.
    Sadly, other sufferers don’t have tangible ‘triggers’ and their family especially, really struggle to cope.
    My advice is and always will be stay away if you can.

    Gordy
    Member

    My advice would be the same as monksie, dangerousbeans and mrmoofo. If you decide to crack on anyway, I would only say don’t make the mistake of thinking you can reason with the darkness. Seek proper treatment.

    Stevet1
    Member

    See if she wants to go for a bike ride. Exercise is good when you’re depressed due to the release of endorphins. Also just getting out and doing anything is good basically, as it stops you from self-imploding through downward negative thought spiral.

    Premier Icon cu dubh
    Subscriber

    OP, as someone who has suffered depression I would say consider this carefully. New relationships can be hard. If the other person is ill it is harder. Are you able and willing to make that level of commitment? Sure its early days in your relationship and you weren’t asking should I commit to a lifelong relationship but if you end up bailing because you can’t cope with her problems that could have a more significant effect than on an otherwise healthy person.

    AdamW
    Member

    To be fair to mrmoofo: I have lived with MrAdamW for 19 years. He suffers from depression and is on strong meds. Because of this (and his emotionally abusive father) he is constantly angry with the world. He has lost two decent-paid jobs because of his depression/anxiety and is now unemployed and I can’t see him getting another job. He refuses to go to the job centre as it is humiliating. Hence I carry us financially and am constantly concerned about what happens to him if something happens to me.

    Because of the depression he doesn’t do that much apart from browse the web. As a result I not only earn our bread I also do the cleaning (though he does the ironing :D), shopping and most of the meals. He’ll sometimes mow the lawns and looks after our dog.

    While I do love him if someone had told me about this situation 20 years ago I would strongly consider walking away before it starts. Living with someone with depression is a minefield as you’re constantly walking on eggshells waiting for the next bomb to drop. You have to look after yourself with vigilance as living with someone with depression can affect you badly so that you start to slip into it yourself, as you’re constantly barraged with negativity.

    rockhopper: I can’t obviously say what’s right for you. If the lady is wonderful go for it but make sure you give yourself enough space to decompress. Look after yourself as a priority, only that way can you help her/be there for her.

    poah
    Member

    is she actually clinically diagnoised with depression and taking meds and getting help or is she just a sad sac?

    I personally wouldn’t have a relationship with anyone like what you describe. Its just too much emotional effort for me.

    project
    Member

    To be fair to mrmoofo: I have lived with MrAdamW for 19 years. He suffers from depression and is on strong meds. Because of this (and his emotionally abusive father) he is constantly angry with the world. He has lost two decent-paid jobs because of his depression/anxiety and is now unemployed and I can’t see him getting another job. He refuses to go to the job centre as it is humiliating. Hence I carry us financially and am constantly concerned about what happens to him if something happens to me.

    Because of the depression he doesn’t do that much apart from browse the web. As a result I not only earn our bread I also do the cleaning (though he does the ironing :D), shopping and most of the meals. He’ll sometimes mow the lawns and looks after our dog.

    Bit like that in a lot of families, someone looses their job, goes into themselves and the other partner has to struggle to cope, its tough, but if there is love there some how you stick together

    Rockhopper
    Member

    I know nothing more about it than she said in that text message and I don’t really know her well enough to ask about it just yet. She was perfectly normal when I’ve met her so I don’t think it’ll be like dating an axe murderer or anything 🙂

    She has a good job that she’s been in for years (civil servant)so that sounds positive.

    I am surprised about the number of people who have said to walk away though.

    Premier Icon Nobeerinthefridge
    Subscriber

    If you quote half the line and take it completely out of context, sure. So, you know, don’t do that.

    Nope, sorry. Religion is a choice, and so nothing like depression at all.

    Premier Icon Pik n Mix
    Subscriber

    I am surprised about the number of people who have said to walk away though.

    Unfortunately it reflects most of society’s attitude to mental health issues.

    project
    Member

    I am surprised about the number of people who have said to walk away though

    Lots of people dont understand that mental health is a problem and an illness, tell someone youve broken your leg and everyone ask show, when etc, tell someone youre depressedand they may well walk away.

    But then any of us can suffer from a broken leg same with depression.

    Premier Icon thetallpaul
    Subscriber

    If you want an appreciation of how people with depression and those around them feel I’d recommend looking at the Black Dog books by Matthew Johnstone.

    Depression is awful to live with and you can’t expect yourself to get things right all the time around sufferers.
    Just let them know that you are there for them when they need.

    All those who are saying walk away, have a word with yourselves. Quite frankly your views are not helpful in the slightest. A relationship will be stronger if you both work together during recovery.

    Good luck OP. Thoughts are with you both.

    mamadirt
    Member

    I doubt you have seen depression in action TBH

    **** off!!!! Speechless!

    Cheers people for all the positive posts . . . and for the others, see above!

    soobalias
    Member

    if you think you can fix it with a planned weekend away or going to a concert….. you have no idea what you are potentially dealing with.

    walk.

    I shouldnt need to share my qualifications. As ive been posting on STW for something like 10yrs, search.

    mrmoofo
    Member

    Northwind – it is a difficult subject to be objective about. I think many with depression see themselves as an island, with no hope. And a somewhat strange assumption that everyone else is having a much better time.
    But it is not a victimless illness – my mother died very young at 54, with a whole load of stress related illnesses and general bad health. All of us, as their children children have inherited a complete lack of self confidence…

    I have no doubt that they did the best that they could do to raise us. My mother stuck by the old goat. In later life I had a great relationship with my father. But never as a father and son – it was on a friends basis …

    So please, if you have depression, or think you might have depression , seek professional help as soon as possible. And don’t take it out on your nearest and dearest … they really don’t deserve it

    Just understand that when The Black Dog arrives – everyone else has to look after the Black Dog, or suffer the consequences

    It must be awful to suffer from depression, and be standing on the side of the black abyss. But I have been there as well, but without the opportunity to make it better !

    Anyway, about the OP’s chick …
    See what happens – the really weird ones can be incredible …. 😉

    AdamW
    Member

    As an aside an interesting book regarding this is “Depression Fallout” which was written to help the people who live with sufferers of depression.

    Depression is an awful disease but unfortunately it touches all those who are in close contact with the sufferer: you wonder what you have done wrong, whether the person still loves you, anger, fear, etc. I have found this book to be helpful.

    neilwheel
    Member

    Rockhopper – Just be patient for now, don’t try to make plans now, it’s very unlikely to register in the positive way that you are hoping. Let her know you are still around and deal with it when she is more responsive.

    Mrmoofo – Sounds like you could do with a bit of help yourself there. Have you spoken to a doctor about this?

    mrmoofo
    Member

    Hi Neil,
    Thanks for asking – nah, I am absolutely fine. I broke out of the shackles of all the things my parents did wrong a long time ago. They did their best, they meant well, but they were dealing with all the curved balls as well
    I have had many years to mould my life and **** it up myself! 😆
    I have come out of it fine – 21 years of marriage, successful in a job ( bait with a little red devil on my shoulder always telling me I’m not good enough)
    I am in a Zen like state about where I am.

    I know it is harsh, but I just wouldn’t want to hang out with the depressed dudes (and I know that the don’t either). It makes me very uncomfortable
    But if they are my flesh and blood – then I have to help.

    neilwheel
    Member

    Good luck to you, enjoy the ride.

    mamadirt
    Member

    Sorry mrmoofo, I guess your earlier reply hit a nerve – glad you’ve come out the other side and sorry to hear about the difficulties you’ve had to deal with. I am a firm believer in ‘what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’ . . . all experiences, good and bad, shape us as a person and will always be there to draw on in the future. All the best!

    poah
    Member

    Unfortunately it reflects most of society’s attitude to mental health issues

    or it reflects people’s experiences with mental health issues which is why I replied. if I had no experience of it I would have not said anything.

    monksie
    Member

    Changed my mind

    Premier Icon Sandwich
    Subscriber

    Nope, sorry. Religion is a choice, and so nothing like depression at all.

    I refer you to the Jesuits thoughts about this. It’s not always a “choice”.

    Sneaky edit to remove line and insert thoughts.

    Premier Icon Northwind
    Subscriber

    Nobeerinthefridge – Member

    Nope, sorry. Religion is a choice, and so nothing like depression at all.

    Except in the context which I gave. Which you’re still ignoring. So… what?

    fr0sty125
    Member

    When I have a depressive episode I normally withdraw, go cold and do not think or act rationally. When I come out of it then I normally feel like the person that was depressed is a completely different person to the real me. Afterwards I just like to be treated as nothing has happened TBH

    dooge
    Member

    People are different. Unfortunately, not everyone is confident, carefree and has the natural ‘bounce’ some people do. I am the type of person that given too much stress from someone close, I will take that on and cannot disconnect. Because of this, I know that entering into a relationship with someone who is diagnosed with depression would be a ticking timebomb. Id sink with the ship.

    However, lots of people are not like this. If you like her, and shes feeling low there may be a logical explanation instead of being someone who regularly suffers depression. As the OP said he does not know the extent of it. Give it a go, be honest with yourself if you have to walk away.

    palmer77
    Member

    Interesting read this one, I has prompted me to think quite a bit especially with regard to myself.

    I have anxiety disorder resulting in depression and OCD, this is caused by a number of things; brain chemistry, genetic predisposition and environmental factors. It’s something that has only been formally diagnosed in the last year, but looking back I believe I have been affected by this much of my adult life. I know that I am not an easy person to live with, but I truly appreciate the love and ongoing support of my wife and family, without it I am not certain I would be here today.

    I am working through it, I was taking Sertraline which is a Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitor (SSRI) but it made my face numb. I am now taking Venlafaxine which is a Serotonin Norepinephrine Reuptake Inhibitor (SNRI). In addition to this I am also undertaking Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) to develop coping strategies.

    The medication, whilst I was against it initially (thinking I could sort myself out) has been invaluable in getting to a place where I can think clearly. The CBT has been equally as important by providing a safe environment to challenge my negative thoughts. I have other things that help, exercise, music and the outdoors. Despite this, I have good days and bad days.

    What I will say is that when I am low, withdrawn or simply unable to cope I behave in a frightened irrational manner. Thankfully this happens less now thanks to the above treatment and support, but I am unsure if it will ever go away fully. At the very least I am now in a position to openly acknowledge my difficulties, and show my appreciate for those who continue to love and support me.

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