Morning, this is one of those times that I know I’ll get the answer from this forum as it is occupied by some varied people with lots of world experience.

It seems as though I cope with any stress less well than I used to, to the point that the big things are turning me into a complete train wreck. I’m 45, successful in my own little pond, married with three terrific kids and have unquestionably had the single best year of my working life ever.

But anytime any stress arises, eg dealing with a very troublesome landlord this week has sent me into apoplexy, ranting and bleating endlessly about this weasel, becoming Mr Shouty about just about everything, even getting angry with slow moving clients and making that anger felt. It is going to start to cause me real problems.

And my feelings are now being really felt at home, my wife is saying I am becoming impossible to live with and she has no idea what to say to help. I don’t want to become some miserable old bugger, I don’t feel “depressed” but I do feel like these things are really getting me down and I don’t seem to be handling them as well as I have done in the past. There is no question that there are many more things to get stressed about and that in itself is an issue as I have always been someone who gets stressed, but I need some coping mechanisms.

Can anyone offer me some advice here ?

Thanks

“If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment. Choose not to be harmed and you won’t feel harmed. Don’t feel harmed and you haven’t been. And MTFU”
— Marcus Aurelius

mate, i deal with stress pretty much the way you are describing.
i become very angry and very sweary, but i work in a male only enviroment so this does not seem to cause much grief.

i never take problems home with me, and i think this is the key.
try to leave work at work.
dont talk about work stuff with you wife/family.
learn to work to live rather that the other way round.

and dont get hung up about it.
a good old rant/scream/argument is not a bad thing.

not great at this time of year when stuck in the house, no day light and takes 3 weeks to get to work and back.

stay off the booze

try and do a bit less

exercise/sleep

try not to think about being stressed to much, otherwise you’ll get even more stressed. also try and go all bhudist and think about other people more. If u think, “I’m fed up but I’ll try and make everyone else feel better”, that makes u feel a bit less self focused and happier

a good old rant/scream/argument is not a bad thing.

It might be for whoever you do it to… 🙄

Always good to have some good mates about. They will not care you letting off steam …they will prob find it amusing. And you will feel better after having a good clear-out of your whinges …and you also may have a giggle about it after.

eat well
exercise
do the things you enjoy
have a routine but don’t be afraid to break out of it to do things you enjoy
sleep
avod alcohol/over-eating
see your friends

This is going to sound gayer than a gay man and i expect a flaming but it might help.
Find yourself a ‘happy’ place , this really has be somewhere you know and love. A beach , a peice of singletrack, maybe your parents garden.
When it all starts to go off the rails take yourself off ‘there’ for a minute.
I get really angry ( read punching inanimate objetcs causing cuts to hands) if something , usually beyond my control, goes wrong.
Now I go for a walk down the hill from the youth hostel in Coverack down to the harbour. Usually just enough to stop me going postal and seeing things in perspective.
A male colleague once lost it in front of his entire family , and was told sternly by a 7 year old ‘ No One’s going to die Grandad’ . Cue fits of laughter. At the end of the day, no ones going to die ( i hope not) its all gravy , stuff happens .
Its the way we deal with all the stuff ,in the moment , and later on that keeps us sane. When the way with coping isnt suffiecient then professional help is probably advisable.
You can insert your own words to replace ‘stuff’
Be aware that it is the SAD time of year, and you are also trying to live up to providing the perfect cristmas for the family, its cold, and wet and muddy and snowing and you prolly are not out on the bike as much ,or getting the same level of endorphines from it.

I hope you find this at least a little bit helpful.
Off to join to 2 trollies brigade at Tesco.- wish me luck

Io there are two aspects here – the amount of stress you have and you reaction to it

Perhaps you need some coping strategies – professional help might be useful in doing this

The other thing is are you getting enough exercise?

The problem is that I work for myself and I work from home all alone, I am therefore around the house and around my wife all day, every day. Part of the problem is that, no question and given I am around all the time when I disappear for 5 minutes to the shed for a quiet fettle, she is out in 10 finding out where I am, its maddening.

The other part at this time of the year is just that exercise bit, you guessed it given where we all are (on this forum) cycling and in particular road riding which is more my thing these days is out of bounds, so no fun to be had.

I hope its a seasonal thing, it seems to be much worse at this time of the year.

Meditation.

If practical you need to designate a work area and be able to close the door and leave it once work time has finished. You also need to set time limits on work, difficult I know if you are working for yourself.

Have you thought about trying to rent a cheap little office?

Can always try running/swimming or even the dreaded turbo to get the endorphin high.

Running your own business is stressful – particularly when you’re depending on clients to pay the bills. You wouldn’t be successful if you didn’t get stressed, so it doesn’t sound like you’re wildly out of synch here – you just need to re-equilibrate a wee bit, a few coping strategies are required for when the blood pressure starts to redline.

That thing you mentioned about your missus tracking you out to the shed – need to have a sit down with her about it. Everyone needs their disconnect time, personal space on their own – explicitly spell this out as these sort of boundaries are important.

Finding time to exercise and making time for yourself is key. The other thing you might need to learn to accept is that you cannot control every little thing. Accept that people are muppets and you will be much less stressed when they resort to muppetry.

roadiesean you have been living with a high and consistent level of stress for a longtime without even realising it. Do you get impatient whilst out driving? Race almost everywhere?

The first step is to realise that you have been constinently stressed BEFORE you realised it and realisation is the first step.

Steps to calm down? You need to start asap as you may be running higher blood pressure. Set yourself a target of relaxing more, taking longer to do something that you would normally rush.

I too work in sales and I LOVE the consistent pressure however I’ve also started becoming snappy,impatient and angry in my downtime.

Avoid drugs from the GP and just make a conscience effort. Keep reminding yourself.

I may of course be wide of the mark!!!

I had a hard time in my late 30’s with an alcoholic wife, two kids to bring up and a fulltime stressy job to keep down. My reaction was to shrink away from things rather than erupt like you, so much so that occassionally the simplest thing became a mountain to climb. I did find drink useful but it is not sustainable in terms of general life… ie. You cannot use it when you have to drive or they won’t allow you to drive anymore etc. If you are angry maybe drink wouldn’t be good anyway! I did try various ‘talk it out with professionals’ options but it just seemed like so much bollocks to me.
The thing that eventualy worked for me was mild beta blockers prescribed by my doctor. They say they don’t harm you but it wouldn’t surprise me if that was to be proved wrong in the future. Be that as it may, to me it made the difference between coping, which I had no choice but to do, and not coping, which wasn’t an option. They have the effect of slowing your heart down which gives you a chance to step back and think rather than go instantly to the primal ‘fight or flight’ options. You sound like you’d go straight to the ‘fight’, I was more the ‘flight’.
It does have the annoying side effect of slowing you down on rides though, but according to my doctor you can just use as nescessary, so I didn’t use on days when I was riding and it seemed fine.

The above may not work for you and you would have to see a doctor first……………..BUT seeing a doctor and discussing your options has to be a priority.

I’m no expert but acknowledging that you have a problem seems to me the most important step and you have already done that……….so good luck…….don’t loose the momentum….get things moving.

The problem is that I work for myself and I work from home all alone, I am therefore around the house and around my wife all day, every day. Part of the problem is that, no question and given I am around all the time when I disappear for 5 minutes to the shed for a quiet fettle, she is out in 10 finding out where I am, its maddening.

do you have a garden? if so could you fit a small summer house / shed / log cabin in there and insulate, run mains and IT to it and have your office there? it’d create a “workplace” at home – but away from the family

I suffer from stress and have been for the last 6 months on the project I have been doing. There are a number of things you can do, but dont expect immediate results. I’m sure some professionals will be along with better advice, but these are my thoughts. As TJ says stress is about the cause and the effect, but it is also about what you do about it 😀

Firstly make sure you are looking after your health. Eat well, including plenty of fresh veg and fruit. Lay off the booze. Try and do some exercise even if its just a 10 minute walk round the block a couple of times a day.

Stress is an emotional (and then physical) reaction to one or a number of things, a feeling of powerless and being overwhelmed. In this situation you do have choices. You can continue in the stressed state. You can withdraw from the situations that are causing stress (do a runner!). You can address whats causing the stress. To address it you need a plan 😀

Identify what is causing the stress, write it all down on a list. Against each thing list a) how much stress you think is causing (high med low), b) how easy it is to resolve.

Produce an action list, of what you are going to do about each thing causing stress in order of priority of easiest to resolve first. Two key things here. 1. Dont worry about the things you think you cannot address now, accept you will have deal with them later. 2. Make sure you follow your action list and review it. You will start to “take the straws of the camels back”.

Another example of the same approach is HERE .

Oh and explain this is what you are doing about it to your Wife. I also lok for humour at times of stress. Its one of the ways I deal with it. Hope you get it sorted!

……………and hora was posting at the same time as me and he says don’t take medicants prescribed by the doctor………..which may well be very valid. But it’s an option and doctors are the people who most commonly deal with these types of problems so I’d still say go for it and talk it out with your doctor and see what they recommend.

Do something though, otherwise you are going to loose the momentum and get trapped back where you were.

Good luck.

Sounds awful but I bet your missus has been mainly reacting to mr grumpy-chops.

Start planning two holidays for this Summer, ask your missus where she would like to go/let her plan it and you plan a solo mountain bike break (or roadie) up to the alps.

Re the drugs comment, in this situation (OP’s) it sounds like hes nowhere nearing the drug requirement. Just abit of mental stress/focus and MTFU.

Thats a fair point Hora. I always have to have a holiday in the calendar to look forward to!

Desiderata – Max Ehrmann

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

ps I am not religous but its an apt poem when discussing real stress.

oh and my biggest stress reducer was getting a dog 😀

P1000302 by carlos_fandango, on Flickr

+1 to Andys comment, we got a dog about 4 months ago and taking him for long walks is brilliant for unwinding!

Probably not related but my mum and dad (*in their lats 50s) had a rough time (dad became intolerable) it turned out to be part of the start of diabetes setting in (and my dads characteristic of not admitting he was feeling ill). He’s on tablets now and the world is a lot better place.

Professional counselling is also an option you might want to consider.

In terms of ‘own time’, can you find a club, evening class, society etc where you get some different people/circumstances – execise/skill ..??
.

Have a chat with a long-unseen friend, go for a ride, start swimming, seek counseling. I did all of those, it helped a bit but not totally. What did help was a proper cuddle with the missus under the duvet 😛

Go for a swim mid-day

Thanks guys, I think Hora has hit the nail on the head, this is a long term stress thing, yep, I work in sales, yep, I’m very successful and yep, I have thrived on stress situations for years and years and loved it.

Now its just getting out of control. Shouting at people in the car, chasing idiot drivers when I’m on the bike (dangerous and stoopid I know) and it feels out of control. The smallest things make me feel sick.

Just too much stress over the past few years (moved country twice, moved house 5 times, had a house in Australia that took over 3 years to sell, lost a fortune on it, had to evict three people for non-payment of rent in Aus, nearly went bust at the end of last year, sick wife with Diabetes and Rheumatoid Arthritis etc, etc, etc)

Thanks so much for all your thoughts guys, really, really glad I wrote the note ! I’ll see a Doc next week.

As for the office thing, I am seperate and we used to have strict rules, 11 years later, its all very blurry and I want to help out as much as I can because she has crappy days with her health, but it just seems to be getting way out of hand. Problem is feeling like I do, communicating in a normal fashion is not that straightforward 🙁

Punch Bag is good.
biking.

Now its just getting out of control. Shouting at people in the car, chasing idiot drivers when I’m on the bike (dangerous and stoopid I know) and it feels out of control. The smallest things make me feel sick.

same here 😕

I had some professional counselling about 18 months ago to help me deal with my anxiety. That plus medication and other things helped me to identify the root cause of my problem.

A very short term solution to stress/anxiety is breathing exercises and consciously taking the time to slow down as you feel the stress rising.

Hope you get things sorted!

I have just read your point up above about feeling sick and I can identify with that feeling and it really is not pleasant.

I found the sick feeling came in waves. Once I had identified that and when one started I could reassure myself that it would pass eventually. Getting caught up in worrying about it even more made me feel sicker and it would last longer.

“because she has crappy days with her health”

Is this why she needs to frequently check that you are close by? If so it’s kind of understandable.

My GF works at home, initially at a desk in the lounge/diner room which was a problem with me being around. I persuaded her to move to the small bedroom, bought a desk and shelving etc. I respect that boundary and only go in if invited or to deposit a cup of tea.

Incidentally, she finds homeworking isolating, uninspiring, and she invents all manner of paranoid delusions about the people she works with. While there are many advantages to homeworking, there’s a big uncharted downside too.

How is your physical health, ie are you sure there are no underlying health issues? Perhaps a GP check-up?

As regards your working from home, I have some experience of this. My ex used to work from home (I was not consulted when he made this decision). I resented it – my space was invaded. I objected to the phone being used all the time for business, evening calls from the States etc etc. Plus not forgetting that you could guarantee I was not at home when the large parcel from Wiggle arrived!

Do you expect your wife to make your coffee and lunch? Even an innocent question such as “where have you been?” made me livid. A home is a home, exactly that. It’s not a place of business.

You’ve endured a huge amount of stress. Now you must take control. A visit to your GP is definitely an excellent starting place.

Good luck.

Edit: I would agree with buzz. Working on your own is not good, human interaction is needed even if it’s discussing last night’s football on TV.

Buzz, “While there are many advantages to homeworking, there’s a big uncharted downside too.” couldn’t agree more.

Having put a bit more detail Sean we can see a bit more.

You need to get your lifestyle under control. Its making you ill and damaging your family. No job / lifestyle is worth it.

You either have to change the job / lifestyle or change its effects upon you. I guess a bit of both

Separate work from home. Work is 40hrs then it stops. Destress – exercise / punch bag / bursting balloons ( very satisfying) whatever it is you need to do.

Professional help will help you deal with stress but you may also need to reduce the stress

One thing – tell your wife you are going to deal with it. Take the tension away between you.

Take a holiday ASAP

1. Posting here means you’re aware you need to deal with it. Which is key. Don’t mean to be patronising but I’ve seen more than a few people not deal with their issues simply because they couldn’t see they had any
2. Totting up that list of stressful situations you’re in/have had there’s plenty of people would’ve likely broken by now – you’re only human. It’s a pretty heavy load for anyone to cope with, let alone someone who seems quite driven (from what you’ve said)
3. I recommend finding an alternative physical outlet for those days when you can’t get out on the bike. I find core strength work on a fitball helps a lot – easily done in the house and pays dividends on the bike in improving power
4. About 3 years ago I read a research report suggesting that levels of stress and poor mental health would increase as the recession developed as so many of us a) had lived beyond our means and would struggle to adjust and b) had limited experience of living through economic hard times. I think its easy to forget that the whole system we live in and we plan the future around nearly broke a few years ago, and it’s still not clear how it’ll look in the future which is a pretty significant cause of stress for us all, collectively. Which simply adds an extra layer to anyone who’s already leading a stressful life and probably enough to make things intolerable
5. As been said here, if you’ve got so far as to post on here asking for help I’d go and speak to the doc, he/she’ll have seen far more of this kind of thing than you’ve had hot dinners. When I let work get on top of me a few years ago the doc pointed out very calmly and obviously that ‘it’s only a job’. Which I kind of needed him to say… although to him it was bleedin’ obvious

Good luck

I have a technique that I learnt when I injured my lower back, you could say the it’s a relaxation technique or a form of meditation.

I put down some padding and a blanket or cover on the floor.

Then I simply lie flat on my back and bring my knees up and put my feet comfortably beneath my butt, then I place my feet about shoulder width apart and this pushes my knees together and locks them in place.

Then I lift my upper body up and lower it slowly, with my lower back at first finishing with my head. Once I’m comfortable I simply concentrate on breathing deaply but relaxed, I don’t strain my breathing but I do regulate and influence it.

Once I’m in a relaxed but aware state, I think about all the shit in my life and question how it makes me feel and why I feel like that. At first it takes a long time because I have a lot of crap I’ve been ignoring or putting off! dealing with.

However each time I do it, I sort out the jumbled mess the ratrace makes of my mind and bring a bit of order back into my life, in effect I gain control over my life because I decide how circumstance and events effect me.

Not sure it this will work for anyone else, but it works for me 😀

Exercise and meditation have both been mentioned previously and for me that describes non-technical rides – I’m not an expert and I can’t say they’ll help but they won’t hurt.

Someone on here who works from home suggested the very sensible idea of cycling to work every morning – 5 miles out, 5 miles back type thing.

Worth a try if it’s feasible

Sounds more like anger management help is needed rather than help with stress

Try my technique, it only takes between 10 and 20 minutes and is good for all sorts of problems, I learnt it to deal with pain. Now I use it for stress and when I want to think about different issues.

All it will cost you is a little time and surely it can’t do any harm.