being misserable for a socially acceptable period of time

I am not aware of anyone thinking grief for a dead partner should last less than 3 days before moving on ;there may be some middle ground between depression and suicide [ which you seem to have dragged up from nowhere] and 72 hours.

They are not as you describe they just miss their mum/partner.
As for the personal your view is certainly an outlier of the norm. I am less sure the two I mentioned are though they may be at the longer end of the curve.

Similar issues. All i can rember from my childhood is being told off, shouted at, smacked and my brother getting all the new shiny stuff.

Throughout life all my meagre achievements are my own without thier help. They continue to be biased toward my brother, my mum especially defending him to the hilt when he left his wife and three kids for another woman via a divorce he made very bitter.

My Dad died in May suddenly and unexpectedly. For the last few years i wondered what i would say if i ever came to be beside him on his deathbed, but that never happend. My mum told me he was immensly proud of what ive achieved, but would never tell me. A secret diary he had kept revealed a similar paranoid obsessive personality to mine. I cried a bit at the funeral in June, and went to the Scattering this Friday. On both occasions i felt i should say some private words into the ether, but when the occasion arose im not sure what to say.

My mum arranged for her me and my brother to have lunch on Friday. I found i was distanced and uncomfortable and now glad the episode is over so i dont have to visit.

One thing troubles me; as ive become a homeowner and parent of two ive come to realise the struggles they went through in th 70s, with 16% mortgages, 4 jobs between them and two kids. Maybe i suffered from the stress and financial restriction i was at that time unable to understand.

Mboy, my view is that distance is the key. Ive moved on from the past, it cant be changed so I work very hard not to repeat how i was treated to my kids, and to treat them fairly and with love and i treasure the fact they want cuddles, to ride bikes and share thier schoolwork and time in general with me. I never outwardly wanted that becuase i feared the backlash, so that fact my kids love me as a Dad its my happiest and greatest achievement in life and that remains my focus today. Trying to get that from my Mum and Brother wont happen, and i dont want it, let them be stay in each others company they dont need me.

Two column list. All the positive things he might bring to your life and the lives of those close to you. All the negatives on the other. You can be as generous or realistic in your assessment as you wish.

A positive for staying in touch might be any guilt you might feel by cutting him off.

Have a look at the results. It will help cut through the false narratives and self-deception that it’s hard to avoid when thinking about family matters.

Ive re read my post and realise i didnt make my summary clear; as above – walk away and focus on your own life.

A punctured tube will always have a hole in it.

I admire your patience.

I punched mine when I was 10 (older sister long departed the happy home to strike out on her own), left home myself when I was 19 and subsequent visits back (big mistake) simply showed me what a useless mofo the man actually was.

Last I saw of him was the hollowed-out window mannikin in his coffin at the funeral parlour.

Let’s not go into what happened in there with just the two of us…

There’s no reason, IMO, why you should put up with an arse just because you’re unfortunate enough to share some of his genes.

The camel’s back approacheth, methinks. 😈

There are reasons he behaves as he does, understand them and forgive him. Then get on with your life.