Bring a raincoat
And a suitcase
And your dark eyes
And wear those red shoes

Last night there were skinheads on my lawn

Take the skinheads bowling

Take them bowling

You and me baby ain’t nothin’ but mammals
So let’s do it like they do on the Discovery Channel

And he asks me if De La Rosa is her Surname

And I knew there was something weird about him
‘Cause when I turned around he was pullin’ a big palm tree
Right up out of the ground
And swattin’ those Charlies with it from here to Kingdom Come

She wore big knickers and she worked at the sewage farm.
Got my hands down her jeans and I nearly lost half my arm.
But after ten pints, she looked quite fit,
Couldn’t wait to get my hands on her flabby tits.
Slap that and ride the ripples, just got to get my gob round her greasy nipples.
Flabby arse, sweaty breasts, thirty eight chins, she was a mound of flesh.
Sweaty Betty, she eats a lot of pies,
Sweaty Betty, she’s got enormous thighs,
Sweaty Betty, have you smelled her breath?
Sweaty Betty, she’d crush a man to death.

I knew that she wanted me to shag her, so I stabbed her **** with my mutton dagger.
I couldn’t believe the size of her bum,
She used to play for Wigan at the back of the scrum.
I’ve seen nowt like it since the day I was born,
But you know me, I’ll shag owt that’s warm.

Sweaty Betty, she eats a lot of chips,
Sweaty Betty, she’s got massive tits,
Sweaty Betty, she’s got a huge vagina,
Sweaty Betty, you’d fit a bus inside her,
She’s so obscene, three tons of margarine,
She’s like a lump of lard
But Sweaty Betty makes my willy hard.

Kiss me where the sun don’t shine?

The little old lady from Pasadena?

Heading down the back turnpike, signposts are pointing west
Fell into the lonely dustpipe hope my (it’s not a) pick up can stand the test..

Here I am all dressed in snakeskin
Now I’m in your kitchen making love to your cake tin
Oh no, is this the one you bake in?
I told you I was freaky did you think I was fakin’?
At 8PM I sell my underpants on eBay
At half-past nine I hold a seance in your hallway
At ten o’clock I ask some ghosts for a three way
Yes it’s creepy, I told you I was freaky.

Ow!
Ow ow ow!

I told you I was freekie, baby!
I told you I was freekie, baby!

I come awake with the gift for women kind
Your still asleep but the gift don’t seem to mind
Rise enough occasion half way up your back
Sliding down your body touching your behind……

You
Have been in me
And understandably
I have been in ‘n’ outa you, ‘n’ outa you, ‘n’ outa you
An’ everywhere
You want me to ‘n’ outa you
Yes, you know it’s true
And while
I was inside
I mighta been
Undignified
And that is maybe
Why you cried
I don’t know
Maybe so,
But what’s the difference now?

To the same tune rugby club lyrics

Syphallis,
Now it don’t half hurt when I try to piss

See also;

Leprosy
I’ve contracted Leprosy
Bits keep falling off of me
Oh, I’ve contracted Leprosy

Suddenly…..I’m not half the man I used to be….

Etc

I like cashmere and I like your sweater..
If you take it off, we’ll both feel better

Larger than life, sharper than a knife,
Ever ready for the time,
Slick and smooth I’m bound to improve your mood,
And make you feel fine,
Stick with me now, I’m ready and how
I’m really starting to buzz,
Your feeling comes, I’m starting to hum,
I can do it like nothing else does,
You’re never alone when I’m around
You can always rely on me,
I’m your friend, my love won’t bend,
And that I can guarantee,
Straight and true and all for you,
I’m so eager to please,
Stick with me and I’ll keep you free,
From any nasty disease,
‘Cause I’m a vibrator,
Pleased I’m ready to start,
I’m vi-vi-vi-vibrator, with a power pack for a heart

I’m asking you to back horse thats only good for glue..

The bigger the cushion, the sweeter the pushin’
That’s what I said
The looser the waistband, the deeper the quicksand
Or, so I’ve read.
My baby fits me like a flesh tuxedo
I love to sink her with my pink torpedo.

Big bottom
Big bottom
Talk about bum cakes
My gal’s got ’em.
Big bottom
Drive me out of my mind.
How can I leave this behind?

I saw her on Monday, twas my lucky bun day
You know what I mean.
I love her each weekday, each velvety cheek day
You know what I mean.
My love gun’s loaded and she’s in my sights
Big game’s waiting there inside her tights.

Big bottom
Big bottom
Talk about mud flaps
My gal’s got ’em.
Big bottom
Drive me out of my mind.
How can I leave this behind?

Well I see you got a new boyfriend
You know I never seen him before
And I saw you making love to him
You forgot to close the garage door

The kind of girl you read about
In the new wave magazines.

Beer n sex n chips n gravy

Everybody get your necks to crack around
All you crazy people come on jump around
I want to see you all on your knees, knees
You either want to be with me, or be me!

I shoulda been more careful
When I let him rock my boat
I stressin’ all day, everyday
Hopin’ it’s not the case
I hope I’m just late

Hello, your name is David, I am Veronica
Let’s be together, until the water swallows us
Hello, you must be David, I am Veronica
Let’s be together until we’re all finally crushed

I knew a girl named Nikki
I guess you could say she was a sex fiend
I met her in a hotel lobby
Masturbating with a magazine
She said how’d you like to waste some time
And I could not resist when I saw little Nikki grind

I met him in a crowded room
Where people go to drink away their gloom
He sat me down and so began
The story of a charmless man

Eh, sexy lady
?-?-?-? ?? ?????
Eh, sexy lady
?-?-?-?

That boozy English day at the Brighton Race Courses.
(The wind blew my skirt up & it frightened the horses).
We were wrong, we were wrong but so young & so very in lo-o-ove.

The May-Ball in Oxford we arrived in a punt.
(You fell down in the beer-tent, unashamedly drunk).
We were wrong, we were wrong but so young & so very in lo-o-ove.

Cos’ I’m going to Rhino over your lino,
(& I’m going to Rhino with you).
In all kinds of leather, we Rhino “together”.
We’ll keep Rhinoing thru’.

Sunlight on the lino
Waking me with a shake
I looked around to find her
But she’d gone
Goodbye girl
Goodbye girl
Goodbye girl

I’ve lost my silver RAZOR
My club room locker keys
The money in the WAIST COAT
It doesn’t bother me
My wife has moved to JERSEY
So Mug is not the word
If you ever see her
Say hello goodbye girl

I said, I don’t know her just met her tonight
And Adrock started hiding everything in sight
D. pulled me over said, hide your gold,
The girl is crafty like ice is cold!
The girl is crafty, she knows all the moves
I started playing records, she knew all the grooves
He thought she was a thief and D. was right
But I just figured she’d spend the night
When I woke up later in the afternoon
She had taken all the things from inside his room
I found myself naked in the middle of the floor
She had taken the bed and the chest of drawers
The mirror, the TV, the new guitar cord
My remote control and my old skateboard
She robbed us blind, she took all we owned
And the boys blamed me for bringing her home

You pick up this working girl,
who’s hooked on smack,
who hustles and scores.
“That’s all I do,” she says.

She says, “ten bucks for head, fifteen for half and half.”
She says, “three hits a day at thirty-five per.”
You say, “that’s seven tricks a day at least.”
“But,” she says, “sometimes I get lucky.”
“Once this guy gives me a bill and a half just to eat me.
Only time I ever came.”

You figure you can save her.

You sell your color TV.
That keeps her off the streets a whole day.
You hock your typewriter for one jolt.
Then your shotgun, your watch.

A week later, you say, “listen, I’m a little short.”
But she says, “no scratch, no snatch.”
You say, “look, it is better to give.”
“But,” she says, “beat off, creep.”

One night they spot you on the street in your skivvies,
trying to sell your shoes.
You tell them who you are,
but they nail you.

Then she happens by,
and she says, “Christ, you look ****.”
She says, “hang tough.”

But you don’t say anything.
You just think, what a bum rap for a nice, sensitive guy like me.

I couldn’t say where she’s coming’ from
But I just met a lady named Dinah-Moe Humm

She stroll on over, say look here, bum,
I got a forty dollar bill say you can’t make me cum
(Y’jes can’t do it)

I whipped off her bloomers ‘n stiffened my thumb
An’ applied rotation on her sugar plum

I poked ‘n stroked till my wrist got numb
An’ you know I heard some Dinah-Moe Humm
Some Dinah-Moe Humm
Dinah-Moe Humm
Dinah-Moe Humm
Dinah-Moe
Dinah-Moe
Some Dinah-Moe
An’ a little Dinah-Moe
An’ some Dinah-Moe
An’ some Dinah-Moe
An’ some Dinah-Moe
An’ a little Dinah-Moe
An’ some Dinah-Moe
An’ some Dinah-Moe
An’ some Dinah-Moe
An’ a Dinah-Moe again
An’ Dinah-Moe
An’ Dora too, lil’ Dinah ‘n Dora
An’ Dinah-Moe
Kiss my aura, Dinah
😀

Sounds like I had quite a night.
Romance is definitely dead.

Well, I’m not the world’s most physical guy
But when she squeezed me tight she nearly broke my spine
Oh my Lola, lo lo lo lo Lola

You came twice last year like a Sears catalog,
Cause your last boyfriend makes love like Boss Hogg,
Well now you’re seeing me but soon I’ll have you seeing God,
Cause girl I’ll get you panting like you’re Pavlov’s dog,
Like a DC-10: guaranteed to go down,
But baby your black box is the one that I found,
I’ll give you the gift that keeps on givin’ it won’t cost you any money,
Then she grabbed me by the ears and said kiss me where it smells funny.

Blood Hound Gang – Kiss Me Where It Smells Funny.

But I still haven’t found what I’m looking for.

You say you don’t want it
You don’t want it
Say you don’t want it

Then you slip it on in

Spotcheck Billy got down on his hands and knees
He said “Hey mama, hey let me check your oil all right?”
She said “No, no honey, not tonight.
Come back Monday, come back Tuesday, and then I might”

Times like these call for some old school Digital Underground…

Gettin’ back to my mission, break out the whipped cream and the cherries,
Then I go through all the fly positions:
My head under her leg under my arm under her toe.
She says, ‘I like it when you scream, baby let yourself go.’
I hit it and split it, lick it and quit it.
After the ride, put my clothes on and walk outside,
And before anybody gets a chance to speak,
I say, ‘Yo, don’t say nuttin’, I guess I’m just a freak!’

I had a rendezvous with Nina, in the back of her Cortina.
A seasoned up hyena. She couldn’t have been more keenah.
I got right up between her… well, you can Google the rest.

🙂

Play the concertina, be a temptress
And baby I’m defenceless.

She was gettin’ bombed,
And I was gettin’ blown away,
And she held me in her hand
And this is what she had to say:
A pearl necklace.
She want a pearl necklace.
She want a pearl necklace.

She is so tough, as pure as the driven slush.
And that’s not jewellery she’s talkin’ about,
It really don’t cost that much.

She was gettin’ bombed,
And I was gettin’ blown away,
And she took me in her hand,
And this is what she had to say:
A pearl necklace.
She want a pearl necklace.
She want a pearl necklace.

I love a girl
and that is that
she comes from the east
where the land is flat
and on the surface
she may seem dumb
’cause her cousin is her uncle
and he’s married to her mum
but she’s alright she’s my fenland rose
she’s got two strong arms
and she’s got webbed toes
and when we get close and she gets randy
her extra finger comes in quite handy