Following on the thread t’other week about stupid accidents you’ve had on your bike, whats yours, or someone you know’s, daftest off-the-bike incident.

This is provoked by an absolute couldn’t-make-it-up classic from the better half’s place of work. A colleague has broken her leg. Full plaster cast, the lot! How? ….. slipping on a pasty while walking out of Greggs 😆

Your tales of bumbling stupidity please……

Just before heading to bed one night I decide to remove the broken window latch in the kithcen that has been there for about three months. I grab a screwdriver and climb on to the work surface in my socks. to reach the screw I need to stretch at which point I slip and then it all goes downhill…and I end up on the floor in pain, I stand-up only to fall down again as I am little confused. This is what happend:

As I slipped I stabbed my left hand with with the scew driver, ouch! On the way down I try to stop myself and put my handout….into a cactus, ouch. My shins leave most of the skn on the edge of the work surface..ouch and then I am on the floor, bump. Not realising what I’ve done I put my hands out to push myself up. pushing the cactus thorns furher into my hand……ooowwwwwww. I fall down again.

I slowly walk up the stairs to ask my wife for help, who laughs a lot.

I’ve learnt never to do DIY last thing at night and have removed all of the cacti from the house.

an 8′ length of 4×2 was nailed to a large sheet of plywood.
I wanted the 4×2 off the sheet.
I stood on the sheet and having first prised up one end of the 4×2, managed to take a hold and lift with all my might.
When the nails gave up the fight, all at once, physics caught up with me. I clouted myself in my chin with one end of an 8′ length of 4×2.
Went down like old Ricky Hatton. Claret everywhere.
Still got the scar 3 yrs later, and an angry one too as it turns out Mrs Stoner is a lousy nurse with the steri-strips. Mine’s a “lived-in” face now.

I have crap knees with the cartilage of a 70 year old (according to the consultant). I still vividly remember the first time I knackered my knees – I was thirteen years old, and I bent down to pick up a pile of German textbooks (called ZickZack, if I recall correctly) in room 24, the language lab. Knees just went underneath me, and they’ve never been the same since, despite three operations.

Whenever anyone says, “Bend at the knees” when picking something up, I have to fight the urge to punch them in their smug face.

withersea – that sounds reminiscent of….

[video]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J2_tJIgfnDA[/video]

😆

I was balancing on a calor gas cannister bottle and fell off landing on top of the bottle which broke a number of ribs.

At school a lad turned up for a fight with for some reason only known to himself, a padlock hanging off his finger. The first time he tried to hit the other lad with it, his finger broke.

When I was a kid a friend bought me a knife back from holiday. But eff off stabbing knife that would be banned nowadays. We were in my back garden hacking away at some wood with it and it hit my finger chipping the bone. We looked at the awesome view of my bone with a gouge in it for a good 20 seconds before the blood started pouring out.

At the age of about 12 my brother fell about 25ft from a tree swing (you know the type with a bit of wood tied to a rope that you can either sit on or hold onto)……the reason he fell…..he let go of the wood….the reason he let go of the wood…a notch in the wood was ‘digging in’ to his hand and ‘hurting’ 😕
He walked away from the fall totally uninjured

I tried to squash a cardboard box by jumping on it. Failed to foresee the effect of my weight landing at an angle on a sturdy box on a polished wooden floor would have.

Managed to catapult myself through the air and landed on a glass table. Cracked a rib.

When my sister was at school some girls in her class put a banana skin on the floor to find out if you really can slip on them. Turns out you can, and the girl who slipped broke her leg.

So not that funny, thinking about it now.

A friend of mine got run over crossing the road.

He died.

A prat from my sixth form days who was a known scummer went out one night to steal some calor gas tanks from a campsite. In a 5 minute period of blind theft at 1am he; lacerated his hand on a barbed wire fence which required loads of stitches. Burnt his hand and forearm pretty much completely up to the elbow and had to have a skin graft. Got bitten by a guard dog in the calf, dropped the now half empty gas tank he was trying to steal on his foot and fractured something, then whilst nobley attempting to flee back over the same fence he climbed over earlier, fell 7 or 8 feet onto a concrete manhole surround (at an angle) and then broke the ankle he had earlier dropped the calor gas tank on. What an unutterable pillock.

It was going to be on some show about the worlds most stupid criminals but he was still legally a minor so they weren’t allowed to use it. Shame 🙁

Withersea – That made me laugh, sorry 😆

When I was about 12. I managed to knock my front tooth out, and put a hole in my lip.

This happened because I thought it would be a good idea to pick up a sledge hammer, with the large metal hammer bit at the bottom, and the handle pointing up 90 degrees, and drop it on a plastic bottle to try and fire the lid off, the lid was screwed on too tight… So it bounced back up, hit me in the chin/mouth and knocked my tooth out, through my lip. Nice.

I had a summer job clearing out the local grave yard. We hired a skip to take away the mess at the end of the job (somebody dumped a fridge freezer in it whilst I was away at lunch! But I digress).

I had managed to find the front wheel, bit of axle and tyre off a truck in the bushes and couldn’t lift it high enough to get it in the skip. I put a couple of planks up the side of the skip but couldn’t push the wheel barrow up it.

Sooo… in a moment of genius I decided to take a run up.

As I hit the bottom of the plank ramp at full chat the planks separated. Me, the barrow and the wheel hit the back of the skip and one of the planks sprung up and smacked me in the head.

I came to face down in the gravel, trapped under the barrow and wheel with an old lady staring at me. I asked her to get help as I was stuck and a bit stunned. She didn’t. The cow. Eventually I managed to crawl out and went home looking like I had run headlong into a skip, been hit with a plank and squashed by a truck.

£75 a week cash in hand though. Not bad for 1991.

£75 a week cash in hand though. Not bad for 1991.

Copy of thread e mailed to George and HMRC 🙂

I’m a pretty alright snowboarder, but I simply cannot ride button lifts. the better I get, the less that bothers me; I figure it must be the lift’s fault if I’ve got to the level I am and still can’t do it!

I’ve had to make a few phone calls to mates at the top: “I’m still on my way, I fell off it again”.

On that note Klumpy whilst on the school ski trip 10 years ago we discovered it was hugely funny to press someone’s ski bindings just as the lift went, taking the skier but leaving their skis behind. Fun times.

oh yes if it was on video I’d be a youtube star. thankfully it’s not, but I have the experience burnt into my memory vividly and wife freely tells anyone that will listen!

On a squadron run whilst posted to Germany. It was normal for the guy in front to shout post to warn the person behind that there would be a snow post obstacle, which were nut high. The guy in front of me hadn’t been paying attention and ran into it. I ran into the back of him, he managed to get out of the way just before numerous others piled into the back of me smashing nuts off the post with each collision.
I was left holding onto the post for dear life, throwing my guts up with a very worried looking OC standing over me. After taking a moment to recover I managed to finish the last couple of miles of the run. No long term damage but did get the OC’s attention in my new posting and promotion followed.

I was 14 years old, in the middle of a tense football match, and wanted to try out the bicycle kick I had been practicing with a friend day in and day out over the previous number of weeks.

Suddenly, I had my chance. The ball was sailing towards me, I positioned myself, and managed to kick the ball straight into my own face. Hard.

Much to the delight of both teams and all the spectators.

I had to drill a hole in a long thin strip of steel. Decided not to clamp it or anything, what’s the worst that can happen? Oh, the drill bit can stick causing the bit of steel to wrap round the bit then get pulled in like a tape measure at about a thousand miles an hour, ripping all the skin off the palm of my hand?

It did look awesome though, very terminator.

Grandfather at 80 decides to clean the moss on the roof of his bungalow. Decides a proper spray kit is too expensive so uses the chemical in plant misters. Doesn’t wait to let it die but tries to rake it immediately. Obviously doesn’t work so he lobs the rake into the yard and climbs down.

Predictably, steps off ladder onto rake, rake hits him in the side of the head knocking him down towards the back door. grabs door handle to stop fall, pulls door shut but has fingers in the door jam and nearly cuts off the tips of 3 fingers.

Mate of mine broke his heel stamping on a Quality Street. I think it was the hazelnut one.

He apparently got very frustrated with the wrapper.

Friend of an old colleague (farmer) lost all his fingers on one hand whilst trying to do something stupid like untangle a bit of string from a baler whilst it was running. A few years later he slammed the other hand in a heavy steel door with sharp edges and lost the fingers off that too.

D’oh!

Otherhalf had trouble closing wahing machine door, needs a really good shove. So, holding it place with one hand gives it a really good kick.
Broke three fingers.
.
She drives an automatic, so had left foot flapping around in the footwell, nowhere in particular. It just happened to be underneath the brake pedal when she had to do an emergancy stop. Broke (I forget how many) toes.

Friend of mine at school lived on a farm. It was fun to wander all over it without worrying about rights of way etc. Found myself in a dense field of ripe wheat one hot summer, on which I thought I could jump like some kind of soft cushy mattress. Well, wheat doesn’t hold up a person, and the ground was very hard and rocky. No serious damage, but it really really hurt and I had to laugh it off whilst trying not to puke.

Oh and aged about 5 I was walking along the top of a fence made from strips of 9mm ply. I predictably slipped one foot each side, and ripped my scrotum. One of those ones where every medical professional that looks at your injury goes ‘oooh’ and sucks air in through teeth.

I tripped over the edge of a blue gym mat onto the mat when I was younger. Broken leg.

Playing squash this lunchtime, I managed to whack my thumb into my teeth such that my incisor went between my nail and my thumb, it’s still bleeding.

Whilst cutting a hole for a down lighter in the ceiling at our last house a few years back, I managed to break my hand in two places 😥 😳

I was using a big mains drill without a clutch and a hole saw and as I’m fairly tall decided to not bother with the step ladder, it was a reach but doable it was on the last one of 20 odd when I did it, the bit snagged on a lath and the drill whipped around Ouch! I did finish that hole before going to the bathroom and sitting on the floor with my hand in the sink of cold water. My wife appeared 10 mins later to find me looking rather off colour, then having to cancel her night out to spent it with me at the hospital.

The following week with the holes still there open to the loft as my hand was in a cast, we woke about 3-4ish in the morning to a blackbird/starling flying around inside the house trying to escape. It’d got on from a hole in next doors soffits and somehow into our loft then down through one of the holes. my wife opened all the windows and chased it out not before it left **** on the new carpet.

Managed to slash the inside of my hand using a metal lino ruler (think thats what its called) that i’d found. Went to swing it like a sword and it slipped out oy my hand.

Hoovering the stairs, couldn’t be bothered to unplug Henry from the top of the stairs and plug him in at the bottom so reached a little bit too far and ended up pulling a fully loaded Henry right onto my head. A Henry is normally pretty weighty but full laden and with the momentum of falling down 7 stairs it gave me enough of a whack to send me to the bottom of the stairs…

It hurt quite a lot.

Where is WCA when you really need him!

I have had many sill accidents doing DIY.

Stepped on a loose board and slipped when gutting my house, grabbed door frame that had not been denailed ripping finger to the bone.

Putting soil pipe up, had said pipe against the wall ready to mark fixings and needed level to check it was vertical. Level was at the other end of the wall so left soil pipe leaning against wall to fetch level. Bent down to get level and was knocked unconscious by soil pipe.

Hoovering the stairs, couldn’t be bothered to unplug Henry from the top of the stairs and plug him in at the bottom so reached a little bit too far and ended up pulling a fully loaded Henry right onto my head. A Henry is normally pretty weighty but full laden and with the momentum of falling down 7 stairs it gave me enough of a whack to send me to the bottom of the stairs…

I have been close to doing this too!

A friend of mine got run over crossing the road.

He died.

Hilarious!!

Another snowboarding one. At a modern 4 person lift my mate went through the little gate onto the conveyor, straightened his coat and planted his feet, and looked back to see a line of 4 people behind him ready to get scooped up!

I got frustrated with being unable to reach a dragline without skating up to it, decided THIS was the time and went ballsout straightline for it, reached it easily, and just grabbed it with both hands. Turns out I was going much faster than it was, my body and legs overtook my hands before I landed in a heap and I knocked over almost everyone else using it.

(They were all skiers though. 😆 )

My wife learnt at a very young age, that performing a handstand whilst playing the recorder is not condusive to retaining your front teeth.

Shooting my air rifle in the garden as a lad. Had a random bunch of targets, including an old skateboard wheel. Aimed at wheel. Squeezed trigger. Then WHOOSH as the rebounding pellet grazed through my hair.

Never did that again..!

While at university a friend of mine while drunk decided to jump over a bollard…he forgot to jump.

The following weekend while drunk, he proceeded to show his ‘black’ balls to another friend who was studying to be a Dr*, while in a kebab shop. Said friend insisted that as he was going to be a Dr he should be able to provide some suitable advice.

*PhD in astrophysics

Another: chasing a lad at school during a play fight. He ran through a door and promptly kicked it shut in my face. Door hits forehead and bounced the back of my head into the sharp edge of the door frame. Cue a trip to A&E for stitches.

Oh, and in a personal incident…

When about 13 I volunteered to test out our death slide we had made in my mates field…it snapped and I fell about 10ft onto my backside.

The following weekend after analysing the results of our trial, we replaced our washing line death slide with one made from plastic coated steel cable. This one was more successful.

Used to be a skateyboarder one dark night a bunch of us were waiting about for someone to arrive and gooning about. I was standing with both feet on the tail of my board, holding the nose and hopping up and down like on pogo stick, landing on the tail rather than the wheels.

For dares and giggles I was trying to jump higher and higher until I pitched forward a bit trying to give the tail more height and landed on the rear wheels which shot backwards and summersaulted me onto my head. I feel a pretty heavy impact and a sound like an old damp soggy football being kicked. I pick myself up and start dusting myself off and a pal says – ‘errr, your nose is bleeding’ and I wipe my nose look at my hand – yeap lots of blood. I’m not far from home so scurry back to look for some tissue.

Get home and decide kitchen roll is the best bet, can’t find any so shout through to my mum to ask where it is – dripping blood all over the floor by now. She comes in ands says

“they’re going to need to stitch that”

“stitch what?”

“go and look in the mirror” (she’s very calm about it – she ran an intensive care ward at the time so this was small potatoes)

I go into the bathroom and in the mirror is a guy with a face like a plate of bloody mince and offal – skinned my forehead (which was the only bit I thought had hit the deck) nose, cheeks, top lip and chin. Deep gouges in my eyebrow, bridge of nose and about a quarter on the tip of my nose is missing and by now my eyes are starting to puff up too.

Curiously – non of this hurts, at all.

She takes me to casually where I get xrayed and then a nurse has to try and patch me up, non of the big wounds can be stitched as theres nothing to stitch together. So she picks as much grit out as she can then tries to put a dressing on – nothing is the right size or shape be able to cover a hole without the sticky bit landing on grazed skin. After a few failed attempts she gives up and gets a huge surgical dressing, cuts two eyeholes in it and tapes it round my head.

I exit casualty looking like the Phantom of the Opera, perhaps quite apt as this all happened on Halloween

I week or so later we pass the scene of the accident and find a foot long scrawp of my face still on the tarmac

Every now and then theres a clip on You’ve Been Framed jumping and face planting in exactly the same way but they cut away while it still looks hilarious.