I was talking to a client earlier on, showing her a TV ad that solves the same problem we’re trying to solve for her. I tried to say ‘the agency who did that was genius’.
Unfortunately, mind and mouth disconnected momentarily and I tried to say agency and genius at the same time, failed and just started my sentence with ‘anus’ instead 🙂
Luckily my client is pretty cool and she didn’t blink…

Anus is probably an entirely accurate description of her opinion of ad agencies.

When being invited to use a chemical loo in a mate’s rather primitive cottage. I asked, might that be an act of chemi-khasi? His girlfriend clumped me one. She was japanese.

Telling the chap I work with, who is particularly slow….. If there was a zombie apocalypse he would be one of the first eaten… 😆

I do.

Asking my girlfriend in the car on a long drive if she was asleep. When she said pardon, I asked her again. DOH

watch this!

In the same vain, someone once told me I drove fast. I told them they should come with me when I am on my own.

MrsMC and I were sat on the sofa flicking around the channels the other week and stumbled across Gogglebox for the first. After a few minutes watching the “stars” watching the telly and making dumb comments, I turned to MrsMC and said “If aliens watched this they would assume that there is always one stupid one in any couple”.

“The aliens could be right” was her pithy retort.

One Easter Monday I asked a kid how many Easter eggs he’d received.
Not only was he Jewish but he had type one diabetes.
Doh.

Instead of saying “F off” I said “F you” … arrrggghhh … to my colleague in front of all other colleagues.

😆

Edit: arse, there is a character limit to the stw Reply box after all.

I once asked in a meeting where the interim was? I think I got away with it whilst laughing with everyone else.

Never did find it though!

“Tell us about a time when you have used your initiative to achieve a goal.”

My response was along the lines of “One time my manager told me to do something I found ridiculous so I did something different to achieve the same result.”

Didn’t get the job.

Once went to a bar with a complex food order. One of the dishes was an English breakfast with black pudding. I got tongue-twistered halfway through and asked for a “blackfast.” The guy serving me had skin the colour of ebony, but it was a genuine mangle of consonants rather than a Basil Faulty “don’t mention the war” moment.

“Yes sir, one ‘blackfast’,” he repeated. I was mortified. And then of course I tried to explain, dig dig dig dig…

As a teenager, getting a lift home from a party from a friends dad. Trying to not appear to have been drinking.

We pass the hotties – a hot canal in St Helens were you used to be able to catch tropical fish – chat in the car is about fishing. Conversation dies down and I start to feel that I’m drawing attention to my drunken-ness by not saying anything so I deploy an anecdote about the only time I’ve ever gone fishing.

I pierce the silence with

“I caught crabs in Wells on Sea”

Of course I can light my farts – watch this

When’s Chinese Christmas? Lordy Lordy, didn’t I feel silly when someone pointed out I meant new year

Ordering a starter at the local Indian resteraunt I ask “do you use white fish in your fish pakora?”
Table goes silent, waiter stares hard and oblivious to both I say “you know, like cod or haddock”…

Ordering a starter at the local Indian resteraunt I ask “do you use white fish in your fish pakora?”
Table goes silent, waiter stares hard and oblivious to both I say “you know, like cod or haddock”…

lost me on this one?

Not me but a work mate got flustered in the curry house and asked for a “kas chicken banana” rather than a bhuna.

Ooh I’m good at this one.

Lady ambulance driver pulls alongside me at the lights, she says ‘Nice legs’ and I accidentally say back ‘shame about your face’.

Walking down the corridor at work, the CIO is walking towards us who has announced he’s leaving, I say “Are you still here?”

I’ve got loads, I’m always doing it.

More of a daft phone call, but anyway…

Me: “Aaah, hello *ex girlfriend*, just thought I’d call to say that I’ll be doing a masters, so I’ll not be able to pay you back the last £5,000 for the holiday* this year”

Me: “But don’t worry, I’ll be earning much better afterwards, so I’ll try to bung it back to you in one year when I have a job that uses this qualification and pays well**”

Her: “You got pissed about a year ago and sent me an email telling me I wasn’t going to get it. Last week I gave up, shredded all the bank statements and wrote it off in my mind.”***
.

Me:”REALY?!? So this phonecall just cost me 5K?”

etc etc etc

*9 month NZ/Oz/Bali/Lombok cycling holiday – she had the money, wanted to pay for it up front. Amazingly, after the later breakup the terms for repayment mysteriously got confused and discussions became heated.

**The original terms of the loan for the trip – repaid after Uni.

***Not exactly true, she already has about back 5K from me, which is part of the reason I have been broke for the last few years. This was achieved by giving away my entire student loan and savings while doing my BSc. The only reason I sent her a rude email is because she was pestering me for more money, despite changing her plans twice in a year regarding places to live and university courses which she then dropped out of. And I pad for. With my student loan.

I forgot I had sent the email…. it was VERY unlike me, but I was furious!

It’s all cool, now. I just wish I’d not called her to give her an update.

Bumped in to a girl from next door but one at the gym.

“Hi! What are you doing here?”

Also – more in the spirit of the original question:

At graduation, we have to cross the stage and collect our certificate from the Dean.

However, I won a prize for my work, and the flow of the ceremony was interrupted. I got suddenly nervous.

I Planned to say “I couldn’t have done it without the university’s help”

ME – to Dean of university, in small squeaky cracking voice
“Help. Me.”

*walks off stage ASAP*

And less humorous:
While working in JJB Sports, many moons ago.

On lawn bowls section.
See guy looking at bowling gear.
Has bandage around wrist/arm.
Me: “Is that a bowls related injury? Hehe”
Him: [opens jacket to show bag of stuff hanging and leading to IV in arm]
Him: “No, it’s cancer”

While hitchhiking, a few weeks later [?!?WTF]

Car stops. I get in. Smalltalk.

Him: “I’m just coming back from the doctor”
Me: “Oh right, just a cold eh?” [he looked fine]
Him: “No, it’s cancer”
*silence….*
ME: “Errh, here’ll be fine!”

Ordering a starter at the local Indian resteraunt I ask “do you use white fish in your fish pakora?”
Table goes silent, waiter stares hard and oblivious to both I say “you know, like cod or haddock”

I don’t understand this one 😐

“Yes luv, you go on your works Christmas do, I’ll pick you up from the station from the 9:10 train”

At 10.15 Mrs Coolhandluke arrived, after missing three trains! And having done shots of tequila, (doesn’t drink much at all really) arrived off the train covered in sick, in someone else’s coat, picked up by mistake, with keys in the pocket.

Classy lass eh!

I did laugh out loud this morning however after I saw her and realised how many bike trips I’ll be allowed to go on next year…

Ooh, I’ve got loads.

Whilst working at the leisure centre I’d been for a swim after my shift and getting changed at the same time as me was a guy with 8 piercings in his knob. Quite reasonably then went and told the 2 gossipy receptionists and we had a good laugh about it. He came out of the changing rooms and left with his wife who had been sat in reception all along.

While helping my dad get some new software bedded in at his practice I was sat on reception when an an old lady walked in. I could see that the next patients due were a couple with consecutive appointments. Hello say I, is your husband parking the car? No, she replied, he died last week.

Ooh, I’ve got loads.

Whilst working at the leisure centre I’d been for a swim after my shift and getting changed at the same time as me was a guy with 8 piercings in his knob. Quite reasonably then went and told the 2 gossipy receptionists and we had a good laugh about it. He came out of the changing rooms and left with his wife who had been sat in reception all along.
How long were you looking ? 😯

I worked at a sailing centre with a stunningly good looking girl with an amazing well endowed figure. One day she walked into the staff room wearing a new wetsuit. In front of all my colleagues what I meant to say was “Nice wetsuit – lovely colour” – what came out of my mouth was “Nice wetsuit – awesome shape”. The piss taking was merciless… until that evening when I had the last laugh! Turns out stunningly good looking girls don’t get that many compliments because blokes are too intimidated – good life lesson that.

Patient laid in bed, complaining of non specific, not too serious symptoms. Standard Ambo question “how are you on your legs?” Pt pulls back covers, reveals double amputations below the knee. In fairness, he thought it was great!

I called across the office to a colleague: “Hey, Rachel, do you want the last doughnut?”. At least, that’s what I meant to say. I got as far as “Hey, Doughnut, do you …” and the whole room fell about laughing.

Working in a bike shop, a lady comes in asking about baby seats, she was looking slightly pregnant, so explained the recommended age was something like 6 months, so just to wait to use it till the little bump was a bit older, to which I was told I’m not pregnant, just a little fat, it’s a present for my sister. Wished the floor would have swallowed me up, but it didn’t and she did actually buy the seat.

In the our building suppliers the other day.
After buying i went to say,lovely,thank you.
Came out as ….Love you.
His reply was aarrr i love you too in a really soft voice.Twas funny.. 😆

How long were you looking ?

Couple of inches.

so just to wait to use it till the little bump was a bit older, to which I was told I’m not pregnant, just a little fat,

Did one of those too working on a reusable nappy scheme promotion. Fortunately she didn’t clock it because they were trying at the time.

When you are ridiculously tired and also totally wired on caffeine and start babbling.. This was my morning bumping into several friends I haven’t seen in a while out shopping. Your brain is in no way responsible for the vague incomprehensible fastly spoken pigeon English as they stand there looking a bit bemused. I blame the kids.

Years back working in a DIY shop, I’m kneeling down fixing something at floor level when I see a pair of Caterpillar boots and chunky jeans arrive. “Can I help Sir?” says I, only to look up and see the living embodiment of Millie Tant.

Years before that I was trying to describe something in a pub in Dublin, and a diagram was called for. Needing a pen, for some reason I asked the barman (in my English accent) “could I trouble you for a pen?” Seems the T word was a bit inflammatory.

And on a motorbike tour of Eire the B&B owner mentioned a nearby village where they “filmed that program”. “Father Ted?” says I. **** me I thought as he started smashing the crockery with his fist on the breakfast table yelling “Father Ted was NOT filmed in Ireland”.

“I’m going to the loo, does anybody want anything fetching?”

Surprisingly, nobody did.

Visiting a stately home with friends…
Andy, “I’ve been here before, we went in the maze.”
Vince “Did you get out?”