Viewing 27 posts - 1 through 27 (of 27 total)
  • Dadsnetworld – post baby blues and then some…
  • starfangledspangle
    Free Member

    Hi STW,

    Just wondering if anyone has any experience of possible mental health problems following childbirth or if there are any dads out there that can tell me “this is normal – don’t worry and give it more time?”

    I’m stuck in what feels like a near constant daily cycle of being on the receiving end of very difficult behaviours from my wife and I genuinely don’t know what to do or how to handle it for the best.

    There’s way too much to write in one post so a summarised version is as follows:

    1. My wife saw a psychiatrist for nearly a year (paid for by work) following 2 miscarriages and going a bit crazy at her GP. Although the miscarriages brought things to a head the underlying issues had been a very longstanding pattern of panicking / worrying / complaining and negativity about pretty much everything. There’s no scope for going back to the psychiatrist because it’s £400 a pop and her work health insurance won’t pay for it while she’s on Maternity leave even if we could get a referral from the GP.
    2. Since our baby was born my wife has become extremely difficult to live with. I completely get that caring for a baby is very hard work and she feels tired – so I’m consistently doing my bit (baths, settling at night, keeping the house going, walking our dogs, cooking meals etc etc) but we’re stuck in a downward cycle that is now making me feel emotionally exhausted dealing with it – to the point that as I’m typing this I can feel my heartbeat has raised.
    3. When I say difficult to live with – the things that happen / can be observed include:

    – Everything I do is “wrong”, even when people professionally qualified to give a view have said I’m doing the right thing and tell her the same
    – She complains about me / criticises me to others all the time (including friends and my family) and in a way that’s extremely hurtful; telling people I’m not like the other dads / other dads do more / I haven’t bonded with our child / I don’t love him the right way etc. It’s heartbreaking…
    – She has pretty much gone on strike and is leaving me to do a very good portion of childcare on top of everything to do with the house / walking 2 dogs 2 to 3 times a day and contending with a mental job in which I’m regularly squeezing 12 hours work into 8 so I can get home and do my share of helping out.
    – She’s massively unreasonable and volatile and prone to shouting and swearing at me without any real cause for doing so – and that includes literally before I’m even out of the bed in the morning right through to when I go to bed at night. She also loses control of her emotions to the point where I can’t even avoid an argument by leaving the room or refusing to discuss it if I’m holding our child – this just results in me being followed and her forcing her way into the room or in one case screaming at me for being a coward for being unwilling to argue and then throwing a box of eggs at me even though I was holding the baby.
    – She has no trust in me and constantly demands that I “promise” I’ve done things e.g. check on the child every half hour when she’s been out. When I’m left to my own devices I can look after the baby for the whole day with no problems at all – to the point that when we had a sleep consultant in my wife was told that I was doing everything correctly vs what my wife was expecting which was that I would need to be “trained” in how to be a father.
    – Our finances are descending into complete chaos. She’s spending money we haven’t got and now uses our joint account as a personal spending account that I’m constantly having to top up because many of the bills / mortgage are in my name so I don’t want a missed payment on my credit record. She’s also complaining that I’m not giving her an allowance even though I now pay ¾ of all the bills and have just paid the entire cost of our next holiday on top of that. Her salary is higher than mine.
    – Constantly believing she or our child are ill / need medical treatment and going mental when I try to talk it through to avoid yet another trip to the hospital or doctor

    Her parents to the extent they can have told her she’s being irrational – and her dad has also said she needs to stop worrying / panicking because it’s getting too much. What her dad says he’s seen is Person says “A”, she hears the complete opposite / “B” and then she moves so quickly into “attack mode” the other person doesn’t even get the chance to say she’s misunderstood what they said.

    I’ve tried to get her to talk it through with her doctor but the doctor just said “wait and see” and “maybe” she has post natal depression. My doctor can only empathise and we don’t even have a named health visitor to talk to because there’s no contact between the GPs and nurses.

    I’m now noticing a change in my own behaviour – I’ve never been prone to shouting / swearing and wanted to avoid ever doing this in front of our child but now find myself doing it after being on the receiving end of yet another tantrum /mood / strop / outburst / being slagged off. I’ve also started having nightmares about the constant verbal abuse to the point I woke up and found myself wetting the bed 2 weeks ago in the middle of a particularly vivid nightmare. That’s probably a “first” as far as admissions go on STW!

    What on earth do I do?

    I’m trying to help myself by eating properly and have also got out on the bike for a couple of (very) late night bike rides as that’s the only time available. We don’t have any family nearby to help and I can see it’s getting worse and worse but just don’t know what to do… to the point I’m almost wondering if moving out of our home might help as I know I can’t be on the receiving end of this for much longer without losing control myself and saying something I’ll really regret.

    tjagain
    Full Member

    Tricky. Post natal depression sounds likely or even psychotic illness but it takes two to argue

    You should have a health visitor – get on to your GP for this.

    Tell her how you feel when there is no argument going on. Can the grandparents take the baby for a bit?

    counselling for both of you?

    weeksy
    Full Member

    Wow… i don’t have any answers, but you do have my sympathy.

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    cinnamon_girl
    Full Member

    Gosh, that sounds miserable for both of you. Was the psychiatrist helpful and able to offer advice? At the very least comprehensive blood testing should be done, how is her nutrition?

    Do hope that she gets the help she obviously desperately needs.

    Ben_H
    Full Member

    How would she describe things, including your role in all of it? How were things prior to the baby arriving?

    Sending good vibes.

    grizedaleforest
    Full Member

    To answer the question “if there are any dads out there that can tell me “this is normal – don’t worry and give it more time?”; I think you know it isn’t normal. It sounds awful. I’d have said your first step is to get some support – as suggested health visitor, or GP, or friends. Depending on where you live there may will be parent support groups. Really hope it improves for all of you.

    ransos
    Free Member

    I’m so sorry, OP: it sounds absolutely terrible. As grizedale says, no this absolutely isn’t normal. It does sound like you need to get some support urgently, and I suggest that accruing some debt to pay for it should not be a barrier.

    tuskaloosa
    Free Member

    Sorry to hear OP.

    Not trained or no real experience of it. My wife and I were mindful of postpartum depression creeping up on us. Have you tried support groups wrt PPD?

    Just found this on line not sure how helpful this might be. PANDA

    cinnamon_girl
    Full Member

    Just to add – don’t underestimate that when a baby arrives one can become totally overwhelmed with the responsibility as well as feeling utterly useless. Self esteem and confidence can take a big knock.

    tomd
    Free Member

    Man alive that sounds dreadful, I can’t really understand how you’re coping. This sounds shocking and not at all normal:

    “- She complains about me / criticises me to others all the time (including friends and my family) and in a way that’s extremely hurtful; telling people I’m not like the other dads / other dads do more / I haven’t bonded with our child / I don’t love him the right way etc. It’s heartbreaking…”

    Me and the wife had the odd cross word with each other when the baby was small just out of exhaustion but within a few hours we’d have a laugh at ourselves. Even then I think we took ourselves a bit too seriously and worried too much

    It sounds like your doing everything you can (and then some). Make sure you stand up for yourself, you’re being abused here.

    cinnamon_girl
    Full Member

    Make sure you stand up for yourself, you’re being abused here.

    tomd – that’s an over the top comment. His poor wife clearly isn’t well.

    Ro5ey
    Free Member

    Firstly a lot of what you are saying will be familiar to many… you aren’t alone

    I’ve defo been there and others will have to varying degrees…. and maybe they can be more helpful on finding “free” help.

    My advice would be get the help you need no matter the cost!! This could be the most important thing you’ve EVER spent money on.

    Maybe the distant family might help with the financial side of some private health care ? …. £400 / £800 maybe isnt that much money to spend on something so very important ? …. (how much would it cost to move out?)

    I hope that doesnt sound like a criticism… I know that’s the last thing you need.

    Listen …. the fact that you have come on here, in the fashion you have, means to me and many others …. That you are a proper Dad looking after his family…. and as such I know you’ll get through this tough time.

    Good luck

    theotherjonv
    Full Member

    How old is the baby / how long has this been going on?

    Was this behaviour ‘normal’ before the baby?

    Is she caring well for the baby? If that is a risk then you need to take IMMEDIATE action.

    I think you have to broach it with her. Particularly if it’s descending into violence and tantrums. Tough i know but try to avoid confrontation, try using ‘I feel….’ statements rather than direct criticism.

    daftvader
    Free Member

    sounds shit… my advice would be to speak with the health visitor. preferably without your other half there, as they are there for the whole family not just the mums. then get the health visitor round to talk with you both….

    johni
    Free Member

    As others say, you aren’t alone. Other than the bed wetting, I could have written most of that. 🙁 I don’t have an answer but hopefully you can find a way through.

    thestabiliser
    Free Member

    She needs help, get the professionals in, speak to her family too if they’re about/able to help edit:- just read that bit, surely they’d make the effort though in a case of extremis?

    re: you shouting etc, you’re under the cosh from all angles and just knowing it’s not her fault doesn’t make it much easier to deal with. Use whatever vent you can, bikes/screaming at the moon etc.

    Daffy
    Full Member

    My first year after DaffyJnr was like a slightly watered-down version of what you’re going through, so I empathize with your situation.

    Our little one was born premature and had problems during his first 4-6 weeks…my wife never really got past it. She was constantly (and to a lesser degree still is) anxious about him. Daffyjnr was a difficult bairn, never sleeping for more than an hour or 2 throughout his first year, and always wide awake for hours after sleeping for, so little an amount of time. the cumulative effects on her mental health were apparent…I’m also more logical than warm (think Spock, but without the passion) tending to approach problems with a goal to fixing them, which (in my mind, I was trying to help) was not really what she wanted. She wanted help, but delivered in her way, regardless of whether it made sense or not…my wife was by this point both anxious and VERY tired, so the irrationality was forgivable.

    I still get grief over the first year, but memories are what you make of them and each persons are different.

    Keep doing what you’re doing, but try, so long as it doesn’t harm your child, to do something your wife’s way…if it doesn’t work, at least you’ll be able (in as nice a way as possible) to say, “we did try it this way…it didn’t work, remember?”

    It sounds like your wife needs some professional help, a GP would be the first port of call, but if she has a history of mental illness, I believe she can self refer, you certainly can in some areas of the country. My wife did this. It made her recognize the symptoms when they started to appear and take stems to resolve them.

    davosaurusrex
    Full Member

    Jesus, that sounds **** awful for both of you. As others have said your wife clearly isn’t well but I can’t see how you can sustain that for any length of time.

    NZCol
    Full Member

    what you described in your first sentence is only mirrored through the rest of it. She needs some help. Your responses are perfectly natural, in the face of a stressful situation (a baby), lack of sleep and stress its quite normal to lose the plot a bit.
    One question, do you worry about the safety of your child ? That’s the tipping point. You need to ask everyone involved (family etc) to help you through this period because it won’t miracle itself right.
    Well done for posting, quite right to ask. I think anyone that’s had kids has had a bit of this to some degree.

    Cletus
    Free Member

    I feel very sorry for you OP. I remember my daughter first few weeks as a very happy time although obviously tiring. I would try to get your wife to join some ‘bumps and babes’ groups where she can talk and get support from other mums. The topic of partners will be discussed a lot and she might start to realise that you are more supportive than most dads.

    cranberry
    Free Member

    Is this behaviour entirely new, or is it an escalation of behaviours seen before the birth ( undermining you, tantrums, violence ) ?

    ctk
    Free Member

    Its not normal and you need help. Health Visitor should be visiting but if not just get yourself to the Dr and say she needs help.

    My other half lost it a bit (paranoia) after the birth of our first but she was getting VERY little sleep and it only lasted a couple of weeks.

    FunkyDunc
    Free Member

    OP – The one thing that I don’t see in your post, is where you say that you have both sat down and talked about it? Have you?

    And by talking out don’t mean at the point of a reaction to a fuse point.

    New kids put a massive strain on marriages. The child takes so much time up that you do end up becoming second to each other, which can be very damaging. Tiredness causes insignificant things to get blown out of all proportion and you end up resenting the other half.

    Can you manage to get a night away without your baby or is he/she too young?

    Start by speaking to your wife.

    I cant comment on post natal depression as I am not aware of what the signs of it are, but I am sure you would be able to talk to the Health Visitor in private about it if needs be (not that all are great!)

    I would also be pushing the GP more, as your wife has a history of mental health issues. Were medical staff health visitors aware of that before birth, or is it unknown due to it not being on NHS medical records? Push them harder, there is a lot of stuff you are saying above that points to stress/depression.

    freeagent
    Free Member

    My wife had mild post natal depression after the birth of our first child, and noticeably worse Post-natal depression after our second came along.

    The birth of our second was very traumatic with both ending up in different ICU units – she didn’t meet our daughter for 3 days.

    She really struggled to bond, and ended up in a dark place mentally. She had some counselling sessions which helped a lot.
    FFWD 6 years and all is great – they have an awesome relationship.

    I also suffered with depression after our second daughter was born – it was like I blamed her for nearly killing my wife (sounds mental now) I struggled through it, but really wish I’d got some professional help at the time.

    Sounds like your Mrs needs some intervention – Post natal depression is common, treatable and needs to get sorted.

    Babies are seriously hard work for the first few months – you give so much and get very little back.

    I really do understand what you’re going through – the first few months of our youngest daughters life should have been wonderful – instead they were hell.

    cloudnine
    Free Member

    Postpartum depression / psychosis??
    More common than you think.. sounds a lot like she’s the one that really needs the help.

    LAT
    Full Member

    I have a 9 week old baby and made some assumptions about what your post would be about. Nothing you describe is happening to us.

    If your health visitors have a drop in clinic, go and see them and tell them the situation. Then make an emergency appointment with your GP to find out what can be done and what you can do.

    the fact that you are worried and seeking advice says to me that you are a good father and husband, but you need support. Friends, family and professional.

    good luck

    vickypea
    Free Member

    I had fairly severe post-natal depression after having both of my kids, but the situation you’re describing sounds more like psychosis, as it does sound like your wife has lost touch with reality, at least to some extent. A woman’s hormones can be an utter nightmare after having a baby.
    When I had post-natal depression, I was so tired that I literally wanted to die. I recognised there was a problem and saw the GP, who kept a close eye on me.
    OP- your situation sounds far from normal and the NHS should be able to provide help. You might have to shout louder for it than you have been doing.
    All the best

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