At the height of the Festina affair in the 1998 TDF I was passing a local pub on my road bike when a lad sat out the front shouted "got any drugs mate"
I just burst out laughing and he gave me the thumbs up, not threatening or insulting but made think at least he was paying attention when the news was on.

Another episode where humour played down the situation was when a bloke did a U turn in front of me straight out of a parking slot, I was just about to launch into him after his "sorry I didn't see you" when his wife piped up "bloody hell Stan you need your eyes tested he's dressed like an explosion in a paint factory"
I think I said something like "Thanks love" but didn't know whether to be grateful or insulted (this was at the height of Fluro Euro roadie kit)

I find overtaking at the next set of traffic lights satisfaction enough for most incidents. "Gobbing" on the worse offenders displays my distaste appropriately, but mostly i just get on with my day safe in the knowledge that there is far more than "one born every day".

jakester, i do the same thing! open the doors, fold the mirrors and ride slowly just infront of his grill. I'm an angry b@5tard on a bike…

I'm regretting the fact my commute is 99% cyclepath.

Top thread.

Got overtook by a bus who then forced me into the barriers, proceedeed to followed the ****t for the next 2 miles, every time he stopped- lights/bus stops would stop the engine with the emergency engine stop button, open the doors with the external button!
When it got to my turn off, did the above and pulled the windscreen wipers off the screen so they where sticking straight out as he went off down the road (when he got his engine going again) 😆

I've managed to smash a couple of door mirrors the wrong way on cars overlapping the cycle lane alongside the main road I have to ride along. As I usually wear gloves with carbon knuckle protection this is a painless retaliation. Once out riding on a fairly narrow country road a bunch of Saxo driving **** had to stop behind a tractor. As I rode past on the inside, the knob in the passenger seat lobbed a can of Coke out the window, barely missing me. I stopped, picked it up and rode after the slow moving convoy, where I lobbed it back into the lap of the passenger, saying, 'I think you dropped this'. It was half-full. I legged it and turned off before the soaked idiot could catch me. Childish satisfaction from seeing his light coloured trousers soaked in the crotch with Coke. 😆

I got called gay by a guy in a pink shirt driving an audi TT, purple….
I know I can't make a judgement on a person's sexuality based on such shallow information, but come on!

DrP

I am rarely provoked however my top 3 lines of attack are:

1) The folding the mirror back one – but Ive never thought to yell back that they dont use 'em 🙂

2) Anything random based on the offender being a fat ****

3) "Big mac and fries please" to soap dodging students and teenage boys

DrP maybe he was trying to hit on you.

I got a load of verbal from some fat salad dodger the other day because she didn't like the fact I I'd not long before passed her by filtering between two lanes of stationary cars. I catch her up again and just squirt about a third of a water bottle over her windscreen. I nearly fell off my bike laughing when she caught me up as she had her passanger window down and was desperatly trying to fling the contents of a bottle of water at me. I don't think any of it got out of the car, it just all went over her seat. All i could think to say was "I'm surprised it's not diet coke".

I overtook (by filtering) a number of cars at some traffic lights. The guy right behind me revved the engine of his beemer 330 and went around me without waiting for the green light. He then stopped down the road, jumped out and ran towards you shouting Who the f… gave you the right to do it?!

i would of rode straight into him hairy chested!!!

Directed at me 😳 when I rather made a mess of parking a car many years ago –
" Got a driving license?"
"Yes"
" pass a test or from the back of a cornflake packet?"

Amused me.

I have shouted " hope yer next craps a pineapple" at errant motorists or simply "thrombus"

Everytime we go out on the tandem someone will say "shes not peddalling on the back" every **** time. it wasn't funny once – it certainly aint now

No need for that, my tyres could've got dirty 😉

I have been known to take business cards for the driving school i used to work for out with me on the bike and hand them to the stupid people. They dont like that at all. 🙂

Used to be a bit shouty back in the day, but having been a messanger for 4 years now, i don't get vexxed (i would die from anger) but…if someone really bugs me then i get ahead of them(if poss) then use the road in a manner which renders me unpassable..have done it for nearly 2 mins before now with the driver of said car blatantly stuck behind me and mad….then get to a red light, jump it leaving driver even more stuck and off you go…very childish but highly satisfying. No words exchanged.

Riding through the beautiful village of Ballingry, one of the local yoofs shouted out I'm your biggest fan[/i] – what can you say to that?

Ha, some amusing insults on here… To be honest, i just ignore it most of the time, or if not, i cant catch the car up. One time though, i got cut up by a white pick up, to which i shouted something after them,( cant remember what…) the driver then slowed down, and said what did you call me? Once again cant remember xactly what i shouted back, but rode past. next thing i know, he's cut me up, forced me to stop and jumped out with a crowbar in his hand. I've never pedalled as quickly.

I head of someone once pouring their water over a driver in a convertible… And another one about some guy reaching in, turning off the engine and chucking the keys into a field….

Not so much an insult. Some lads pased me in a car and all screamed out the window at me scaring me shitless. I caught them in traffic further down the road and crept up on them and screamed through the open passenger window at them as loud as I could. They absolutely crapped themselves.

"Scary, isn't it?", I suggested.

Their wide eyed look coupled with their soiled underpants would indiciate they agreed with me.

The closest I've come to wit in such a situation was when another pedestrian stepped into the road without looking. I slammed the brakes on, she went all rabbit in the headlights and froze, I managed to stop just in front of her, all 'WTF eyes' then very calmly said 'nice one', and cycled onwards. She looked like she was expecting a string of expletive-laden invective before I opened my mouth, so I thought there would be no point in actually delivering it.

Long may this thread live. Pure entertainment.

I got heavily beeped by a bearded bloke when I was coming off a roundabout after quite a lengthy and strenuous road ride. I had no idea what I was supposed to have done, except that I usually take an assertive position on the road. As he passed I shook my head and muttered something, noticing that he had a rather attractive young lady in the passenger seat. He then stopped the car ahead of me and shouted through his window as I passed him "Did you swear at my daughter?"

I stopped, looked her up and down and said "She doesn't look like a fat bearded tw^t. Actually she's rather do-able." Her reaction showed that she appreciated the remark and I rode off chuckling.

It still brings a smile to my face weeks later.

duntmatter, I get that regularly at the end of my ride into work. I just say "death by ipod?" as it's normally the reason they're miles away.

Riding to work one day a builder stepped off the pavement without looking. I managed to stop and shouted "Boo!" at the top of my voice.

He jumped a good foot in the air, as did the coffee he was carrying. And his mates wet themselves laughing at him!

Catching the pedestrian zombies by suprise never fails to amuse me.

Banned from wearing lycra in the office where I used to work because:

My Boss:
"The old lady complained they could see your bits too much but the others don't mind" 8)

When out of shape last year a pal said "Hey you have moobs" 👿 (6 months of dieting later… 8)

well I was pedaling back home once on a road with island in the middle. Was on e the right hand side of the road (kerb side here) but space wasn't enough for a ****t in a 4×4 who give me some very agressive beeping. I lost it and shown him my longer finger (means **** you over here). Next thig the guy tried to force me out of the road twice, succed on the third when he gets out of the car (feeling very confident that he was 15 cm taller and 25 kg of fat heavier) I start shouting at hil that he almost killed me when he slap me on the head (on the helmet). Now I am usually very calm and mannered. But I kind of lost it. When someone from the café went out to separate us, his nose, eybrow and lips was bleeding. Told him that if that happened again I wouldn't eb so nice. Guys overtook me loment later being all apologiesitic (spelling?).
Now I think that was very stupid. What if he had a gun or a knife :s.

This wasn't commuting, or on a pushbike for that matter, but it was still ****ing brilliant… Last year I was on a big motorbike rideout, and one of the leaders got cut up by a van, and gave him some verbal then took off. Shortly after she stopped to mark a junction, and the van driver sees her, jumps off, and starts screaming at her… Then turns around and sees the rest of the rideout coming to the rescue, all hundred and ten of us it was perfect… And every one of us got to have a go as we rode off. He was pretty lucky I think just to get verballed to death.

I'm pretty calm personally, have had cans thrown at me, general verbal, the one that really disgusted me was when the passenger in a clapped out Cavalier tried to gob on me as they came past.

But one thing I'd really love to do would be to ride up to someone on the phone in their car, open the door, take the phone off them, then calmly announce to the other person on the line that the driver can't talk as they're driving. And then throw the phone as far as i possibly could. Or even just place it gently on the pavement so they have to get out and go and get it.

Everytime we go out on the tandem someone will say "shes not peddalling on the back" every **** time. it wasn't funny once – it certainly aint now

The response I always use to that: "she must be, because I'm not" – no idea whether they get it, but at least I find it amusing.

The best one I've managed to somebody who cut me up: touring on the tandem in France, and got a car passing with far too little space – obvious that the reason for not getting the usual consideration over there was due to the GB plates. Caught up with them a fair way later in the traffic jam entering the next tourist town – knocked on the window "you know sometimes I'm ashamed to be British". Driver was cringing in his seat (was speaking over his wife in the passenger seat), and I suspect unlike most of those on this thread the point was made.