Given or received – you know, the ones where it just came to you at the right moment and you rode off chortling in an entirely childish fashion.

This morning a bakery van pulled off sharply from being parked without indicating, just as I was passing him and about to pull in. I issued my customary non-offensive-but-aggrieved hand wave gesture signalling "WTF was that?" and rode on. He passed me after a bit and shouted "orange ****" out of the window (my jacket is orange, and this is Glasgow so his comment was potentially more insulting than you might otherwise think). I responded with "shut up, roll-boy!" and got one of those golden I-don't-know-what-to-say-to-that looks back from him. Amused me all the way into town. Ahhh, roll-boy. Gotta remember that one.

Let's have some belters, come on.

Fat c*nt!

(I'm not very witty on my bike)

a chap was pushing one of those wheeled cages full of milk bottles from his truck to the supermarket. he walked straight out in front of me, only just stopping when he saw me, causing me to swerve round him and all the milk to fall out of the trolley. i glared and shouted, as i whizzed past, "don't cry mate!" 😆

Usually I give nothing but a *sarcastic* slow shake of my head.

But once I followed someone into a carpark and tw*tted him in the face. Does that count?

(I am 5'7'', slim build and really should have known better but fortunately for me he didn't retaliate as he was a big ufcker and in the van with his equally large son)

EDIT: And in my defence he had just literally forced me off the road because I was, in his words, 'in his way'.

Less an insult, but I've been amused by it none the less.

Folding in the passenger side mirror, saying through the window "Well, you obviously don't use it."

Folding in the passenger side mirror, saying through the window "Well, you obviously don't use it."

😆 I really like that one

My (blonde, white, feminine) wife once had a brilliantly random insult directed at her as she rode her bike through Edinburgh.

Bloke staggers out the pub and shouts at her:

"Who do you think you are? Linford f**kin Christie?"

Genius.

Not an insult, but:

Annoyed Motorist: "Oi! Do you always walk out in front of cars?!"

Smug PhilO: "Only in pedestrian areas."

to a gril who drive like a lunatic moron…
You know if you keep driving like that you'll grow a cock.

I once called a man "sweetheart" and blew him a kiss after he gave me a load of verbal abuse. Not witty but it ended his rant immediately.

I can claim no credit whatsoever for this, but it is one of the finest one-liners I have ever heard being delivered in any context.

I roll up to a red light and there's an arguement between a taxi driver and a messenger about use of Advance Stop Lines. Messenger says to taxi man;

"If you ever see a box with a picture of a fat c*nt in it, you can stop your taxi in that".

Still makes me chuckle about 2 years later.

I always get the classic and very well thought up:-

"get a car"

to which i reply:-

"lay off the biscuits"

Stu_N

That's great!

Few years ago in my old little pugeot that I was driving, bold head tattooed man cuts me up in Old Range Rover, give him horn and finger, he stops at light both lower windows and have a bit of verbal, across his quite fit gf.

I change tack and chat her up, next three sets of light as well, gets him livid, do not think girl liked him as she kept talking and burst out laughing when I called him a fat Cu*t.

I once called a man "sweetheart" and blew him a kiss after he gave me a load of verbal abuse. Not witty but it ended his rant immediately.

I'm actually in an ongoing dispute with a DHL driver and this has been my tactic, waveing, winking and calling him sweetheart, It's really starting to pish him off every morning.

A young lad who used to work with me started getting into cycling but couldn't afford a lot of the kit and during one winter his mum had knitted him a balaclava for the cold nights.
I was behind him when he wore it for the first time going through Wrexham town centre, The amount of abuse he got was amazing from various cars "Suicide Biker", "Osama" "Taliban" being shouted everywhere. He never wore it again.

a group of young ladies in a car passed me and shouted "go the white dude!"

wasn't really sure what to make of that but i took it as supportive.

When i caught them up at the next set of lights and leant on the roof with one hand and asked what was that in a non-threatening manner they werent quite so talkative and were shrinking with embarrassment.

Lady and daughter drive past me in a nice new car on a tight bend that close I could see what book her daughter was reading!

At the lights I cycled up to the open passenger window and listened to the abuse coming from the driver, the usual stuff about bikes should not be on the road, not paying tax, etc.

I said in a calm and quiet voice to the daughter "do the world a favour and don't grow up like your mum"

Mum went mental!

😉

(not mine but I've used it)

'Your wheels are going round mate!'

'So's your mother!'

Sort out of relevant to this thread is the following from a bike shop owner:

One of my regular customers recounted this, the other day; he’s in his 80’s silver grey hair, cycles all over the world.

Anyway the other week he was cycling up by Achnasheen,(single track roads with passing places), when a car passes him, and the driver offers words of encouragement: "Going well young man" etc

Some time later, he can hear another car behind him, this time the horn is sounded. Then, It’s sounded again, a little louder. So he twists round, and gives them two fingers. The horn goes again, So, he sticks two fingers up again.

By now he’s now shouting. "I can’t make myself F*&!#ng Invisible !"

So he pulls over and the driver gets out the car.

It was the same guy, who had given him the encouragement. He had returned with a lunch pack he’d just made up, including cold drink wrapped in an ice pack, freshly made sandwiches etc.

A fat woman cut me up on a roundabout but then had to stop as her exit was blocked so I stoped took both hands off the bars and did a mime of "holding a knife and fork and stuffing my **** face with food".
The woman walking her kids to school that saw me do it was bent double laughing and was quite embarrased to laugh about it in fornt of her kids 😆
I've also donned comedy glasses using my fingers to speccy te@ts that have done similar.

Yes I'm a childish ****.

Never really get time to hurl insults. I usually just get to question their observation before they drive off. I have, while driving, been asked/told I must have a really small penis due to my choice of car, which I thought was particularly odd seeing as I was driving carfully in the inside lane and had come up behind a moron in a rotten, barely roadworthy eurobox stopped for no apparent reason in the outside lane. I just smiled and drove off. The guy was fuming behind me in the next queue.

not a commuting incident but a fat bloke wearing an aquafresh coloured stripey shirt who wanted a go on my bike down the pub. When I said 'no' he decided he wanted a fight, got all aggressive and shouted some abuse and threats at me. when he stopped for a second I burst out laughing and just blurted out 'what the **** are you? a tube of toothpaste?!'

I was drunk and it was a risky tactic but everyone just laughed, probably at my ridiculous insult, but he wound his neck in!

Cycling thro' the middle of Melbourne a year or so ago on my way to work when a minibus passed me and the front-seat passenger leant out and roared at me (aimed at being amusing to his fellow passengers). A little later on the minibus had stopped at some lights up ahead. I 'crept' upon my bike and roared back at him. He jumped out of his skin (short memeory or what). Thankfuly he and his fellow passengers pissed themselves laughing and when they finally passed me after the lights they gave me a big 'thimbs up'. Brightened my day up

i got "who do you think you are- streethawk?" by some guy having a fag outside a pub in the rougher end of chelsea
as i hopped off a kerb and pedalded my ass off with my leds beaming away

the thing is i dont think the younger lady he was trying to impress hada clue who streethak was i on the other hand was loving it

By now he’s now shouting. "I can’t make myself F*&!#ng Invisible !"

So he pulls over and the driver gets out the car.

It was the same guy, who had given him the encouragement. He had returned with a lunch pack he’d just made up, including cold drink wrapped in an ice pack, freshly made sandwiches etc.

lol

in scotland last month a camper van gave us a friendly beep as it went past on a very rainy A road, a slightly miserable mrsMW gave it a two fingered salute after jumping to the conclusion it was being aggressive.

It was my parents 😆

I should say that they didn't notice so i made a point of pointing it out as they gave us a cup of teas and some mum baked cake in the next layby

Not verbals, but in the past when I was being hassled by some twunt in his car, I cycled round and opened the rear left-side passenger door.

Being belted in, he couldn't reach round to shut it, so had to get out of his car, walk around, shut it, and walk back to the driver's side, all the accompaniment of derisive hoots from the other motorists stuck behind him.

Or just ride away

http://news.ca.msn.com/top-stories/cbc-article.aspx?cp-documentid=21443250

jakester

use that one all the time, that and folding in mirrors or opening the boot

After coming very close to being wiped out by a bus I eventually caught up with it at the next stop, pulled up a under the tw*ts window and suggested that if he wanted to get a bit closer to me next time I could take my pants off.

I once was filtering between 2 rows of gridlock cars when a mars bar wrapper came out the window of one, I stopped and chucked it back in saying you dropped that mate, made me chucklefor weeks.

Yesterday, by a white van in glasgow:

"Go Lance! Go!"
"The F**KING yellow jersey is in your sight"
"Common Lance!"
"Go Lance! Go!"

I was riding with a bunch of kids cycle training them in Chiswick High Road. As we stopped for pedestrians crossing the road a car tried to cut into the group. I blocked it only to receive a long and colourful description of my manhood, brain etc from the car driver. As soon as she stopped to take a breath, one of the girls said "Hello, mum!". Never since has the silence been so sweet.

I've used this one a few times in heated exchanges after a metal box dweller has considered getting somewhere quickly is more important than my life.

'Were you born a c*nt, or have you had to work really hard to be one?'

My fave is 'you can take your car and shove it up your bollocks mate' (I like the look of confusion and panic they get 🙂 )

said to some fat bastard in a range rover who gave me a load of grief:

"f*ck off back to burger king you salad dodging tw*t"

I was very nearly hit by a screeching BMW coming onto a big island in Dudley (Pegasus for the locals). I gesticulated as he sped off down the road, and saw his brake lights come on. I caught up, he got out like he was tenmen and said "you give cyclists a bad name".

I replied that he gave fat c*nts a bad name. Words were exchanged, he ended up on his bonnet.

I'm sensing a lot of anger in the room.

^ that BMW driver hadn't done a million miles. That's why he was so shit.

Nice work there Barry.

Some years ago when I was a thin roadie I'd pulled up at some traffic lights on the local high street , some chav(ette) in a saxo pulled up coming the other way and shouted,

'phwoar look at the package on that' at about 150 decibels,

I replied ,

' yes , and it still wouldn't fill your mouth'

cue red face 😳