I doff my cap to you sir.
Genius.
Chat Forum
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Cheeky sexual encounter
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Posted 2 years ago #
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muddyfox courier
We salute you.
Posted 2 years ago # -
Thanks to the internet I might have a story to tell after the weekend...
Posted 2 years ago # -
What on earth is he saying? Brilliant!
Posted 2 years ago # -
muddyfox courier......you are responsible for me blurting out a mouthful of cocopops....someone get that man a stage and a microphone
Posted 2 years ago # -
muddyfox courier- cant be her. The girl I was thinking of loved threesomes with a tremendous passion.
Posted 2 years ago # -
muddyfoxcourier = genius
Posted 2 years ago # -
Talking of threesomes .
True story . Last night .You know I said nothing shocks anybody anymore . Nothing .
Try your mum , who's 72 , telling you a dirty joke .A blokes in some pub , I cant do jokes , life is so much funnier . He ends up next to a lady in the twilight of her life . My mum tells it so much better .
Anyway . They get chatting and she's a bit of a minx , flirting with him and flashing a bit of leg .
She appears to be a bit over his usual age limit , but when she lets slip she's seventy odd , he's surprised . She doesnt look too bad after a few pints .
Unbelievably , the old bird asks him to walk him home and would he fancy a mother and daughter sandwich .
Well , he thinks if the mothers not too bad the daughter must be a stunner .
So they get back to her place , and she shouts up the stairs ...
" Mum ! Are you up "True story . Last night . I think she's been up late watching reruns of Dave Allen.
My mum doesnt like tattoos . But she has a tatoo joke .
This guy has a girlfriend , Wendy , who is pestering him to have her name tattoed on him . His mum doesnt like tattoos and says she wont approve ,so she suggest having it tattoed on his cock where his mum wont see it.
He can see the logic in this and agrees.
some time later he in the gents when a black gentleman pulls up alongside . You all know we dont look , but he catches a glimpse and his cock is also tattoed with the word ' Wendy ' .
He points down and says , " what a co-incidence . My girlfriends also called Wendy "
The black man says " No man , you got it wrong ", and stretches it out.
" Welcome to Barbados . Have a Nice day ."It's a version of the lllandudno / Ludo joke .
But like I said . Coming from a little old lady .doGs honest truth.
Posted 2 years ago # -
O.....K.....
Posted 2 years ago # -
on the way to work,got a lady to **** me off!! an,best 1 i was on my bike 1 summer,met a lady,went to a park an she wanted me 2 do her..but didnt have a rubber..so just took a BJ
Posted 2 years ago # -
heard the wendy tatto one before, but the sandwich one is new, nice one
Posted 2 years ago # -
Stumpy, you could have done her up the dunger?
No?
Posted 2 years ago # -
Dam just read this and realised I messed up.
I was driving with a lady friend ok! She got frisky with me...nobody else in the car!
LOL and doh!
Posted 2 years ago # -
I didnt say it was a new joke .
but you dont expect your mum to know it .
Sandwich may have been a literary embellishment.I still am not shocked by much though .
I've just nipped into Asda with my little girl . As we were walking in a teenage girl was walking out . She looked for all the world like a ' Bratz ' doll . If bratz do a hooker doll .Seriously . It's the beginning of the end .
Who was it that said at the fall of every major civilisation , the first thing to go is manners and decency .
Jubal Harshaw , I think .Didnt see anyone in Pyjamas though .
I am a stranger in a strange land.haha .
Odyssey 7OK .
Posted 2 years ago # -
I sound like me dad .
Posted 2 years ago # -
used to work for a marquee firm, lot of wedding jobs, lot of bridesmaids, sister of the bride, waitresses, catering staff and a florist
most interesting has to be either the girl from the veg producers group or the one from the christian camp - most memorable as done whilst the lads decided they would race the van round the field as we were getting busy in the back
and another that I really mustn't mention
Posted 2 years ago # -
Stumpy, you could have done her up the dunger?
And I thought tonights full moon was romantic..
Posted 2 years ago # -
Some great stories
Posted 2 years ago # -
a joke i was told by a friend
a girls first time
As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.
He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.
He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.
He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he's done this many times before.
His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.
After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.
You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.
Posted 2 years ago # -
heres my final joke
the pickled penis
There was this lady and she really wanted to have sex, but she was to scared to ask her husband so she went to a jipsy and told her her problem.
The jipsy rummaged around in a chest and pulled out a pickle jar with a penis in it, and said "All you have to do is open the jar and say 'Pickle penis my vigina' and it will start having sex with you".
So later she tries out the pickle penis and it works great. That is until her husband walks in and he shouts "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT" and the woman says "It's a pickled penis"
Unfortunately her husband replied "PICKLE PENIS MY ASS"
Posted 2 years ago # -
i know i said that the other joke was my last but this is bike related so i thought i had to....
why is sex like riding a bike?
1. You have to keep pumping if you want to get anywhere.
2. It's best to wear protective head-gear when going into unfamiliar territory.
3. You can do it with no hands, but it's best not to try it until you have a lot of experience.
4. It's easier to learn with the help of someone who has a lot of experience.
5. You can do it by yourself, but it's usually not as much fun.
6. It's usually hard to control your speed the first few times you try.
7. It's best to have a soft place to land.
8. You don't need any special clothing, but you can get some if you are really into it.
9. If you're with someone who is having trouble keeping up, it's usually best to slow down and wait for them.
10. Most people think it looks easy until they try it for the first time.
11. Once you learn, you never forget how.
12. If you fall off get right back on.
13. If you get a flat, try pumping it back up.
14. Remember to signal before you change direction.
15. Make sure that you've got a firm grip.
16. Sometimes it's nice to have a cushy seat.
17. Once you're over the top, you can just coast the rest of the way.
18. That's why some of them are called Mountin' Bikes.
Posted 2 years ago # -
still waiting for your first joke....
Posted 2 years ago # -
why the jokes ?
Posted 2 years ago # -
I once got drawn into a rather racy game of email truth or dare with a little brunette that worked for a client of mine. After she'd emailed naked pics, and dared me to make a vibrating rubber cast of my Old Fellow for her, I dared her to tell me her ultimate fantasy. She told me it was to come round to my studio, enter without saying a word, perform what the papers might call a sex act, and then leave, without saying a word.
I was about to leave on an overseas business trip, but thinking about this helped fill a few private moments in my hotel room, especially a she kept texting me telling me she was going to act out her fantasy on my return. I joked that to make it perfect, she could flick the kettle on on her way out!
So, the following week, I'm relaxing in the loft apartment on the top floor of my offices, dozing and recovering from my jetlag, when I'm roused from my slumber by the unmistakable feeling of my button fly being unbuttoned.
True to her word, she performed said act - with considerable aplomb, I might add - and having succeeded (pardon the pun), she stood up, turned on her heals and left. I dressed and descended the stairs just in time to hear the sound of the kettle clicking off and found a cup with a teabag in it ready to be poured.
What a girl!
Posted 2 years ago # -
Many years ago whilst hitch-hiking around the West Country, I found myself in Exeter looking for a B&B.
I was approached in the High Street by a lady who offered B&B at a cheaper rate than others in the area, so I took it.
When we got back to her place, she carried on with the decorating that she was in the middle of and we spent the evening chatting and drinking vodkas and tonic (me on an empty stomach)...
Anyway, as I was extremely smashed by 11pm, she showed me upstairs to the guest room and, being in a state of total pissedness, I made a grab for her as she guided me to the bed. It wasn't hard for her to extricate herself - I was totally sheets to the wind by then.
Just as she got herself disentangled, I leaned sideways and threw up on the bedroom rug. Then passed out...
In the morning, I was allowed to stay for whatever I could keep down for breakfast and then unceremoniously booted out, dragging myself off to the nearest road out of town with a hangover the size of the Great Pyramid.
Happy days....
Posted 2 years ago # -
yes woppit. thats about the level of all of mine.
Posted 2 years ago # -
I like that Shibboleth!
Posted 2 years ago # -
I like that Shibboleth!
Yes, I rather enjoyed it to. Best cup of tea in years! ;o)
Posted 2 years ago # -
Possibly one of the best threads ever!
Posted 1 year ago # -
I was a fitter on Durham City Cooncil & used to get on site for plant repairs, one of the labourers was sh*gging a decent looking woman round the corner from the site & also her daughter a couple of streets away.
I later had a petrol station which was dead old fashioned, like I put your petrol in, checked your oil etc & one day this lass came in & said summink like '£10 worth please', so I commence pumping £10 worth of 4 star into her tank. When I'd finished she says, 'Oh no, I've got no money, I'll have to give you sex!' I took another look at her & said, 'It's ok, drop the tenner in tomorrow'Absolutely true.
Posted 1 year ago # -
Aye up Pete! Hope you haven't sold all your bikes.
Posted 1 year ago # -
Absolutely not. Never have, never will.
I'm very particular about where I put my best bits, so I only liaise with ladies I know enough about to know:
A. It will be worth it
B. it will be safe
C. It will be our little secretYou can say 'no' you know lads.
Posted 1 year ago # -
I never encountered such opportunity ... hmmmm ...
Posted 1 year ago # -
taking an able bodied girl into the disabled toilets* an hour before her flight after meeting her in the cafe was an unexpected bonus whilst waiting for my own flight
* in her words "the disabled toilets have more room and stuff to hang on too"
Posted 1 year ago # -
Posted 1 year ago #
Topic Closed
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