I have a 13 year old daughter back home in north east, seen her regularly for 12 years then the ex’s fella came into some money, I was told to jog on and they even rejected my maintenance (after twelve years of begging for it early every month).

A year has gone by since I saw her last and I’ve been told the courts would let her make her own mind up and not bother legal route, which I can’t afford anyway and to top it off they now have taken me to the CSA and now I’ve got £300 a month less to live on and pay it towards their smoking and drinking fund a child I can’t see. Plus, he’s texting me telling me to pay up quick and stop being a sperm donor, whilst still refusing to let me see my child because she hates me and don’t want to see me… which we know is rubbish..

They got married in March and my mum (who sits on the fence, but will soon be knocked off it) has occasional contact with daughter. She’s had her surname changed but we think it’s because they may have adopted her.

Thinking aloud, I’m not on birth certificate, I have no parental rights because we agreed mutual access when I took her to court when I found out about her when she was 8 months old so if they have said “there’s no father around’ could they wing it and have her adopted?

These cretins have brainwashed her to bits and we know she’s living in fear of disobeying him. Any ideas on how that would work??

No advice I’m afraid, but it sounds like a horrible situation for you.

I hope you manage to get some resolution.

Cheers, Rich

Thinking aloud, I’m not on birth certificate, I have no parental rights because we agreed mutual access

If you have no parental rights, how come you have to cough up CSA payments? This has me confused??

I have no advice to offer but you have my sympathy, what a horrible situation for you.

no experience or anything to offer but sympathy and get yourself legal advice fast.

Just to confirm – you haven’t got a parental responsibility order?

due to the age, you won’t automatically have it

you need to go and see a lawyer for a free appointment, and get advice on parental responsibility and contact order immediatley.

if you can’t afford to take it through the courts with a lawyer, then self represent – if you have been seeing her regularly for the past 12 years, then you have a pretty open and shut common sense case, as long as she wants to see you too.

That’s horrible.
Can’t add anything regarding the legal / adoption side, but I would try to encourage your mum to continue to ‘sit on the fence’ if that allows her access to your daughter.
If all else goes wrong with your daughter, if she can still see and know her paternal grandmother then there will always be a door for you and her to open when she becomes an adult and can make her own mind up without facing and fearing retribution from her mum and/or other adult influences she lives with.

I recommend that you ask on Mumsnet. I believe there is a legal question section. Have a look through, it may be less hostile than you think.

If you have no parental rights, how come you have to cough up CSA payments? This has me confused??

Because the law in the UK sucks?

Unmarried natural male parents used to have zero parental rights (I believe this has now changed) by default. But you were still expected to pay for the privilege of seeing your child abused whilst you stand by powerless to act (yup, been there, done that).

I have a little experience of adoption, both personal and professional. Adoption is a long slow process, and it’s very unlikely to go ahead without you being contacted. Your daughter’s interests will be paramount, and at 13, a lot of weight will be given to her views.

I’m sorry that you’re going through this, Mick – but don’t forget she will soon be an adult, and able to do whatever she likes.

I had a similar (but thankfully resolved amicably) situation many years ago.

Basically Ninfan is right. Good luck. Sounds dreadful.

if you want to pm me do so, i’ve some experience in the first part of your op, not the adoption bit. i would go to court, representing yourself unless you’ve 20 grand spare. you’ll probably do a better job, but even then, there’s no guarantees. the law is firmly in favour of the mother at the moment but is slowly changing. basically how far are you willing to go, financially, time wise, and emotionally? the important thing for me was to be able to show my kids that i had never stopped fighting for them, if they ever ask, cos you’ve got to respect her relationship with her mother, however much it galls. i know from your previous posts you’ve been having a sh!tstorm in the past, keep it together, good luck.

you need to go and see a lawyer for a free appointment, and get advice on parental responsibility and contact order immediatley.

if you can’t afford to take it through the courts with a lawyer, then self represent – if you have been seeing her regularly for the past 12 years, then you have a pretty open and shut common sense case, as long as she wants to see you too.
THIS basically

As far as I know – from a friend whose partner adopted – the father had to sign a form saying he agreed to the adoption/give up his rights – they could force it without his consent [ time consuming] but not without his knowledge and he could object.
Given your continued contact for 12 years with a recent change at teenage years it is unlikely the court will consider you to have stopped being a parent.

Personally I would fight to the last breath to see my kids. it is shit but to fight will always be the proof you never stopped loving them .
One day your girl will be a woman and that woman will know her Dad.

Chin up fella chin up but look the long term shit as the now is