Right, new boss, been given a (oh my lord) Personal Charter doc to fill out…

So, what do I bring to this new role?
What is my Personal Statement?
What do I:
Be …
Think …
Work …
Support …

Help me take the piss!

Be …ORSUMZ!
Think … a lot about bewbs.
Work … if I absolutely have to
Support …bewbs.

What do I be? I be driving moi tractor!
What do I think? I think “what do I work” is just gibberish

Do you push the envelope and think outside the box?

Are you The Original Alpha Male?

Use words like holistic, heuristic, deliverables, collaborative, delusional exactitude etc and you’ll be adored by management

I think your boss needs to improves his Englundz.

Be a master debater

run it up the flagpole !

Fist **** the unicorn.?

Don’t forget the granularity. Always the Granularity.

delusional exactitude

Oh my! That’s good!

Don’t forget the granularity. Always the Granularity.

I believe this started at Barclays. The rumour has it that some high-up started using granularity, and then everyone copied him. It became a real “thing” for anyone at Barclays Bungalow (in Canary Wharf) to use the word, and it spread from there.

Fist **** the unicorn.?

That’s a niche adult market.

You need to ring fence the unicorn and shift to a new paradigm.

Don’t forget to say that you be Agile and Value-Focussed

When are you going to socialize this?

I be agile, value focussed and operate with delusion exactitude… yeah, man I’m feeling this.

Looking forward, you need to step back and see the bigger picture
You need to globally align the collaboration tools for holistic processes

Alternatively try some acronyms…

Fully understand customer knowledge with immersive technologies
Bring onboard long leadtime optimal customer knowledge strategies
Control onboarding customer knowledge
Weight alternative neartime knowledge extension roles strategically

@CFH love that Barclays story!

Use any combination of: socialize, collaborate, play back, higher ups, C-Suite, step back, 30,000 feet view, decisioning, programme, lead

Never: expert, knowledge, technical, introvert

We had a lovely young lady from HR or someplace come to our mnangement meeting to tell us all about the organisation’s new “patient focussed” approach. we’re the NHS when the **** did being “patient focussed” become new? But best of all what totally awesome buzzword do we have for this? iMatter !! **** me that one must have been run up the flagpole a few times so bunch of nuggets could congratlute themselves on their cleverness.
****ingi****ingMatter??? ****ing ****wits

Btw, its a project mgmt job, may help.

@richardk.. loving those! At least one is going in

“Let’s run it across the cheese bridge”

Def. taking an idea developed by blue sky thinking and testing the solidity of the projects principal communication methods in supporting the weight of that idea.

Btw, its a project mgmt job, may help.

Kill yourself now.

Always remember that you’re not just a stakeholder, you’re a thought leader that lives by the core values and they’re not clients they’re partners in the decision landscape which obviously depends on their risk appetite

Kill yourself now.

Many a true word spoken in jest

Btw, its a project mgmt job, may help.

Then you mustn’t forget “working towards a successful crimp” – Not sure if it was invented on here but that’s where I heard it

Perhaps a crimp can be leveraged concentrically, or all process variables be aligned to ensure it ?

sorry, I don’t do this shit* for a living

* 😳

Traction and Stakeholders obvs

Think Barney Stinson with your replies.

Jeez, I’m too tired to creatively put this stuff into my C.O.B. (charter of bollocks).
Will get to work on it in the morning.
Thanks fellas, knew you’d come up with the goods 😀

I’ve got pages of these things that I’ve been collecting from work for a few years. I’ll dig out a few up to date ones in the morning. “Living our core values” is a good one

Tell them you’re a modern man…

[video]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hkCR-w3AYOE[/video]

Think across the piece.

Boil frogs, spot the elephant in the room, leverage and synergise

Or are leveraging and synergising out of date now ?

working towards a successful crimp

I would interpret that as ‘halfway through doing a shit’.

“Not so much blue sky but surface hopping between grey clouds and sunshine” is how a RM finished her diatribe of hate last week.

Oh and we need to put the mood hoover back in its store.
Is funding available to learn this crap?

I think you need to deleverage the juggernaut here. You will want an incremental target based objective map and to sweat the core aset base. Don’t worry about the elephant in the room but be cautious of Hadge’s arachnids.

I had an interview about 7 years ago for a different job in the police, with an HR women and a Det Supt doing the interview. One of the questions was complete HR wankspeak, and for the life of me I couldn’t even recite it straight afterwards. I just apologised and said I didn’t have a clue what they were even asking me. The HR woman gave me the filthiest stare that lasted the rest of the interview, but the Det Supt couldn’t stop chuckling. I think he had the final say.

Don’t forget to mention your “can-do” attitude 👿

So, what do I bring to this new role?
What is my Personal Statement?
What do I:
Be …
Think …
Work …
Support …

I bring it back to the bottom of the map.
All the ladies think I’m pretty fly for a white guy.
I believe I can fly.
I think we’re alone now.
I work it to the bone.
I support single mothers.

Also mention your self-starting approach, highly developed emotional intelligence and how you like to productize client scenarios to leverage the P&L figures

Securitization is another nugget
and of course your key role in the development of a high market penetration rate in the “insert trade here” space