Ok having a continual nightmare with the other half and getting to the point where I think its hopeless.

How do you communicate with someone who refuses to talk?

Have been in a vicious cycle for months now were we fall out over nothing in particualr but because she won’t talk and basically blanks me, while i’m trying to resolve things, it escaltes into her totally blanking me. This can then go on for several days. When she’s ready to talk about again she carries on as if nothing has ever happended. If I try to talk about it she falls silent and were back to not talking again.

I feel like the relationship plumpeting and whilst I desperately want things to work out because of our children she seems to want to bury her head in the sand.

I’ve suggested councilling / relate etc but again when I try to broach it she bury her head again. I’m starting to think she just wants me to bury my head with her but thats not gong to happen.

Its got the point were I’m starting to resent her for letting things get this way and, as far as I can see, not actually caring enough about the relationship to make an effort.

go to relate on your own if neccessary. It just might help. If I’d realised how things were going in my marriage…
Don’t leave it too late.

Why d’you think she refuses to talk? Perhaps your manner is such that she feels she can’t talk to you? You seem to be indimitating her to the point where she locks down.

You can’t force people to talk. They have to want to talk to you. This means they need to feel comfortable with it.

tell her you are going to book councilling, book councilling and tell her when it is, and it would be good if she turned up?

turn up and hope she does too?

mmm, tough one.
Does she know the impact of her behaviour?
Have you had the “If this doesn’t change then this will be the end of us” chat.
Have you had a good look at your behaviour? And I mean a really honest look.

I reckon the first stop should be relate for some proper considered and balanced advice as bassspine said go on your own initially if needs be.

This might sound a bit harsh but is the relationship worth saving? I know you mentioned the kids but you didn’t say anything about the adults. It might be that separated but happy and loving parents are better than a couple that live together in resentment and bitterness.

Sorry if that is harsh and i genuinely wish you all the luck in the world sorting this out.

mines doing exactly the same 🙁

Handcuffs. Spanking.

To be honest I think it’ll do me good to do the relate thing even if she doesn’t go. I’m feeling like a shadow of my former self. I now find myself not wanting to broach simple things because of the reaction I know will come. I’ve tried every which way but nothing seems to work. I can undestand about you saying I might be intimidating to her, but I can’t see how to broach things differently. Originally if we fell out I would want to discuss then and there and clear the air. I now let her take time to come to me and discuss it in her own time, but as mentioned before she just blanks me for a few days and then pretends that nothing happened.

I even resorted to texting at one point so she could take it in and repond when she way ready without the face to face if that made it easier. After pouring my heart out basically saying how things are going to end up unless we get help…….

5 hours later I get a text back…….

“Can you bring some Milk in on your way home”

“Can you bring some Milk in on your way home”

ouch….I’d be considering leaving at that point TBH, sorry, If it’s got to the point of having that sort of communicating via a text…

Are there any children? If not – I don’t much see the point in carrying on with it, TBH…

Unless of course, the S&M works.

Weekend away without the kids, change of scenery, time for just you to talk to each other?

No help whatsoever, but from the OP “plumpeting” is my new favourite made up word

Sounds like she has issues with her feelings, as in talking about them or expressing them, and that translates to blanking you and refusing to talk. Is there anything else which could be going on which could be affecting things eg. health problems,resentment about something etc.etc.

I quite like Woppit’s suggestion but realistically, if she won’t talk to you then some sort of counselling appears to be the best option unless you have a mutual friend, relative or someone else who could act as a bridge/go-between.

I’ve tried every which way but nothing seems to work. I can undestand about you saying I might be intimidating to her, but I can’t see how to broach things differently.

Relate on your own then.

There’s something else going on, I think.

If she won’t talk there’s nowhere to take it. Try, but if one of you isn’t being honest, you’re basically knackered.

Thisisnotaspoon… feeling for you fella. Torturous.

2 young children. Nearly 4 & 2. The prospect of not waking up with them everyday is the only thing keeping me from throwing in the towel now.

Lol at Steve-G. Not quite what I meant but I think I like my version better

Ok, any new kids, i’m thinking post natal depression to be that messed up. Or any history of depression.

“Can you bring some Milk in on your way home”

Is sooo out of line, that could well be a deal breaker.

Sorry, are you sleeping together?
Can she be seeing someone else? any recent change in behaviour.
Maybe she wants to end it but has no balls.
Sorry man, this sounds a nightmare.

speak to relate, or a mutual friend but also work out a few plans of what you will do if A,B or C happens, with timelines. Unfortunately waiting for her to decide your future can be a very hard thing to do, for you. If you get stressed or depressed it could have an effect on your relationship with your children, friends or work or health. If she does need help you have to be healthy to help her.

If you work out different plans, but try to be as nice and compassionate as possible, you will be controlling what happens to you again. Even if it’s more of the same until she comes round you will be better equip to deal with it.

All just my opinion but all the best.

Are there any children? If not – I don’t much see the point in carrying on with it, TBH…

I don’t usually agree with MrW, but this is exactly what I was going to say.

At least “spend some time apart”. In future you might think it’s the best thing you ever did.

Try and guess what might be making her feel sad, stressed, rejected, threatened?

sorry molgrips, my (now removed) comment, was uncalled for.

What I meant was, keep trying to guess…

Mrs Grips sometimes has episodes of depression. I used to try and get her to tell me what’s wrong, now I just let her be and continue to be as nice as I can. Doesn’t happen a lot nowadays though.

Not saying that is how things should be with you of course.

Maybe she wants to end it but has no balls

This is basically what has been on my mind. I actually set my self a time limit that if we weren’t on track within 6 months i’d walk. I think that was about 10 months ago now.

I’m not liking the person I’m becoming because of all this. Resentment is buildinig confidence is “Plumpeting” and I know the kids will start to take in my behaviour at some point.

If you are not happy get out, things never get better. Look after number one or you will be of no use to anyone.

Sorry if that sounds harsh, just plenty of friends (plus me) have been in a similar situation. Bitterness and resentment can ruin a man. I know first hand.

There’s not talking and then there’s being heartless. OK so she doesn’t like talking, right. so sending that text message? what’s that about then. Any normal person would understand the hurt and confusion a reply like that would cause.

So two options; she genuinely doesn’t understand that her behaviour is wrong, she needs medical help, or she understands fully, but doesn’t want to do anything about it. still wrong but potentially dangerous to you and kids, leave with them and go to your parents.

I actually set my self a time limit that if we weren’t on track within 6 months i’d walk.

I think you need to make this express. Ultimately, you need to make it clear that there will have to be a deadline.

But, also tell her that you want to resolve it in the best way for everyone – and you have to be open-minded as to what that may mean. Of course, that doesn’t mean you should give up now…

And, if you’re going to go to Relate (or wherever) on your own, make a point of repeating that you would like to go together but if she won’t go, you’ll have to go alone to see if there is anything you can learn to help you and her.

I’ve had a similar experience where Mrs North just wouldn’t speak to me, though clearly she had something huge on her mind. Eventually, it came to a head and we found ourselves at a crossroads. We chose to stick together. When she then had a breakdown a year or so later, we knew just how close we were for me to look after her. She’s now looking after me….

My experience of such things is limited I’ll admit but one thing I’d remind you of is that kids are a lot more resiliant than you relaise, especially at such a young age. If this is beyond repair, you’ll do them more harm in the long term by sticking it out for their benefit.

Unfortunately, from what you’ve said, it sounds like she’s trying to drive you away rather than just not communicating. Hopwever, it’s not my place to suggest whether this is recoverable or not.

Just don’t stick it out for the kids.

I can’t think of anything worse than if my missus started behaving this way.

Can’t offer any wisdome but if you are in southampton area and fancy having a beer and talking at me about it (I am no expert in relationships!) just let me know.

This sounds very, very familiar – don’t know what the root of the situation is with you and mine was pretty well aired here in the past (albeit under a different username). I pretty much had the same for 3 years all in, with a particularly traumatic time a couple of years back making the whole thing even harder for the last 18 months of the relationship. I went down hill fast after that in what sounds like a similar way to you have. I never quite hit the stage of topping myself, but I had started looking at joining the Foreign Legion… which is not far off the same thing really.

I don’t have any sage advice for you beyond “accept it and move on”. I did, and it was absolutely the right thing to do – and I say that kids or not (I didn’t know that my ex was expecting at the time, it makes no difference though, either the child has a father happy, alive but elsewhere – or it doesn’t have one… at the end of the day option 1 is always better).

Things like this can take you to some very dark places – I spent a long time drinking to forget – and succeeding quite often. Once things start going downhill like that they accelerate and you can get into some very bad places very, very fast.

Hope you make it through to the other side, by whatever means.

YOu need to establish why she is behaving like this

However I would suggest a relate session on your own if she won’t go, to get it clear that you are behaving in a reasonable manner.

Then its ultimatum to her. Help you to find a way forward or its all over.

I suspect that there is something from her point of view that you are not seeing. You need to find out what. However unless she wants to work to save the marriage its doomed IMHO

Good luck

I even resorted to texting at one point…….

I haven’t read all the posts but if no one has mentioned it, can I just say that I very much get the impression that you might be trying too hard. Don’t.

If she knows you well, and I assume that she does, then she knows what to expect from you. That will make her feel both safe and reassured, and give her no reason for changing her attitude. BE DIFFERENT! Do things which she does not expect you to do. Don’t chase her, it probably irritates her anyway and makes her hate you. Although ironically, she would probably panic and feel that she was no longer in control of the situation if you ignored her.

Don’t be mean to her though. Be loving, happy, cheerfully, and fun to be with. Just do things differently. It will both intrigue her, and make her want you.

I know that life/relationships shouldn’t[/b] be a game, but unfortunately it often is, do not always act as your heart tells you.

Finally, as others have mentioned, get in touch with Relate, even if you go on your own. And get proper advice from a professional, instead of from some random strangers on the internet. Good luck.

Cheers everyone. I’ll definately do the relate route, even if it is just me. To be honest though i’m deflated now and not sure how much fight I have left in me. It feels like i’ve been making excuses for her behaviour for that long that I don’t know where to draw the line now.

I don’t doubt for a second that i’ve probably got a hand in whatever issues she has but without talking about it I don’t know what else to do. I’m certainly not perfect but there only seems to one of us trying.

To be honest i’m quite surprised about the way you reacted to the “Milk” text. I think i’ve given her so much leeway, because of her inabilty to communicate, that i’ve lost perspective. At the time I was mad but didn’t even mention this to her because I felt I was partly wrong to text her in the first place. I guess when you try to talk someone who won’t respond you ultimately start to question your own actions

Some people are predisposed to just shut down when they are upset I guess.

My gut reaction when I saw the milk comment was that you should tell her to take a hike. However it’s obvious you’re keen to keep trying, so good luck. I’ve no idea what the answer is (sorry) but hope it works out for you.

Ernie I don’t doubt that i’m trying to hard, but i’m trying for us both at the moment. I’ve tried to not force issues with her but then they just get ignored. Thats were the resentment has come from.

Its hard to come across loving, cheerful, happy and fun when your feeling so low yourself.

It will both intrigue her, and make her want you.

Sorry but I think this is nonsense. Cleary the op’s wife has some reason to resent him and the longer this goes on then the worse it will get. It won’t be solved by playing daft games that worked for someone in a movie.

Good luck, you really need to resolve this only you and your wife know how to do that.

At the time I was mad ……

So it almost certainly had the desired effect then.

Ease off, don’t get too hung up on “talking”. Sure, good communication is vital, but it can be overstated……..talking endlessly for hours won’t necessarily make things better, it can actually make things get heavier. Lighten up. Do things with the kids. Try and have fun. And get proper advise.

EDIT : “Its hard to come across loving, cheerful, happy and fun when your feeling so low yourself.”

Yup, it ain’t easy. But the present situation clearly isn’t working out. I suggest you try doing things a little different.