Dos anybody here have a partner who has been diagnosed with this? May i ask about your experiences and coping strategies?

Thanks

Mrs B works in mental health and deals with a lot of PD. Apparently this book is pretty good for experiences and coping.

I would second the above from Mrs B, it does offer a good insight, and mind etc offer good information and support. I had a partner for about 5 years with a bpd, alongside some other issues. I won’t go into detail, as my experience was awful. But as someone that realised he did not want to be a carer or live his life by someone else’s issues, do not be too hard on yourself if you cannot hack it. Looking back no matter how selfish some would say I was for leaving, it was the best decision of my life bar none, I got my life back. However every situation is different and I hope you guys can make it work for you, good luck.

Apologies for putting this in the wrong forum.

I split with a girl because she seemed ‘crazy.’ At the time I was unaware of BPD. I have had counselling to help me get over the relationship as I was very upset.

We spokeon the phone last night for 2 hours.

I seem to believe that if she is willing to consider counselling and be open to the suggestion that she might be a sufferer (obviously not diagnosed by me), then there may be a way forward should I be capable of developing coping strategies, which is why I asked for experiences.

Or do people with BPD never change? Someone once said to me toxic people never change. Its a complete eye opener to me, the whole mental health issue and the stigma attached to it. If you break your arm you go to hospital and its obviously the right thing to do. If you get your brain checked out then there is this conception that you just need to pull yourself together.

I like to think I can understand this girl to an extent that nobody ever has done. She was the love of my life and I love her dearly and I feel like there is a part of me missing.

Thanks for the advise.

do people with BPD never change?

IME they change all the time. Similar sounding to smell_it my relationship of 18 months became dominated by her issues and really sucked – riding a rollercoaster is fun for a while, but day in, day out is crap.

Good friend of mine has Borderline personality disorder.

I wouldn’t date her as she’s too much work. 3 years since she was diagnosed and she’s getting better, practically in remission but there are still little things that could make her testing to date unless you are very patient. The remission seems to have also brought manic episodes with it.

People have to help themselves, with my friend at least – you can’t help or tell her anything. She has to learn everything the hard way. The best thing you can do is accept the person as a friend and treat them as though they are normal, but not get overly involved.

NHS Choices is, as ever, a great resource for information on health matters. I thought that this quote may be particularly relevant for you:

Recent studies have suggested that the majority of those with BPD do well over time, with most experiencing sustained relief from symptoms, and around half being completely free of symptoms and able to function well.

http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/borderline-personality-disorder/Pages/Introduction.aspx

As someone who deals with this and the results a lot, I personally would not date anyone with it. Perhaps because I have seen the emotional chaos it can give partners. Perhaps because I am the wrong person to do so. It can be helped with some therapies, but people with it don’t always make easy partners. In fact in retrospect, a previous partner who now seems narcisstic, self obsessed and unable to prioritise other’s feelings probably had it.

However we don’t know her and the situation and your feelings. And some people need to care for someone, and take on projects like this, to be themselves. Could that be you?

Its a complete eye opener to me, the whole mental health issue and the stigma attached to it. If you break your arm you go to hospital and its obviously the right thing to do. If you get your brain checked out then there is this conception that you just need to pull yourself together.

So true. I do, however, feel like things are changing. My own opinion is that mental health and physical health are both things that shouldn’t be taken for granted and take effort to keep in good shape. It took a while for me to reach that conclusion though!! 🙂

Currently trying to escape a long term relationship from someone who I strongly suspect is NPD. I’m a shell of the person I used to be with pretty bad depression, anxiety, low self esteem and confidence. As I understand it if the person is willing to accept they have BPD and undergo treatment and work really hard then they can improve significantly then a healthy relationship can be possible.

If they can never accept that they have flaws which they need help with (NPD) then run for the hills.

If you’re going to try and develop coping strategies make sure they’re not detrimental to yourself. Mine were and I’m a psychological mess now.

Vwpaddler – I also read about NDP and some of the articles I read was as if I had wrote them myself. When we split, she told me how perfect she was and this was the biggest mistake of her life. And of course she generally believes this, because of the narcissism. Therefore, completely stubborn to acceptance and change.

Unfortunately, running for the hills and beyond could be the most sensible decision I ever make.

One of the wife’s friends who has been very ill with depression for quite some time has just been diagnosed with this. The MIND website had the best info, but as to how it helps moving forward, I haven’t a clue. The criteria for diagnosis are so wide it pretty much overlaps depression…

http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/borderline-personality-disorder-bpd/

With NPD are you aware of the discard – return pattern. It happens repeatedly until you get to the final discard.

See my black dog post.

Do what you can

I recently had my eyes opened to this by a chap whose partner has it, he was going through a particularly difficult time and opened up to me. He clearly adored her and did much research on the condition to help him understand it. To be honest it was harrowing to listen to, he needed someone to talk to so I listened and listened and listened.

He understood the reasons for this condition, it was shocking and the poor woman should not have had to go through what she did as a child. Thankfully he’s quite a laid back person, highly intelligent and on the autistic spectrum.

What did worry me however was the effect this condition was having on their children ie the Jekyll and Hyde personality trait. Don’t understand how this would be explained to children as it must be quite frightening to see someone’s mood change in an instant. This did concern me greatly.

Life is very tough for some.

The mood changes are what I found really hard. You end up living in fear of doing anything as it’s always something you do which triggers them. You don’t need to do anything wrong you just need to do something.

OP, what about YOU? Do you not deserve a mutually supportive, and fulfilling, relationship with a so-called “normal” person?

our lad was diagnosed BPD along with paranoid schizophrenia and psychosis after filling his body full of sh1t. legal highs, plant food etc etc. had an absolute nightmare few years full of violence, police, social workers and institutions. plenty advised us to distance ourselves if not cut him off altogether for our own sanity. yes, we did distance ourselves a little as we just kept telling ourselves its out of our hands, theres nothing we can do. we always told him tho that we’d always be there if he wanted us, we’d never give in totally.

happily i can say there CAN be light at the end of the tunnel. our lad is back with us now, on medication and is just about ‘normal’ 🙂
yes hes hard work at times, but when we look back we cant believe the change in him. we thought he’d either end up dead or a life of soulless institutions, total waste of life or no life at all. hes now looking for a job and is enjoying his life. when we have a bit of a moan about his sh1thole of a room and how much shower gel he gets through we just look at the big picture and are just grateful hes not trashing it any more and stinking of er….. ‘human waste’ through never washing or changing his clothes.

it CAN get better.

sadexpunk – that is fantastic news and must be wonderful to see your son in a better place. He clearly has fantastic parents who love him very much.

that is fantastic news and must be wonderful to see your son in a better place.

tis indeed CG. i seem to remember back in the day you were one of the people giving me helpful advice, thanks for that and to all the others who helped too. you can never say it wont get worse again i spose, but for now we’re all in a much better place. thank you.

Look up “emotionally unstable personality disorder” as it seems to be a more recent classification. Might throw up some newer research and advice.

Have a look at the NICE guidelines https://www.nice.org.uk/guidance/cg78

Seek advice for your partner, WITH your partner. And look after yourself too. Try local support groups for lived experience from other carers.

I like to think I can understand this girl to an extent that nobody ever has done.

Whether this turns out to be true or not, it sounds like you are happy to accept a role akin to that of a carer, and could accept that it will need to be you responding to her needs, in which case you could well establish what you both want from the relationship and your roles within it. You would essentially be establishing your relationship on these terms, rather than being 2 equals whose relationship dynamics are changed by having to take on different roles.

I am totally biased by my own experience, and things could be totally different for you guys, but you have got out once and this would have been for a reason. And whilst you may now understand why your partner acts as they will, it won’t stop it being rubbish again. It will just be harder to justify that it’s rubbish, and harder to walk away from, because you knew what you were getting into.

Edit – I guess that might sound a bit hard, and I hope you realise I’m not trying pre-judge or lack empathy with either of you, but you asked for experience. I view my time in your position as a waste of 7 years of my life, 5 years in the relationship and 2 more doing fek all getting over it.
Just incase your ex was the lass you were referring to as a danger zone women in your previous postings, I have the scars to prove I lived with one, it’s very hard to explain in A&E that you just stabbed yourself in the lower back with a broken bottle of bud.

Another thread to come back to when more able

C G he sounds a lot like me

Thanks everyone for the words. Really very helpful indeed. I actually met with her this evening. And we had a heart to heart. I gently broached the subject of her possibly seeing a counsellor with me. And amber reaction was that she didn’t need to, she was fine. Even though I offered to pay. I concluded she is probably a victim of NPD and/or BDP and that we can’t spend time together.

Then she needs my help after we depart and I came rushing to her assistance. Why, because I love the girl. And that is the overriding emotion.

Houns – you’re one of the good guys, don’t forget that. 🙂

What was so incredibly sad was that his partner was unable to sustain friendships due to her unpredictable behaviour. That must have been hard for their children as kids naturally like to play with other kids so presumably it ends up being quite an insular existence.

lots of us have personality disorders, its the being branded as such that either makes it easier for both parties or harder for both parties their freinds and relatives.

its got to be your decision based on fact/love/emotional drain etc.

My gf has this. I suspected before we ever met. She was a bit odd. and knew as soon as I met her. She was very forthcoming with details and back ground in effort to put me off and we even decided at one point we should just be pals in order to save each other too much grief.

She briefs me on stuff and recommends making sure you have a support network too. We tell everyone that needs to know.

She is diagnosed and medicated, requires a wee bit caring but her family have noticed I seem to have been a positive influence.

We have both agreed to see how it goes and if too hard we will go our separate ways.

My gf has this. I suspected before we ever met. She was a bit odd. and knew as soon as I met her. She was very forthcoming with details and back ground in effort to put me off and we even decided at one point we should just be pals in order to save each other too much grief.

She briefs me on stuff and recommends making sure you have a support network too. We tell everyone that needs to know.

She is diagnosed and medicated, requires a wee bit caring but her family have noticed I seem to have been a positive influence.

We have both agreed to see how it goes and if too hard we will go our separate ways.