OP I can absolutely empathise with you. I’m also heavy and ride in the same style and while I am happy to have a coaching session (I have one coming up in May), the idea that you’re going to solve your problem with some coaching doesn’t wash with me.
In the peak there is no way I could get away without running a dual ply tyre at least on the back; anything less and I would pinch flat constantly. Mostly I run dual ply on the front as well.
A heavier tyre will allow you to reduce that 40 psi pressure (which will give you more control) and it will protect the rim better as well. It’s six of one and half a dozen of the other as basically you could keep the Havens but add a chunk of weight via the tyres.
If you still want something that is light but bombproof, then while they are far more expensive than people have been used to paying, carbon rims are the way to go.
Yes, they are silly expensive but my experience of the rims at least is that they are able to withstand an incredible amount of abuse.
I’ve run Carbon Havens and have had problems with spokes snapping but the rims are basically bombproof. I’ve now gone over to Enves built traditionally as the spoke count is higher and I think that’s key to longevity for the wheel.
I’ve slammed the Haven Carbon rims many times, pinched flat many times and the rims are still without any kind of deformation.
Outside of carbon exotica, you should be able to run a Stans Flow EX without problems. This would be a light set up as you can run a DP tyre tubeless thereby saving a bit of weight on the set up.