I know it’s normally the gals that suffer but what about the guys that go through it, what do you do/have you done to move on?(mtfu I know)just asking, no reason really 😐

You are not on your own OP. It happens – more common than people think IMHO. It’s definitely not a case of MTFU. Get out and stay out would be my advice. It can be a long journey to get over it though.

Pscychological abuse – divorce.

you have to leave them mate. violence in a relationship (or anywhere) has no happy ending. shut the door, don’t look back, and walk away. the only cure for a broken heart is a new love in your life. mtfu is a joke you know that but get back on the horse is sound advice.

[this isn’t from personal experience, this advice comes from helping my best mate through, out of, and after, a really abusive relationship. he is a big bloke and im proud to say he never rose to it, even when i had a phone call when he had locked himself in the bathroom and she had the kitchen knife out. he really really loved her and couldn’t see past the relationship, but he is a very happy boy now, and im sure you will be too. most people dont treat each other like that]

Yeah. Even though at the time I never thought of it as that. It got worse when we had our son, a very good tool for control. I’m not going to go into detail here, it still stings five years later. My email is in profile of you need advice or guidance.

It was thanks to a policeman that I got out… after having the police called out (on me, when I’d done nothing other than agitate a disturbed, damaged and highly aggressive person) I don’t know how many times, one of the PCs took me to the side and said ‘Look at it objectively, she’ll just keep doing it, does she really care about you?’… it took a while for it to sink in and even after leaving the relationship, she managed to alienate me from friends with lies and manipulation (she even managed to pull my mate who I was supposed to be moving in with…)

I’ve had a lot more respect for the police ever since, though wish I’d got out sooner, but it was tricky when I’d grown close to her daughter.

Moving on can be tricky, but take the copper’s advice…

Look at it objectively.

I know it’s normally the gals that suffer

It’s a lot common than you might think. Around 38% of domestic violence victims are men.

(Sauce: HuffPo)

Nobody should have to put up with it – I hate to think how many mates over the years have put up with pretty horrific emotional blackmail before finally snapping/lashing out, and if course when that happens, we know who is the baddie (due caveat about there being two sides to every story, and often nobody comes out of things like this being perfect)

The one strong piece of advice that I can offer is to get it recorded somewhere before you try and do anything about it – whether thats with doctors, a diary, or solicitors etc – as you never know just what allegations are going to come out if and when you do contact the police.

I have no experience of it but I’d be in the getting out camp

Worse if there are kids, I guess, but even so

… and if I thought there was any possible risk of harm to the kids, they and I would be in the car pronto and out for good

I bet you don’t want to, but reporting it would probably be the best thing too

Kid yep! thanks for the advice, seems like it could be spanning 10 years so a massive reality check and a very deep hole to climb out of and re adjusting to what is normal too.

Best of luck OP.
No direct experience of it myself but my mum took way too much verbal crap from my dad over the years and he hit her only once to my knowledge but it’s done her self-confidence no favours so I can see the long term damage of mistreatment even when it’s just verbal…
I would have thought Samaritans and other support services are available for more advice?

These guys might be able to help. They have a helpline. Start there.

http://new.mankind.org.uk

Can’t offer my experience, sorry OP, but I can offer my support that you find a way out. Good luck.

Not something I particularly want to revisit, but if it helps from a ‘not alone’ perspective, I have. Took a long time to recognise it, a longer time to extricate myself and a still longer time to deal and recover; but in hindsight it’s something I should’ve done years sooner. Very difficult to be objective when you’re in the middle of it.

Cheers guys, I am on the emotional rollercoater atm but I guess the first step is recognising there is a problem, which I have done.

Not a man, but a Gal 😉 , but have been there, it’s rough, got out and happy now, taken a decade since to get myself fully happy again, but I made it. Saw her a few years back and hid behind a magazine rack in fear, so it’s still there but I am (mostly) free of it. Took me a few years to recognise the problem but once I did I got out in a few months, then there was a few months of more distant verbal abuse (at least no more punching) until I managed to make a total clean break.

Am now with the kindest, most amazing person I ever met, she makes me smile and makes me feel safe. She knows all about my history and is brilliant with my insecurities that come with it at times. She is also as crazy as I am and we are going to embark on some adventures in the near future. It gets better.

I haven’t experienced it but the BIL did. She was a nasty piece of work who I took an immediate dislike to from the off. I don’t hide my feelings so when she started cutting the BIL away from his family I made it pretty clear what I thought to her and to him/his family.

Anyhow I was proved right and his sisters got wind she was getting violent. Kicked off one night where he was getting abused and his sisters turned up at the house, saw what was going on, stood up for him and ended up with one of the sisters in a headlock with this beast of a woman.

She was a flaming pyscopath with a long list of incidents. He had a kid with her but due to some of the incidents he could of clicked his fingers and got custody of their kid. He didn’t, he realised his kid needed a mum. He kicked her out, moved on and now has a lovely girlfriend of a few years, a very grounded young lad and a semi stable ex wife who his son loves.

Let your family, friends know whats going on. Let them help you and even if things are a bit complicated with kids etc, things can be made better. Don’t just try to get through it

Suspect more men get the emotional abuse and control issues than physical abuse, but it is very common.

All those threads about asking permission to spend money on bikes? They seem funny up front, darker underbelly.

And much harder to get resolved with kids in the frame.

Good luck OP.

I would highly recommend counselling or getting some kind of help. The link someone posted above looks good. Even go and see your GP he/she might know of local networks. You don’t have to do it on your own and someone elses perspective can be the reality check you need and the confirmation you need. You will be surprised at how little you will be judged and how much you will be supported, as seen on this forum. Good luck. I have had some experience (psychological) and talking therapies really worked for me.

yes. leave. it will not get better.
everybody deserves to be happy.
i stayed for the most common reason victims stay with abusers, you believe if you help them, they will change. this will not happen while she gets away with it.
i only hope there’s no children involved, if there is, involve the police. email in profile if you need. also, in the west yorkshire area if you need a hand/beer.
good luck

I stayed for the most common reason victims stay with abusers, you believe if you help them, they will change.

Can certainly relate to that… on reflection, no one benefits in that situation

With children involved it is very tricky, but you have to realize what’s best in the long run.

Worth remembering that everything is temporary and though ending a relationship can be turbulent, things will get better with time.

Now, this, I hope is something I may be able to help with.

OP – please please please feel free to email me (in profile)

I specialise in Domestic Violence and Domestic Abuse (there is a difference) for a living (helping the perpetrators mainly, not actually doing it).

Whilst never having been in such a position personally I’ve lost count of how many people I know who have of either sex and whatever relationship combo you care to think of.

Get out as soon as you can is really the only advice I can give you, make sure you have someone who you can be honest and open up to that can help you move on with your life.

And well done for recognising it for what it is.

Once had a crazy Peruvian gf called Kuzi pull a kitchen knife on me.

I was out of there man! ➡

All the best OP

Graham S – I must admit I did a bit of a double take with the stat you quoted. The page no longer exists.

Once had a crazy Peruvian gf called Kuzi pull a kitchen knife on me.

Few years ago, one of the guys I worked with turned up injured. His girlfiend (sic) had grabbed a kitchen knife and stabbed him… in the foot. I don’t know where to even begin with that one.

Hi gazhurst…tried to email but your addy is incorrect….would it be .com?

i did a double take at Graham-s’ statistic it depends on how the term is defined but some time ago I saw stats that put the male split of victims at over 50%.
I am a strong believer in get out and move on people do not change their behaviour patterns without significant challenge if you do not leave you allow the development of a “Transactional relationship” which reinforces the behaviour.

One of my mates dad’s was the victim of years of emotional abuse and regular violence they stayed together my mate could best be described as seriously damaged even though she had never laid a finger on him.

The system in terms of police and courts is laden with layers of assumptions about domestic violence despite jivehoneys refreshing experience. The man will usually be arrested the woman will often be believed, there are procedures to try and force a conviction where she reuses to complain or retracts her evidence . It is assumed that the first reported incident is not the first incident etc.
It is simple self defence and common sense to get out before things get worse.

LMNHs if you are asking the question you know the answer.

lookmanohands – its definitely gdhurst2001@yahoo.co.uk

failing that, try garry.hurst@hmps.gsi.gov.uk

i havent read the whole thread, but i have been a victim of violence at the hands of my wife.
i put up with it because i was petrified to fight back, (im huge, and can handle myself too)
but eventually i told my wife that if it didnt stop she would come home to a completely empty house.
i will give her credit where its due, there was a drastic change in attitude.
no incidents in the decade since that conversation.
some people can change, it depends if they want to.

Dysfunctional family.

Left at 19 years old (older sister left 11 years earlier after being punched in the face by some guy we used to call “Dad”)…

Never a day goes past that I don’t feel f***** up about it/by it.

not sure if it counts, but listening to my dad beat my mum up when I was about 10 has really stuck in my head, sat at the top of the stairs listening to my mum trying to cry quietly, Im seeing a councillor at the moment and a lot of this stuff has come out, very painful for me to re live it

Lots of internal rage.

Miss Houns suffered it from her ex husband for nearly 20 years. He still tries to control and bully her (and the kids) now

She had been seriously messed up because of it and it’s so hard from mys side seeing the effects it has. Sadly her eldest son is turning in to his ‘dad’

Leave. Leave now

I knew a married lad in the army who used to come into camp all battered. Of course he was interviewed by the OC due to his injuries and used to confess up to fighting in town with the local Germans This would land him in extra duties, fines and then even jail time. This went on for over a year, a promising career was being flushed down the toilet rapidly. It became obvious that it wasn’t fighting in town as no one was seeing him out. After a failed suicide attempt he admitted his wife was beating him regular and he couldn’t lift a hand to defend himself as he was brought up that men didn’t hit women and then the shame of it all he couldn’t ask for help either. He got out of the army shortly after that.

My ex was good at the psychological stuff. I adored her, genuinely adored her, but she was controlling and manipulative.

She didn’t talk to me for a week after my dad told me (in front of her) that he’d seen an ex of mine, I hadn’t seen her for years, but her granddad knew my dad..

I used to have to give her two weeks notice for a night out with my mates, then she’d guilt trip into usually not going.

We moved in together and I finished with her about 8 weeks later. It’s screwed me up if I’m honest,

I’m now married to the most incredible woman but I’ve still got hangups that mean I feel uncomfortable talking about money, if I’m out then I feel guilty if I’m longer than I said, even though she’s properly relaxed.. she helped get my head straight though I just need to iron out the last few creases

Take a breath, get out and then have a mate you really respect remind you of the reason you’ve done it when you start to wobble (and you will, the brain has a great ability to make you forget anything but the good times), remember the bad times became my mantra.

Best of luck