If so, how did it work out for you?

I am going down that route now and could do with hearing of some positive stories.

None to offer I’m afraid. Expensive, painful, engenders bitterness, vitriol and bile, and can get very very nasty. Sorry 🙁
I assume all other avenues such as mediation have been exhausted.

Good Luck!

Yep been there and done it, once was enough!

Custody or access?

Good luck either way, I don’t suppose it will be quick.

Custody?

I seem to recall that you are both still currently resident at the same address.

I think the first question here would be who is primary carer? Ie, do you both work?m who takes the kids to school, to the doctors? dresses and feeds them most of the time? Who looks after them in the school holidays?

Unless you can honestly answer you to the above (and I suspect few blokes could) then, realistically you are going to need a very good reason (eg. demonstrating real risk to the kids, like your ex is an alcoholic/smackhead) to overturn it

I’ll be upfront – I am for splitting who looks after the kids 50-50 – their mother only wants me to have them one weekend per fortnight.

And yes, I can honestly answer that I do all of those things half of the time.

The scuttlebutt (and I know women who have been advised to do this, and seen it work)

You need to get her out of the house, leaving the kids with you for a while – maybe she goes to visit her mum to have a break and think it all over, at which point you apply for residence and lock her out. alternatively she needs to lose her rag and hit you.

Obviously, it’s utterley wrong, but that’s the system

Edit:

Otherwise, you could potentially win 50:50, but the system is stacked against you, and without her supporting it, I wouldn’t rate your chances.

Given what you’ve said about her in the past, I would beware something underhand as outlined above coming your way if she is not getting her own way.

My mate is currently going through this process (not out of choice)…

He adores his kids, his kids adore him. They love with him (their choice). Their mother is an evil vindictive POS that is often nasty and has been known to be physically abusive. She is currently taking him to court for custody of the kids for some reason…

Will she win? Hell no! It’s still costing him about £5k in legal fees to defend it though, so quite frankly, when the court has to get involved, everyone’s a loser!

Do ANYTHING (including being reasonable and nice to your ex) to stay out of the courts basically!

Obviously, it’s utterley wrong, but that’s the syste.

I am not prepared to lower myself to those depths. Hopefully my children will live long and happy lives and pulling that kind of stunt is only going to lead to them hating someone when they are old enough to understand what has been going on. I’m determined to be the better person here, no matter how difficult that may be.

I agree, kids will make up their own minds in the long run.

Ten years on from being on the receiving end of something similar (her moving out and pissing off 200 miles away to live with the ‘love of her life’ that lasted 6 months), one of my daughters lives with me.(genuinley not bitter, feel sad for ex to be honest, but I’ve seen how the system is stacked)

Just be warned that although you might not stoop that low, she might.

Just be warned that although you might not stoop that low, she might.

I fully expect her to stoop to those depths and am prepared for it. As I say though – the kids will make their own minds up in the end.

What do the kids want?

My dad got custody of us when I was 5.
My sister and I wanted to stay with our mum.

The kids (4,6,8) want to split their time with me and their mother down the middle and they have told her this repeatedly. Her response to that is “that’s not your decision – the court will decide”.

She is refusing to go to mediation also.

I’ll be upfront – I am for splitting who looks after the kids 50-50 – their mother only wants me to have them one weekend per fortnight.

Didn’t have to go for court no did we really disagree but based on friends/acquaintances who have to my advice would be to not fight it.

Just agree with her fortnightly visits and either at some point she’ll ask you to do more or it’ll work out. If the visit’s are under ‘court’ you’ll be very restricted – ie pickup/drop-off at an allotted time, with no/little margin of error.

Also you’ll constantly be spending money with the lawyer as she’ll never answer any communication.

Not much to add except for best wishes. Tough time. Good luck with it.

Otherwise, you could potentially win 50:50, but the system is stacked against you, and without her supporting it, I wouldn’t rate your chances.

Given what you’ve said about her in the past, I would beware something underhand as outlined above coming your way if she is not getting her own way.

IME this is good advice^^

Do ANYTHING (including being reasonable and nice to your ex) to stay out of the courts basically!

This isn’t^^^

Here’s an update. We managed to come to an agreement last night. It’s not one that I’m entirely happy with, but it’ll do. This will surprise many of you, but I’ve gone for the being a better person approach.

What we’ve agreed is this: I get the kids every second weekend and two or three evenings per week. I get them for half of all school holidays. They move out and live elsewhere, but remain in Edinburgh.

Solicitor is drwaing up an agreement which bint jaws needs to sign – then we can proceed to divorce which should be done and dusted by the end of the year.

I’m stll waiting for the knife in the back though and will sleep with one eye open until the poisonous witch moves out.

We managed to come to an agreement last night

Best way.

Glad you got to some sort of agreement.

It truly baffles me why people choose to use their children as weapons against their OH.
They’re children, not bartering chips. FFS, if they want to spend half their time with their dad, why the hell not?

Bigyinn – because she is a sociopathic evil witch.

I’d wait til it’s all signed before breathing a sigh of relief. Her solicitor will more than likely try swade her into demanding more…

Especially as

she is a sociopathic evil witch.

Her solicitor will more than likely try swade her into demanding more…

She has been to her solicitor this afternoon and the agreement that we had has now been blown out of the water.

What do the good people of STW suggest that I do now?

In all seriousness, I’ve got nothing, but props to you for being the better person.

Would I be right in thinking that your attempts at mediation would be considered by the court?

I have no idea.

My current thinking is that I might just go and move back to my mothers 90 miles from here and if the evil **** wants the kids to visit me she can bring them down.

She has been to her solicitor this afternoon and the agreement that we had has now been blown out of the water.

There’s a surprise, solicitor wants to make more money off client, 10 quid also says that solicitor is a man eater.

Call me a tosser, but I think if I have kids and go through this, I’d find it pretty easy to just completely walk away and disappear. I’m the kind of person who could pack in a well paying job and live on a lot less if I didn’t have a future family to think about. Not worth the bloody cost to your health.

I thought I was going to have to do this at one stage, but I had an advantage in that my wife was alcoholic and had admitted herself for treatment. The advice I got was that I had de facto custody so why bother! And if she bothered then I had good ammunition to combat it. In the end I kept them and it never came to court.

If it was me, I would tend to ignore the fact that the bloody system is SHIT and that you will probably loose. Just stick to your guns, that way, even if a court decides against you, you can tell your kids later that you did your best to try and keep them.

I don’t know much about these things now, but it may well be the case that the court will take more notice of what the kids want these days.

Do what you think is the right thing, and good luck to you.

Right – I’ve made a decision for myself. I’m moving to live with my sister as of tomorrow. It’s 90 miles from here. I’ve told the kids mother that she can have whatever the **** she wants and to let her conscience decide on how much she wants to **** me over.

The kids will make their own minds up in time.

Think about that for a little while, moving out can be used against you if you decide to go to court.

Mostly, look out for your own health though. As you say, your kids will see her for who she is when they are a bit older.

Nah – I need to look after myself here.

Tough times for you, no doubt, but I wonder if that reactions like that might come across as a bit melodramatic, and therefore be used against you? That’s not a dig, just a thought.

Yeah, personally I am inclined to agree with you. Just try to carry out any action with a cool head, don’t let emotion rule your decisions too much.

She has been to her solicitor this afternoon and the agreement that we had has now been blown out of the water.

What do the good people of STW suggest that I do now?

Sit back and wait for the arrival of false allegations/twisted representation of facts, done to get you out the house.

It’ll probably be seen as the ultimate flounce, but I need to get away from here.

Once you do escape, keep yourself busy and don’t dwell on her and the children, focus on being mentally resilient. Get on with your life, go on holiday, do lots of biking and eventually meet another woman. Don’t fall down the route of misogyny and become a permanent bachelor.

I hope you keep your head above the water chap.

Brave decision mate – must be so hard to walk away from your kids? Lets hope she comes to her senses and realises the kids will want/need to have a Dad in their lives – not to mention that their Dad wants to be in their lives too!

I hope any financial repercussions are not too damaging either.

Best wishes.

It’s heartbreaking, but it’s better than staying here and either killing her or killing myself.

You clearly do need space,

Could you take the kids to your mums for a few days over half term

You could sell it as giving your mrs some room to have a think.

Alternatively, just shut up and do it.

If you’re leaving Edinburgh, get yourself up here. We need both decent physios and improved driving standards – that’ll keep you busy 🙂

Understatement of the year there pal.

The trick is to being confident in the ability to control the direction of your life, my instant reaction after getting over having much contact with my family would be to think….well I’ve passed on my genes…. there’s more women to knock up. Maybe I’m actually in reality so misogynistic that I’ve come full circle to the point that I don’t think I’d ever get to the point of wanting to kill myself or my ex.

Kids are not stupid they will realise who is being the difficult one, seen this with two friends recently – stay out of court it will ruin you and make you bitter – accept whatever she demands. Your kids will miss you desperately see them once a fortnight and then ask if they can attend special events (your birthday, grans birthday etc) if your missus is a lazy miserable bitch and suddenly has them 90% of the time she will soon get pissed off.

By the way my missus was forced at 11 years old to live with her mother rather than her Father – by the time she as sixteen she was back with her dad and has not spoken to her mother for many years (all she wanted was maintenance and child allowance)

The trouble will really start when she finds another bloke…

That’s the end of my sensible advice – now I would jack my job in go on benefits let my self become bankrupt stop paying all the bills…. That really boils their piss but I am not a rational human being.