I split up from my other half amicably at Christmas..

Most of our arguments in the 18 months leading up to the split revolved around her workaholic tendencies and the strain that put on me in raising our two small children, often feeling that I was being left to raise the kids single-handedly..
I love being a parent and strive to give the kids the very best of me, to provide a fun and inspirational, positive parenting experience but being under so much strain was leaving me unmotivated, short tempered and irritable.. And I had definitely not signed up to raise the kids alone.. we had agreed from the start to work to live rather than live to work and that family would always be the first priority..

My partner would not relent, the arguments got worse and so at Christmas I moved out (at her behest) with half custody of the children..
Ironically, in her deciding that this was the best course of action, she has forced her own hand and now has to do her bit with the kids..

So I now get regular downtime, but I obviously still feel isolated and alone in raising my boys (2 and 4) and am losing sight of the positive aspects of parenthood, starting to slide into apathy and depression and feeling run into the ground..

Is anyone on here able to offer any words of advice and encouragement..?

Sorry to hear that mate. Things will get better with time, the best thing for you and your kids is a routine. Enjoy the time you have with them. Do stuff. The time they are away, chill out, and be yourself. Get out on the bike.

It sounds really tough. Feeling down after any split is normal, but it will pass and things will get better. You’re just going through a painful re-adjustment phase.

2 and 4 is a difficult age combination on its own, let alone with all that turmoil going around around them.

It’s natural to feel apathetic and depressed after the break-up of a major relationship, kids or no kids.

Has their behaviour worsened in your eyes? If so, they may be feeling the turmoil as well, no matter how much you’ve tried to protect them.

Being a single parent, even part time, is hard, and there are going to be times when you’re on the floor, but equally, it will probably be the most satisfying thing you’ll ever do.

Stick with it, wait for the ups, look out for the little things that make it worthwhile. Plan some trips, something to look forward to. And reward yourself for doing a good job, even if it feels like you’re not sometimes. If you’re managing to insulate your kids from all this s***, get meals on the table and clean clothes on their backs, you’re doing fine.

Have you got any friends or relatives you could work into your schedule to give you support?

Don’t feel bad about feeling like this. What you are feeling ISN’T the problem, its the affect of other problems.

Stressed, exhursted, down, who wouldn’t be feeling like this, in your situation.

Get a little help and support, can you go to grans one night a week for tea, and make that a little bit of down time when you are with the kids but doing less for a couple of hours.

try and put the value back in to the time.

But MOST OF ALL don’t beat yourself up.

What was your relationship like before kids?

Before we had ours I used to hear/see people split up with very young kids and think you didnt do your duty etc. Then we had ours and it can-opened my view pretty rapidly. The sleep depravation, etc etc.

I’ve approached any sort of reconciliation/reboot of your relationship or is it dead?

Is this why you feel down? i.e. the root not ‘Im not enjoying my kids’?

Sounds like mild depression from your overall situation. Thats normal given the circumstances.

The sleep depravation, etc etc.

Sounds like mild depression from your overall situation. Thats normal given the circumstances.

My brother went to his GP saying he thought he had depression, and the GP replied, ‘no, you just have young children, the symptoms are very similar.’.

Having kids is hard enough as it is, regardless of what you’ve been through since Christmas.

You are trying to do the right thing. If the relationship is properly over then you need to focus on planning on your lives going forward, and sort out plans and priorities for the you that is the hands on dad and the you that is an individual.

If it is getting a bit much, ask for help sooner rather than later, friends, grandparents, parent and toddler groups etc. Talk to your GP if you are starting to struggle.

imho males are really bad at talking about the day to day aggro of life, especially when kids come along. A mate and I realised that we both coped by talking things over while riding, but one of our circle of friends was struggling to deal with a lot of relationship and illness problems, so the first Friday of each month a group of us dads in the village meet at the pub just to have a drink and a chat. Usually half a dozen of us, lots of steam blown off with or without the alcohol, and we all look forward to it. Seems to have helped the guy we originally wanted to help anyway. Though he is still known as Eeyore….

My brother went to his GP saying he thought he had depression, and the GP replied, ‘no, you just have young children, the symptoms are very similar.’.

not sure to laugh or cry at that statement. Maybe as a society we like to put “things” in boxes too much these days, perhaps the GP is right, sometimes it’s not being able to accept what you have and how you might need to change, to a certain extent I was like that, but many a compromise has been made (I have a 2 and 4 year old as well). Circumstances are different as I’m the only one “working” and we agreed I needed to maintain my active lifestyle and the friends that go with it, likewise I would badger mum to get out and leave the kids alone for a day on the weekend where we could so she could get head space from the screaming little shiz, fu’@-g devils that we have spawned.

Don’t beat yourself up. You have just gone through one of the most stressful experiences life can throw at you. There is a “grief-like” period inevitably with the symptoms you describe. The good news is that you recognise this and you have your own clear values. Give yourself a break. The mojo will come back. Stay strong.

I’m sure there are plenty of dads on here, single or not, who do all the kiddie stuff.

I do, and only work school hours to suit. When mine were 2 and 4, there was some nursery time, but also plenty of dad time where we would make sure we got out and did stuff. Lots of trailer and bike rides, building stuff, arranging picnics and plays outside with other kids. Also playgroups too. Not really a chore and I may have been lucky as there were some mountain biking and similar interest mums to chat with. This sort of stuff helps with feeling isolated, so really try and plan your stuff to include other kids/parents.

I too need my time, and not riding bikes results in grumpiness, but get some of that and then really throw yourself into the fun things that kids do at that pre-school age. When it gets to school age, then it all changes and you become some sort of taxi service 😉

As said above – you are doing great, don’t beat yourself up about this. Just throw yourself into the fun things.

THIS + Many Good advice
Its a tough time , kids are young and demanding, what you thought would be the rest of your life with someone and raising a family has gone, you are alone and doing your best in what is a very hard time

Its gets better , the kids get more independent and you start to get /make a life outside child care
Best of luck.

Totally, what teamhurtmore said.
Sorry to hear about what you’re going through yunki.
My kid honestly kept me going through the breakup and without seeing him a lot I’d be lost.

Its a transitional period mate. And a bloody difficult one! When it happened to me, I was, I thought, a bit of a mess

With hindsight I can now see that I was actually a lot of a mess. I was all over the place. Very depressed. You’ve had your routines and responsibilities before, and now you don’t know what they are, or where the new boundaries lie. Its incredibly difficult! We’re creatures of habit who, whether we say so or not, like stability. You’re just working out what thats going to consist of.

It will settle down though. And not long down the line, you’ll look back and wonder what you were so bothered about, as it all seems to have worked out nicely

And, lets be honest, anyone who says they absolutely adore their kids all the time is either some Prozac and Chardonnay Mumsnet sociopath, or a bloody liar! Yes they’re ace! And infinitely life-affirming and rewarding, and we love them unconditionally, but everyone has those moments where they think ‘how did I manage to produce something that such a right royal PITA?!!!” (I find analysing your own behaviour normally provides the answers here)

Anyway… chin up fella. You’ll get there. Half the battle is to admit to yourself that you’re struggling, instead of being a usual typical bloke, and just assuming because you’re so rufty tufty, you can take everything life can throw at you. We can’t. Its a myth perpetrated by idiots.

I’m with you in spirit brother. I’ve been there. As have many others

Group hug? 😀

Group hug?

I’m in 😀

now we’re talking!! 😀

Oh god. I’m out!

Having kids is hard work – and you will always be your own harshest critic.

Stuff that worked for me:

Always have a plan for what you are going to do with your time with the kids.
Get them involved with swimming/footie/rugby/music/cage-fighting lessons/clubs – it’ll give you an hour or so where you don’t have both of them to entertain.
Read ‘The Idle Parent’.
Do your own thing when they’re not with you and don’t feel guilty about it.

Sorry to hear Yunki.

It does all come to pass and it constantly changes as the kids grow. Our lives were and still can be very stressful as we did not have any support network when we moved here 7yrs ago. Constant arguments on parenting/childcare responsibilities, finances etc led to a constant discussion of us splitting. I know I have not made it easy for her wrt a number of reasons. But we persevere and try to make it work.

Maintaining a sense of humour always helps. The kids do take up a lot of time and energy. But I would urge you to stay strong and positive.

I’ve been through depression myself (frankly I don’t think I’ve past it… my wife says I suffer from a Dysthymic disorder) I think it’s important to ensure you seek the right assistance/support (GP, specialist or friends) in helping you get through. I learnt very quickly who to talk to and to avoid. But at the end of the day it all comes down to you as the individual who needs to take the necessary steps to maintain your self preservation.

I sincerely wish you the best. Stay strong and enjoy the time you spend with your kids at every phase of your lives.

2 and 4 is a toughie. Mine are now 4,5 and 8. Much noisier, but a lot easier.

getting outside with them if they are boys is advice that has seen me well, for both them and myself.

Sounds like your doing the best for them in difficult circumstances, and it won’t be easy, but keep at it – they’ll thank you for it later.

Well, maybe not actually thank you but.. 🙂

Its a transitional period mate. And a bloody difficult one! When it happened to me, I was, I thought, a bit of a mess……

Brilliant post Binners. Have you ever thought of writing for a magazine or something?

I separated from the missus when the kids were 4 and 6. Previous few years had been very, very tough and increasingly we couldn’t even agree on what time of the day it was, or whether it was raining outside, let alone on the myriad of decisions that we had to make on a daily basis re the kids. Let alone the sleep deprivation etc etc.

I moved out two and a half years ago and the first 6 months were very tough. Renting a room from strangers, seeing the kids much less, struggling with the day to day when so much heavy 5h1t was weighing me down. In hindsight I probably was a bit depressed, and unsurprisingly given the circumstances. What I can say is that it does get better. Two years down the line I’m in a new relationship, new house, see lots of the kids. It does get better, as mentioned above you just need to stick in there, keep yourself busy, ride your bike, see your mates and critically allow yourself to enjoy the time away from the kids, god knows you need it and as you get your energy and enthusiasm back it’ll transfer into the time that you do have with the children

Brilliant post Binners. Have you ever thought of writing for a magazine or something?

He wouldn’t have enough time seeing as he’s always on here! Anyway, Good advice on this thread and I’d only add (seeing as I went through this some years back) that when you don’t have them, you do all the things YOU want to do, which makes for a reasonably positive experience.