How long did it take them to settle in their new abode?

We have had my MIL staying for the last six months while she received chemo and with the cancer under control at least she has now returned to her home town 90 miles away and moved to a care home in the centre of the town, where she and her family are pretty well known.

Admittedly her profound deafness hasn’t helped her make new friends but I’ve got her hearing aids fixed now. At our house she lived pretty much by her own timetable and didn’t have to make any effort to run her own affairs, but the move has not brought the joyful relief we were all anticipating; she is unhappy and keeps saying she wants to go back to the hospice where she enjoyed a pleasant respite day once a week while she was with us. However hospices are for people at the end of their lives and at the moment she is not that unwell. This is stressing Mrs Gti beyond belief and far more than when her mum was staying with us.

Anybody got any experience of this?

Not sure they ever do to a great extent mate. It’s a massive upheaval and a loss of freedom. It’s a loss of all you’ve been, all you are, self-respect and belief things can and will get better.
They feel they’re now a burden on you and instead of being the strong one who is the one everyone turns to, they’re now the shell of the person they were and require their arse wiping for them.

It’s exceptionally hard on both them and you.

Quite a few tbh. Interesting and in many ways sad to see how they react

Relative A – withdrew completely and kindof willed herself to die in the space of a few months. Never spoke when she was in the home and used to look at me with eyes full of blame
Relative B – antisocial to begin with, even more so in the home. Avoided all but the most essential contact, eventually settled in (under her own terms) prob 18 months. Still there now (3 years)
Relative C – glad to have young-ish ladies bringing him cups of tea on demand, embraced the whole scene, would have been there a long time if not sadly passed away
Relative D – life and soul of the home, impromptu bingo sessions and sing-songs, overjoyed when an outdoor canopy was put up specifically so she could smoke outside in all weathers
Relative E – post stroke/onset of Alzheimers, second stroke and she passed away.

my mum is in very sheltered housing. TBH she loves it — not so much the company as she’s pretty deaf, but she’s warm, well cared for, well fed and we continue to visit here 2/3 times a week as we did before when she was in her own home (and falling, and not so good).

But I believe some of the other residents don’t like it so much – it’s just down to how they are — no pearls of advice as to how to modify here attitude I’m afraid.

My dad went into a care home which we all chose. It was a nice one v caring staff.

Anyway on his wing were 20 ladies and 2 men. Says it all really the ladies played bingo cards etc all day, the men dad incl sat in his room all day.

Dad lasted 6 weeks he just did not want to be there.

Ibet the ladies are still there now.

Moving into a home is rarely the “victims” choice, but sometimes it just has to be done.

Moved my Gran into one when it was really way too late in terms of her adapting, but she lived there for about 12 years. Died at 100yrs and 6 months of age.

She got Alzheimers, that was the main reason she went into a home. It was just way too stressful for any of the family to have her at home. She was warm, well fed (although she didn’t eat a lot) and nicely talked too by lovely staff.

I’ve recently been looking round various potential homes for my mum. And suddenly it struck me “There are NO men here” 😕

The generation in care today are probably the last from the old “working mans” generation, where hard living, and unhealthy lifestyle (smoking!!) has effectively killed all the men off, leaving just the women behind. Quite sad actually. (easier for the men tbh)

Interesting point. I’ve said the same WRT to increasing numbers of pop stars and TV personalities who are dying; they are the first of the pop music and TV entertainers generation who came into our homes thanks to TV and radio.

My MIL never smoked and never drank but she’s never exercised and always eaten rubbish. I believe this is because she was brought up on a farm where you had to work extremely hard to grow food and raise livestock then preserve it for the winter. My wife says that when factory-produced food appeared in the 60s, her parents went mad for it and they had Vesta curries a couple of times a week. People must have loved the luxury that all you had to do was boil some water, pour it in and you had an instant calorie hit. While my MIL was staying she would get visitors to bring her sweets and biscuits and would lie in her recliner all day munching her way through packets of biscuits and an entire big tin of Quality Street in two days. As she recovered from the cancer her weight increased massively, her appetite driven by the steroids as well.

Go and speak to the owners of the home if possible, or directors of the company that own it.
They are responsible for the way the place is run.
If they don’t act immediately to try and help your MiL feel happier and more comfortable, ask them why.

Then speak to the manager and the care staff and ask the same questions.

Spend a few days getting to know the set up.
Speak to the residents and visitors.
Ask lots of questions, as many as you can think of.

Look for the obvious – is the place being run for the benefit of the residents or the owners?
Can people get up and eat when they want, or is everything strictly timetabled?
If so, why?
Are individual needs being addressed?
What’s the atmosphere like, does everyone seem happy?

All the staff want are the tools and funding to look after the residents.
If the place is underfunded and staff treated poorly, the turnover will be high, with no continuity of care or the opportunity for staff to gain a full understanding of the residents needs.

In my recently hard learned experience homes vary greatly in feel/livability/suitability etc. I too originally placed dad(alzheimers) near home(for friends etc contact) as I though that was best. It wasn’t, to cut a long story short he went from being spectacularly unhappy in a small local home on the beach with fab viiews to a large modern carbuncle on an industrial estate 25 miles away – and the new environment suits my dad so much,much more, and it’s had a massive positive impact on his behavior/quality of life.

some egs
home 1 had 1 living room with tv perma on[loudly]- home 2 has 3 – large, med, quiet – dad can get peace and escape people who are pissing him off/noise.
home 2 is colour coded (2 floors , 4 quadrants same things are always same colour) – dad can find things easier.
home 2 signage is old fashioned/obvious – ie the toilet is signed ‘TOILET’ in big letters inc ensuite – it turns out that dad couldn’t always find the (unsigned ensuite/the small man image) ones in home 1.
home 2 has free range garden where residents can garden (home 1 was accompanied access with no involvement)
home 2 has an indoor greenhouse – as above
home 1 had a sophisticated no touch ‘hole in wall’ electric water tap – which it turns out dad(and quite a few other residents) didn’t know how to use – (dehydration is common in elderly) home 2 has trolley and jugs and taps
home 2 has two eating areas and more food choice/flexibility.
home 2 has many more classes and outdoor trips and is either better staffed or as it’s larger and when everybody is behaving staff have more time to socialise and do.
home 2 has old cafe style coffee machine so residents can have a coffee when they want(and a trolley) (home 1 was trolley round only)
basically they’re both homes but home 2 is much,much closer to what my dad wants from a home

*edit(after post above) also ask around the local grapevine- I managed to find ‘friends’ of a couple of people who had worked in both homes – they both said there was very clear winner.
Also I got lucky on a visit in home 2 – a new staff member was being shown around – they were describing the owner – ‘she’s a good manager but you are expected to work hard and be good, christ she’s absolutely ****ing loaded but she’s still here everyday from 8 to 5 checking things’

Thanks, all useful input. The home she’s in seems good, she has a nice warm sunny room and the manager is a decent bloke and very concerned for his new charge.

However she has been spoiled by the hospice she attended once a week so Mrs Gti could get a rest and clean her room properly. They treated her like royalty there, absolutely amazing, and she thinks the care home ought to be the same. She’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer and when she arrived, her first question was: “What time will the carers be coming tomorrow?”

She’s confused and she is complaining that nobody vists her yet she has had visitors every day, so I’m buying her a visitors’ book at lunch time in which they can record their visit with comments to remind her.

My parents are both extremely stubborn and value their independence very highly so I’m expecting it to be difficult as and when the time comes to make a decision about moving them out of their home.

I’d like to have an adult to adult conversation with them now, to find out what their preferences are so I can support them in that, rather than impose something on them when we’re in a crisis. but my brother doesn’t want to have that conversation and I’m pretty sure they don’t want to either…

The main thing will be location. They’re in Cheshire, my brother’s in Ireland and never comes over and I’m in the SE so if they stay up North there’ll be precious little visiting going on so I’d probably try and move them down here, depending on how many of their friends are still around by then

I’m expecting it to be difficult as and when the time comes to make a decision about moving them out of their home

It depends

Falls or illness can be incapacitating. Time in first tier hospitals, more time in 2nd tier hospitals, rehab/respite/physio/clinics. if they’re lucky they might go home and have people in to take care of them but it’s never the same. This is how it begins and inevitably they become incapable of looking after themselves. They know it, you know it, so it’s not such a difficult decision to make.

Yes have the conversation.now. I literally drove dad to the care home on christmas eve as the hospital wanted his bed.

we looked at loads of care homes some were v good some were atrocious. The real question is how many residents are self funded – as if u self fund u r subsidising the rest. Its your money so your choice.

also visit every day at different times and make sure the manager is aware you are.

the staff are brilliant for what they get paid.