So. I’m 44. Mrs M is 49. We have one child (Awesome. Totally awesome.), aged 7. Mrs M would like us to have another. Very much like us to. I’m less certain. I’m concerned that we’re too old. I’m concerned that the age gap with existing Jr is too big. I’m concerned that egg donation (necessary for us) would be strange.

I understand that any discussion around these areas could be (would be) very personal, and would gladly exchange emails if that was preferred. Basically, I’d just like to hear other people’s experiences or opinions on these concerns.

Points of possible relevance. Financially we’re fine. Fitness wise, I’m of reasonable fitness. Mrs M is supremely, athletically, competitively fit.

We’re doing great as a family. Really great. Which makes it hard that this is so hard for my wife.

Thanks.

My wife and I both have parents almost 40y older than us (and not excessively healthy types). Don’t think this was the cause of our deep-seated psychological problems…

In fact I’ve never thought of them as being older parents though I supppse at the time they were. FWIW the youngest of the 4 by some way is the only deceased so far, that was a decade ago…

Ooops edit did my sums wrong mine are only a bit over 30 though wife’s is almost 40. So you can ignore me…

I’ve just turned forty and Mrs Funkmaster is thirty four this time. We had a pleasant surprise just over a month ago and Funk Mk3 is on the way. Our son is three. I had similar worries about my age. I think it’s natural to worry about these things.

If you can provide a stable, loving environment and it’s what you really want then go for it. Sorry that I can’t be of more help, but I think the fact that you are this concerned is probably a good thing. Hope that makes some sense?

MrsTJs mum was 40 and her dad 55 when she was born. Elder siblings 20 years + older. Her dad died when she was 14 which caused her great stress. Her big brothers and sisters were around a lot as part of an extended family living locally and she had nieces and nephews to play with but no doubt at all that older parents shaped her childhood hugely and in many ways limited it.

How do you fancy having a teenager in the house when you are 60 and your wife 65? I wouldn’t but then I have no kids and don’t want any.

Thanks all.

TJ, that’s where I’m at, loosely. And however I’d be at 60 with a teenager, how would a teenager be with me.

My daughter is 20 and I’m 58 so a reasonable gap. We might have tried for another a couple of years later but didn’t for health reasons.

I’ve never found the age gap to be a problem – and I can’t say my daughter has either. There’s a very real sense in which 50-60 year olds aren’t as “old” as they used to be, especially those that look after their health, exercise, eat sensible etc.

how would a teenager be with me.

They’d probably be a bellend. But that’s because teenagers, nothing to do with your age. 😆 Sorry, not really helpful.

48 here, with a 4 year old. I too worried about if I could cope, felt too old to be having more children (25, and 2x 18yr olds from a previous relationship). But, its given me a new lease of life if anything, yes she is tiring, and demanding, and yes I dont get out on the bike as much as I used to (actually, that may not be true, just changed when I cycle, I commute a lot more now, and take advantage of the light evenings when they come and junior in bed (oh, and Zwift really helps) but she is amazing and very much appreciate having her. I thought school runs would be awkward, but its not, there are a few ‘older’ Mummies and Daddies around, certainly more than I thought there would be anyway.

I do worry about the future though, I do sums like you do (I will be 57 when she turns a teenager, 62 when she turns an adult etc) but, not a lot I can do about it !

In my case I definitely feel a bit rejuvenated, like I am starting all over again, but I love it. I know I treat the ‘newest’ differently from the other 3 when they were younger, I am much more ‘loving’, spend as much time with her as I can, enjoy creating different experiences for her, going different places etc. Whether that is just because I never expected a child at this age in my life, or the different family dynamics in the previous relationship, or, more likely I feel, I have just matured, a little bit of a different view on life (just been to 2 funerals in the last month) and it makes me appreciate every moment I have with Isla 🙂

A former colleague has just turned 66. He has grown up kids from a first marriage, now has a 10 year old and an 8 year old. He’s just retired to be a house husband and is loving it.

The kids seem to be to be fine.

I appreciate the thoughts. tthew 🙂 Iaincity1, great to hear from someone whose sort of been where I’m at. Morecash, nice to hear a story from the older end.

No experience other than mum being 40 when she had me, but i believe this sort of decision is about desire and attitude…Do we expect to be grumpy at 60 or something?

Do you expect NOT to be grumpy at 60 Al?

I guess that gives the rest of us something to look forward to 😆

We were both 40 when we had ours, in hindsight we should have had 2 but for various reasons we didn’t. As you say I would say at nursery we aren’t old and anyway I’m still 18 in my head. Mate has 3 under 3 and he is 50 – he’s absolutely knackered though !

Her dad died when she was 14

My dad died when I was 14. He was 40-****-nine. Does it piss me off that I lost my old man so young? Yeah, sometimes. Did I just get on with life and work with the hand I had, yeah. I didn’t have a choice. You can spend your life leaning on a crutch if you want, but your folks point of departure isn’t their choice. I know guys whose dads were older than mine when they had them, but they’re still around. You just have to get the **** on with things.

I’m 49, wife about to turn 41 – we have two almost 8 year olds and we have just started thinking about another so pretty similar to the OPs situation (and my feelings/concerns too). No answers though!

My folks were around 36/37 when I was born and to be honest in my peer group at school that was pretty common — I think a lot of late starters after war and stuff. Not that far off the gap between us and no. 2 here. In fact pretty spot on. No. 2 does I think become aware that of her peer group she has the older parents.

One of my mates is a very happy dad, he’s now around 54 and Haggis is 7 or so, so he’d have been c. 47 — it does mean that when youngster is coming home at 18 the worse for wear, Paul will be what 65 or late 60s – which might be a bit of a shock ..

Kids keep you young. My grandad was surrounded by them from 21 until he was 90. You just find the energy. That said, I had young parents and an almost twin sister. All gone now. But my grandad was the same age as many of the above parents when I was born, and was effectively my father after mine died far too young (29).

Age is just a number, attitude is what matters.

I’m 50 the wife is 40 and we have a 4 yr old boy. It’s great. But there will be no more though. I dont really think about the fact that I’ll be in my 60’s and my son will still be living at home. It just is what it is and make the best of it. We have a great relationship now and I will do my best to keep it that way

and as he says up there, they keep you young if you’ve got the right attitude

My mum was 39 and dad 42 when I was born, working class, never drank but both smoked, didn’t eat too healthy (both very trim, I hasten to add, although my dad packed a bit of timber on when he retired) and both gone by the time I was thirty. I think there’s always the background thought that, if they’d had me younger we’d have been together longer, and that neither of them were blessed with particularly long lives, but they both wanted another kid so here I am, and I like to think/hope I brought some happiness and fulfillment to them. Has to be said, I don’t think I was particularly pleasant to live with in my teens/early twenties – not sure if that was a lot of fun for them to cope with in their sixties! 🙂

My brother is 5 years older, so a gap but not that big – we squabbled because siblings, age gap had nothing to do with it and he’s my best mate now.

It is all very well saying that age is all in the mind but you can’t get away from the fact that the older you get the more likely you will become ill or die whilst your children are still relatively young, plus aged parents instead of being able to help out with grandchildren are more likely to be a burden themselves. Sorry to put a negative slant on things but having an ex that was damaged by her aged parents early death plus having seen relatives and friends with MS and cancer and the effect it has had on their children has put things into perspective for me.

The concern around the death & dying bit is not worth even thinking about … death can come at any age.
The attitude difference because of the age gap is another non-concern … you’ll be their parent, which puts you on a different wave length anyways.

I got the same daft attitude now as I did 20yrs ago … and probably still will 20yrs from now … all you can be is yourself, and we all different anyways.

My biggest concern (46 yrs here) would be having no me time; yep, I that selfish.

Yes death and illness can come at any age, but the older you are the more likely they are to affect you and your loved ones 🙁

I’m 51 my mum is 36 years older my brothers are mid 60s my dad was a few years older than my mum . I did feel I had parents who were old when I was a child/teenager but it never really impacted my life .
I had my first/only child when I was 46 took a bit of NHS help to conceive.
My brother had his last in his 50s we are both chronologically older dads than our dad was , bit in terms of interaction energy and fun I’d say we are far “younger.”
My experience is people die at inconvenient times regardless of age and that is always hard for their children.
Having a child is hardwork whatever you age and age brings certain compensatory advantages.

Fertility treatment , for us hormones and manually depositing into a cup followed by selection of the best swimmers and insertion by turkey baster , is odd but nothing to be over botherd by . it is a lot easier when you find the lock for the gentlemans room door !

Both me and the wife have siblings 7 years older than us. It’s not an issue growing up, never crossed my mind as a kid that my sister was a lot older, made no difference.

My parents were 35/36 when they had me, same for the wife, and again, it wasn’t something that crossed either of our minds growing up. It is something we’ve talked about as we had our daughter both aged 37.

My dad was 53 and mum 37 when they had me, an only child.

I spent much of my late teens, twenties and thirties looking after them.
I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.
I wasn’t mature enough to deal with it and they deserved better.

I don’t have children, mostly for this reason.

I have no experience of this, being 38 with a 4 and (almost) 2 year old. Although it’s interesting to see this age gap being cited as large by adults on here who thought the had older parents. 20 is young, 30 is normal, 40 is older and 50 is rare.

But my concerns would be twofold – firstly that your child will be 8+ when the sibling arrives, which is a big age gap. And secondly that your wife will be 50+ and it’s her who will have the greater workload in the early years. She may have forgotten how ridiculously exhausting it was first time around and the older you are, the harder it gets.

I just think being an older Dad is a far easier job than being an older Mum. I’m unconvinced that being supremely athletically fit can outweigh the aging process – I see it with friends of ours who’ve only just turned 30 and are coping with 4 kids aged 4 and under! There’s a reason the human female has evolved to bear children between early teens and early forties and is physically optimal at the younger end.

It’s very difficult – best of luck with your decision making. I imagine that whatever makes your wife a competitive athlete also gives her the drive to ‘succeed’ with this so it may be hard for her to see alternate views.

I was 50 when my youngest was born. My wife is younger (in her 30s). For me it’s great I appreciate young kids more than I did in my 30s when my first daughter was born. Only downside for me is it may push back my retirement. Uni for my youngest if he goes will be when I’m 68-71.

Downside for the kids. Nothing at the moment. People are living longer now so I could be perfectly fit in my 70s or I could be dribbling into my soup in a care home. My dad died when I was 23. Hope I make it another 20 years (my son is 2 coming on 3). Bearevement is inevitable, what difference does it make whether you experience it in your twenties or forties. I agree experiencing it when you are very young could have a bigger effect and I could be flattened by an HGV any day but so could a younger dad.

My initial post came across as a bit more negative than intended, apologies.

I think a support network helps hugely.

I have a few very close mates and a bro in law who have become parents in later life.
Some already have mature kids, all come from large families and live close to both.
They’re all doing fine.

If I was a bit more isolated from that type of environment, emotionally? and physically, that would influence my decision.

Bereavement is horrible whenever it happens, but having people who are close, both emotionally and physically can be a huge comfort and help.

I’m 46, little one is 1 next month.
Her elders are 6 & 8 (not that old)

We are fine with it all (except having to get a bigger not cool car)

My neighbour is 69, he just bought a Ducatti. Obviously if he had teenagers that would set a bad example for restraint and being a sensible parent. Until he broke his collar bone skiing (in his mid 60’s) he was still a lot faster than me on xc rides (I was 50 at that time). Obsessing about age is in my view a mistake. Some people are “old” in their 30’s

My parents were 40ish when they had me and I have a brother 15 years older man me. Understandably, my relationship with my brother isn’t how I imagine it to be between most siblings, we are close and get on well but he left home when I was about five, married, had kids early etc ( who I am much closer to in age) and guess he is probably more like a uncle in some ways.

I did view my parents as old growing up and do now. I only knew one grandparent and he passed when I was five. I am early thirties and find it funny when much older people at work still have grandparents as this is something I never had as a result of older parents.

I remember being at school and dad not being in the dad’s race and feeling embarrassed, remember him being too tired to come out play football like my other friends dad who was a decade younger than him, lots of little stuff like that but always made it apparent I had old parents and now I am early thirties and they both have health issues.
I had a surprise at 21 and became a father while still at Uni, so they have known my daughter but the majority of my friends haven’t started families yet and imagine if I was in the same position there would be a good chance my child might not know its grandparents for a significant part of their life. They are in their seventies and couldn’t imagine getting them to help with childcare, like people with parents 10-20 years younger.

I have never expressed any of this to my family as I knew it would hurt them but I do think there are issues with having children late and they people generally deluding themselves if they don’t see it. Some of this will probably get resolved with advances in medicine if we can improve quality of life. My parents were the healthiest people I could imagine at seventy, travelling the world, enjoying life, a year later they both had cancer and the future isn’t so rosey. I can’t imagine they will see my child get married, have children etc.

My daughter comments she thinks it funny she has young parents as the other parents of her friends are all so much older. This isn’t something I have ever pointed out to her, so children are observant of such things, even if we want to tell ourselves otherwise. Obviously having a child at 21 was less than ideal for myself and I now have to listen to all my friends having these incredible ‘insights’ they have discovered from parenthood that I was having while they were having funny partying.

I find people having kids so late is a little selfish, but if you already have an 8 year old, why wont you adopt?

imo having a single child later in life can be difficult for them when time catches up with their parents, however everyone I know who are part of a larger family cope with the inevitable losses far better

Why not adopt a sibling group? The age gap to the 8yr old will be smaller etc

The OP asked about age gaps – not wether at 60/70 you are still driving sports cars and feeling fit as a fiddle as some posters are bashing on about.

8 year age gap is big – almost generational. I was close in age to my sibling, but my best friend had a 8 year gap to his older brother. They are not close. He’d left home for uni when he was 9/10. Sample of one, admittedly.

To give my opinion of having a baby later in life….respectfully OP – at 50+ as your wife will be, she is too old. Sorry- but that’s what I think. 40’s ok. 50’s, it’s too late. I felt like I was too old having two in my 30’s.

I appreciate other opinions will vary 🙂

My only insight to this is that my dad was the oldest child in his family and his youngest brother was born 20 years after and they are not close at all. Don’t think they’ve seen each other in years but then they never lived in the same home. Also I can’t imagine the stress and strain of child birth when most women are entering the difficult menopause phase.

Interesting thread. 12 & 17 year between me and the brothers . I’d moved out when the youngest was a toddler… We are ok. They are closer.
At home ,senorita J is desperate to have another ,I’m being hesitant ,worried about being too old,money etc.
Bombshell is, that we have a fertilised egg, frozen from our previous ivf!
I only found out it was fertilised last year (tonto)and knowing this has changed my perspective enormously.
@deadly-my brother was 14 when our dad died.My heart breaks for him every time I think about it. I might show him your post.

Thank you all for your thoughts on this. They’ve given us lots to think about and discuss at this end. Cheers!