A car idles, a small child plays in
a doorway as his mother talks
quietly into her mobile, an
elderly woman makes slow
progress with a shopping basket.
In the car, the only one parked
on the small Soho side street,
a younger woman checks her
make-up in the rear-view mirror.
Technically the car shouldn't
be parked where it is, but she is
completely involved in applying
her lipstick and unaware, I'd
guess, of the strictures of
Westminster City Council
parking regulations. Enjoying
the scene and the unusual
presence of the sun, I push my
beer glass across the table, stretch
my legs and relax. A mistake.
The cyclists come silently
but with force. Two men in their
early thirties, squeezed into
garish Lycra bodysuits, descend
on the street at speed. They are
both cycling on the pavement,
and if not actively looking for
victims, they are certainly ready
to take on all corners.
The first corner is the old lady,
who says" Ooh" when the
leading cyclist clips her arm.
I just get my feet back in as the
second cyclist – sending the
child scurrying for safety – cuts
diagonally across the pavement
and on to the road, where he
stops, slams his fist on the roof of
the car, and bellows "Bike lane,
you *unt" through
the window.
The first cyclist
has cleared the old
woman now and
stops to watch
his colleague
continue his
assault. Inside the
car, the woman
looks very scared.

The interior serves as an echo
chamber and the assailant-
enjoying the satisfying boom
he is making – continues to slam
his fist down on the car roof.
The woman's face wobbles and
her body shakes, her lipstick
now smudged beyond the line
of her lips.

Momentarily I consider
throwing my glass at him, but
there is at least three-quarters
of a pint in there and the
authorities have arrived in the
shape of an amiable-looking
police community support
officer in blue serge uniform, flat
black shoes and peaked cap.
Tubby and smiling, the officer
makes a stark juxtaposition
with the cyclists, both of whom
display the developed muscle
that comes with peddling
through small children and
bellowing at frightened women
five days a week.
There is a pause, broken only
by sobs as the child hides behind
his mother. "Ah," says the
officer, reaching to open a flap in
his jacket. "We shouldn't really
cycle on the pavement, should
we?" He gets a notebook out
and continues, "Can I have your
names and addresses, please?"

The second cyclist considers
this and then says, "F*ck off."
The first cyclist spits on the
pavement next to the officer's
shoes. As the officer looks
down at the sputum, the
two cyclists leave the
scene, peddling out
of the side street
and into the main
thoroughfare,
where they join
the stream of
other cyclists who
course and snarl
across the city .•

Are you channelling ee cummings?

Formatting FAIL

Formatting FAIL

exactly as formatted when scanned 🙂 Not bad for OCR I thought!

what is the new statesman ❓

It's nice to think we're all brothers in arms, but unfortunately as long as there are arseholes, there will be a few arseholes on bikes.

I do wish people would learn the difference between peddle and pedal though 🙄

what is the new statesman

it's a comic I read

😆

Meanwhile, motorists kill about 350 cyclists and pedestrians a year.

that's a beautiful poem SFB… love the cadence and alliteration, also some of the metaphors and onomatopoeia were particularly good…

Awful and totally made up I reckon, the author has stitched all the bad things he has ever witnessed a cyclist doing and stitched them together into an wild and sensational tale where two superhuman bullies gob on police officers and knock over children and the elderly. Utter rubbish i hope he gets crushed by a bendy bus.

this is what I wrote back:
I really expected better of NS. Had this column been in the Daily Mail I'd just have ignored it – not that I ever read it you understand, but its online articles are often drawn to my attention. I'm not questioning that the events described took place, but they must be highly atypical. I know a lot of cyclists, and none of them would behave in that indefensible way. The mention of their clothing is of course, irrelevant, though if you are to ride at anything other than a very relaxed pace on a fine, cool day, normal clothes are unsuitable. Without defending bad behaviour, there is also another side to the coin, and that is the negligent or aggressive attitude of many motorists, who consider cyclists not to be entitled to use the roads for which they are erroneously taken not to pay – which results in frequent dangerous or injurious encounters caused by drivers, when they either ignore riders, assume they will be slow or intentionally cut them
up. I prefer to ride mostly off road for this reason, and most cycle commuters report incidents where they have been knocked off their bikes by motor vehicles (4 times in my case). As a result I ride very aggressively, assuming I'm either invisible or a target for attack, whichever is worst, though I don't extend this to pedestrians

Right on for complaining, I really doubt these events happened and even if they did its hardly news, people committing minor crimes shocker! the only thing that makes it news worthy is that the offenders where avid cyclists. Im sure pedestrians will do worse tonight, hope this guys out to write it all down.

display the developed muscle
that comes with peddling
through small children and
bellowing at frightened women
five days a week.

that's where I'm going wrong with my training. I'll try it. 😉

i think we should all write some poems to send the NS about fat ****ts in suits in bmws and audis while the wives drive the kids 800 metres to school in the chelsea tractor

i presume the New Statesman didn't actually pay the journalist anything for that non cutting edge piece of non incisive verbage

The New Statesman was formed in 1913 “with the aim of permeating the educated and influential classes with socialist ideas”.

50% owned by a labour MP Geoffrey Robinson

http://www.theyworkforyou.com/mp/geoffrey_robinson/coventry_north_west

think i'll drop him an email later asking if the New Statesman is now focussing on fiction

where they join
the stream of
other cyclists

Oh, I see….

is it wrong that i find the piece quite amusing?

is it wrong that i find the piece quite amusing?

I believe his pieces are intended to be funny, but in this case the joke is lost on me!

I liked it. It certainly conjured vivid images into my brain. I'm not a London pavement cyclist, so don't have any other feelings either way.

Do wonder what these cyclists were peddling though.

What really happened:

A car parked in a
cycle lane obstructing
cyclists while
lady puts her
lipstick on.
Meanwhile,
two cyclists
realise their
predicament of
either straying
into busy traffic
or mounting
pavement as it
is quieter.
whilst doing
so an elderly
Lady is
startled, but
not afraid.
the Cyclists
apologise but its
too late:
a Jobsworth PCSO
stops them
for committing
an 'offence', though the PCSO
is soon corrected by one
of the Cyclists as it
is permitted to
ride on a pavement
if the road is a
more dangerous
option and if not
riding 'furiously' it is
not an offence.

The End

well done for complaining. this guy is just a **nt

I don't read the NS because I presumed it was full of crap that I would find annoying.

I don't read the NS because I presumed it was full of crap that I would find annoying

well I do, and it's usually interesting and informative, but this piece wasn't 🙁

Good for you SFB for complaining to the NS. I can see it might have intended to be funny, but as above, this is lost on me. I enjoy observational humour but this is just a stitching together of a few stereotypes. However, I don't suppose the readership will take it too seriously. They won't be choking on their polenta.

Personally, I don't ride on pavements or jump lights partly so as to be seen to be legal & considerate. Most riders I know are the same.

I avoid motor vehicles whenever possible. In April I did 2 hrs+ of technical fast off-road stuff on our local moor, no endos etc. Within 2 minutes of joining the main road through our village I was on the deck with dead bike, concussion, whiplash etc. The lady who pulled out in font of me was very nice & solcitious, & me in return. I had to calm her down a bit, but yes, it was a SMIDSY again.