I’m sorry but haven’t been able to read all of your post.

My take is that your marriage has taken a back seat whilst you’ve both been following career paths. Well, marriage needs working at, it doesn’t just all slot into place.

I think you both have to decide exactly what you both want from your respective careers, ie would one of you ‘sacrifice’ a career and get some stability in your lives, both for the two of you and your child? Do you want your careers to be blamed for the state of your relationship?

It is particularly difficult when you’re in the Services, my best friend has been through this and it ain’t easy.

You both need to ask yourselves some tough questions, perhaps try Relate too. But, importantly, you need to look yourself in the mirror every day and say ‘I did the best for my child’.

Sending good wishes.

Can I just add.

The marriage failed. Not you or your partner.

The only time its a persons fault is if one person chooses another.

Hope all works out with time, whatever that may be.

OP – really feel for you, came within a hair’s breadth of the same thing happening a couple of weeks ago and we see each other every day. Not sure I can add anything other than just roll with it and see what happens – we had an epiphany moment and all is getting better – you just never know. Keep it civil and friendly, if there’s a spark it may just reignite. Good luck.

c_g thanks for the best wishes. no dig, but as regards the career v marriage thing, I know any marriage takes effort, please read 1 of my later posts, summarised as – since we met I’ve always put my family before my career, hence the promotion so late compared to my peers, just as my military career is coming to an end & not to be extended for just that reason – stability & family; my wife has also not actively chased promotion either, she is just lucky that she’s got more natural talent than me to make people take notice & promote her.

I apologise for any offence caused, caused by not reading everything. Lesson learned. 😳

Do you honestly feel that your wife has 100% made up her mind? Is there any possibility of ‘couples’ counselling within the Services that would specifically address your situation?

How do you feel about leaving the Services?

I agree with Phil above. How you managed to keep the relationship going for that long through your careers was impressive.

From reading your posts, the tone that stands out for me is almost one of putting the responsibility on yourself for this marriage ending.

There seems to be almost a justification for your wifes decisions and although you clearly still love her, you also have a right to feel and express anger and disappointment.
I sense that your long post, detailing the course and events of the marriage is your way of rationalising what has happened. this is ok, because it may help you to see where things have taken a different path, but do not forget your emotions.

In order to accept what has happened and then move forwards, you must express the feelings and emotions that go alongside your thoughts.

No offence taken c_g! I have more or less written war & peace so understandable that there might be some skimming to get through it all…!

Counselling has been offered, we’re both just not the types for it. As far as leaving goes, just been for a couple of pints with my bro & he asked me the same – I could try to extend if I want, but I don’t want. Even if this wasn’t happening, I’ve had my fill, its not what it was when I joined at the end of the 90s, I’m sick of the return to really serious politicisation of the top brass, to the point where we’re back to them being completely disconnected & at odds with the feeling at the Cole face. Morale in the rank & file, both officer & soldier, is through the floor & a lot of people who didn’t get voluntary redundancy are signing off anyway. No job is enjoyable all the time but when you get to the point that more often than not you wake up in the morning thinking I don’t want to go to work, then its time to go. Unfortunately for me, I’m at a point in my service where I’m in a pension trap & I’d be committing financial suicide by signing off this close to my pension point.

Same for my wife in that respect with pension.

Forgot to add, the counselling was offered too late anyway, like in the last few days. had we received the support I’d asked for, admittedly informally,earlier we might have been able to make use of it though.

Of course it’s going to be difficult discussing your marriage with a complete stranger. There’s nothing like being put on the spot and answering awkward questions that you would rather not answer! There comes a time when one has to face reality and take a good look at oneself.

You obviously really want to save your marriage so you need to be pro-active and your wife needs to see that. There will be other counselling available, ie Relate, but may possibly involve a wait.

With regard to your work, that really is one less thing to take into account.

Sometimes its easier to talk to strangers – no vested interest – and no doubt why these kinds if threads are not uncommon on STW!

The counselling on offer was with relate – its contracted out…!

She’s not in a hurry for us to start seeing solicitors so maybe once the dust has settled over the last few days & we’ve given our son a good Christmas, my mind has stopped racing, I can think about trying to change her mind. But I don’t want to get my hopes up only for them to be dashed…

Edit – sorry, misunderstood your meaning, you’re talking about strangers as in counsellors not STW!