- This topic has 31 replies, 22 voices, and was last updated 9 years ago by gordimhor.
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Am I being a dick/ what would you do?
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wanmankylungFree Member
Me and the mother of my children have split up and are getting divorced. It’s looking likely that I will be moving to the Hebrides for work and to be honest to get as far away from her as reasonably practical whilst still having a decent amount of access to the kids – holidays and long weekends etc.
One of the reasons we split up was my incredibly poor relationship with her mother. Today my oldest son told me that his mother had been looking at buying a house near her mother – most likely funded by her mother. This would involve the kids moving school and being away from their friends and everything else that they do in Edinburgh. There are no suitable jobs for my soon to be ex-wife where her mother lives so she would be commuting to Edinburgh. This would mean that her mother would be providing lots and lots of childcare.
Herein lies the problem – when the ex’s parents got divorced she (the mother) poisoned the kids against their father to the point where two of them never spoke to him again and two of them didn’t go to his funeral. I do not trust her mother to not attempt to do this to my kids.
There is also the small matter of her step mum living very close to where they have been looking for houses. She is another nasty piece of work.
A legal battle is something that I would not win because her mother would simply get better lawyers than I could ever afford.
What would you do?
wanmankylungFree MemberAye – there is that, but she is adamant that I would be seeing them one weekend out of every fortnight and nothing more. I know that a court would give me more than that but I cant afford that route.
boxelderFull MemberTrust my kids not to be ‘poisoned’.
If she’s moving why don’t you stay in Edinburgh, where your kids will want to spend time.fasternotfatterFree MemberIt sounds nasty Wan. I hope it all turns out OK for you.
JunkyardFree MemberTake her to court as nothing is more precious than time with your kids. No matter whether you win or lose your kids will know you fought for access and that is priceless. These days the route will be mediation and it wont cost anything like you fear and the default settings where you get more 1 weekend and 1 x day per week. That is the least you will get anyway and any legal bod will tell her that,. Its very hard to argue for less [ unless you are along way away] as they are not arguing you are unfit just that you should have less.
FWIW its very hard for the parent to argue to keep the child more if they then need to rely on someone else to provide the care as it may as well be the other parent as AN Other.
Play the long game as YOUR kids will will make their own mind up about you as long as they see you.Defeat your ex with kindness and accept this will take years.
Ignore the MIL as you will never need to speak to her.
Similar situation here and it worked out ok over timeIMHO you need to be near your kids as when they become teenagers they have their own life and you need to fit in around them and they wont leave their friends etc to see you.
I have personal experience [ i was you about 5 years ago] of this and will chat off line if you wish on the subject
wanmankylungFree MemberI should say that the job in the Hebrides is an 18 month contract.
taxi25Free MemberWhy move to the Hebrides to avoid the ex ! There’s people I haven’t seen for 20yrs who live a couple of miles from me.
hopefiendboyFull Memberget legal advice asap, but i’m sure you’ve started this.
Good luck. BUt make sure as much as possible the kids remain the centre of your universe (MTBing etc as well I presume ;-))
JunkyardFree MemberDONT as family practice [ ie what you do or did before divorce] is what the courts will base any access decisions on.
hard to argue for more when you are miles away then hard to argue for more when you have not for the last 18 months of divorcegeoffjFull MemberStornaway is a shit hole. Some parts are nice to visit, but to live there – nope!
To see more of your kids you need to be near them – Lewis and Harris is not easy to get to.
Don’t do it,mrmoofoFull MemberThere seems to be some cutting off one’s nose to spit one’s face going on …
Life’s too short, move , live where you want to live, who gives a f*** about her mum!
DracFull MemberSorry to hear your sad news.
Me, I’d be staying as close to my kids as I could the mean world to me, moving miles away to an area that’s not easy to get to seems a bad idea.
MoreCashThanDashFull MemberJob in Hebrides will not help your cause. I’d be looking for something where you will be nearer the kids.
Hope you find a solution, awful thing to go through for all of you. Be the best man and dad you can be.
shermer75Free MemberSounds like some really good advice here. Mediation only(!) costs a few hundred quid AFAIK, my friend is going thru it now. Staying in Edinburgh sounds smart as well- moving so far away might provide them with evidence that they can use to further restrict access
crankboyFree Member“A legal battle is something that I would not win because her mother would simply get better lawyers than I could ever afford.”
I’m a lawyer I often win legal battles against better lawyers and lose against worse . Our job is to present the law and our client’s case so that the tribunal comes to a fully informed decision based on the correct information. We can and do make a difference but 9 times out of 10 it is the client and their case that decides the issue not the eloquence or suit or wig of the brief.wanmankylungFree MemberAssuming that I do stay in Edinburgh what are my options for maximising contact with the kids?
ChubbyBlokeInLycraFree MemberTrust my kids not to be ‘poisoned’.
I do sometimes wonder who falls for those Nigerian email scams.
To the OP – moving away is NOT the answer, you’re just letting the evil bitch loosecrankboyFree MemberOh and if I was you and I could I would stay in Edingburgh. I think it is not that small a town that you would bump into her all the time. It would be best for access to the kids and give you an argument to keep them in school and near friends. Plus its convenient for Glentress etc.
ChubbyBlokeInLycraFree MemberAssuming that I do stay in Edinburgh what are my options for maximising contact with the kids?
I was “one of the kids” in a divorce which sounds very similar to what you’ve described. Swallow what pride you have, talk to your ex, be as reasonable as possible. Ask to see the kids, don’t try poisonng but talk to them, it’s harder for them than it is for you, you at least understand what’s going on. The only way to stop the poisonong will be to stay in regular touch with the kids – that’s not going to happen if you’re on Lewis.
It’ll be hard, whatever happens, I hope it pans out for ypoucrankboyFree Member“options for maximising contact with the kids?”
Follow Junkyards advise. be Mr reasonable in all circumstances. Acknowledge and accommodate her needs and negotiate. Scotish law is not my area nor is family law but the prime rule is the welfare of the child presumption that the child is best off having meaninfull contact with both parents presumption that young children are best raised by mum presumption that you are best served by resolving things between you. The real difficulty is what to do if you need to go to court to get “your ” rights and she still refuses to comply the only sanction is to send her to prison for contempt many judges bend over backwards not to do that .
“Agree for the law is costly.”wartonFree MemberAye – there is that, but she is adamant that I would be seeing them one weekend out of every fortnight and nothing more
No way she can do that without good reason. look at Mediation.
don’t move to the other end of the country. if your MiL wants to poison you against the kids, it will be very easy. “look at him, he’s moved to the other end of the country, he doesn’t care about you”
I’d go into talks with shared custody as a starting point, half a week each.
skydragonFree MemberDifficult times, good luck OP
Ref Mediation – don’t bank on this, as your ex may not wish to attend and participate.
Regarding the rest, there is no right or wrong path to take, but be careful of wasting years of your life battling and arguing with your ex. It’s a waste of time and energy….and money, lots of money, which later you may realise was totally wasted on legal fees, for little or no benefit
I’d suggest making sure you live so that you can gain fairly easy access of the kids, see them as much as you can – but also realise that you have your own life to lead and you need to make sure you focus in that too. Your kids are important, but so are you.
HTH, it will get better
Be the best man and dad you can be.
good advice. In my experience, you’ll end up a better person as a result of this, although it may not feel like it right now
edenvalleyboyFree MemberWork out what you want from the situation – then base all decisions around achieving those goals E.g. If you want to see your children as much as possible then live as close as you can etc…
kudos100Free MemberHerein lies the problem – when the ex’s parents got divorced she (the mother) poisoned the kids against their father to the point where two of them never spoke to him again and two of them didn’t go to his funeral. I do not trust her mother to not attempt to do this to my kids.
My father did the same thing to me, against my mother and I f***ing hate him for it. I’d be relieved if he got hit by a bus, that is how much I despise him.
Whatever you do, try and always think about what is best for the kids, as they are the ones who end up screwed up as a result.
Look up Parental Alienation Syndrome and get some legal advice.
http://family-law.lawyers.com/visitation-rights/parental-alienation-syndrome.html
falkirk-markFull MemberIf you move away you will have less contact with the kids (Stornoway ain’t the easiest place to get to/from I have close relatives there) If you stay reasonably near you can see the kids regularly and your ex will find it harder to poison them against you. Try and get on with her as much as possible and remember the kids will make their own mind up about you one day.
nickcFull MemberHonestly?
Grit your teeth and start building a better relationship with the mothers, and your ex. If you think that they will try to poison your kids against you, then do your damnest to make sure it doesn’t happen.
Moving to the Hebrides will not help.
skydragonFree MemberTo add – another useful bit of advice…realise from day1 that solicitors are in business to make money.
They are not your friend, they are not a councilor, they have little motivation to see you resolve your situation quickly and efficiently – it is in their interests generally to string things out for as long as possible. You won’t get many straight answers to your legal questions and it will be up to you to be proactive, ask the right questions and try to drive matters to a conclusion.
One of the few professions left where the customer is sold a service with little regard for prompt communication or customer satisfaction and with little certainty of outcome.
Not a rant against solicitors, but advice I wish I’d heeded a year ago.
HTH
kcalFull Member@skydragon – I know plenty solicitors. Some like you describe.Others – couldn’t be further from the truth. Good an poor in any profession / occupation.
So, what job do you do that’s a paragon of virtue and everyone’s super-attentive? :/
skydragonFree MemberI don’t claim to be paragon of virtue, I’m far from perfect, but darwins laws mean that business professionals in a competitive commercial environment (technology solution sales in my case) don’t last very long if they don’t perform.
At 300 quid an hour I expect a decent service and find it very disappointing when it isn’t forthcoming. Eg. Bizzare that communications take place by postal letters which take a few weeks each to draft (matters that could be resolved in 20 minutes in a normal business environment).
To be fair I have used the services of another solicitor (not family law) who was brilliant, very efficient, proactively explained process and risk and communicated via email….he even would return calls promptly…or text back within minutes if he couldn’t. The guy was a star, by anyone’s standards.
wanmankylungFree MemberThanks for all the responses. As much as I’d love to **** off and live on an island miles from anywhere, get some peace and quiet, and ride my bike, now is probably not the best time. Will try and persuade the messed up idiot that I married to go for mediation. It would also appear that it’s time for smile and wave practice. Cheers.
gordimhorFull MemberGood luck wanmankylung some good advice on this thread l have been there took the be Mr Nice route and it worked.
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