One of my two younger brothers has, after 10 years of living at home with my parents, recently left home for the bright lights of London – and a decent job.

It’s been a long time coming and there have been some bumps in the road. He has trouble with drinking and is not wise with money, bills and so on. Most frustratingly, he has a high sense of pride – he won’t recognise these things and often lies to avoid them.

I used to confront him when I was younger, but between being busy with my own family / job and wanting to get along; I’ve just enjoyed his witty company and been for lots bike rides together.

He is a lovely, caring and clever man who clearly loves my children. He is now in a good job in central London, earning a good wage and living independently.

I am, however, concerned by what appears to be him deceiving my parents and others (including me) for money in recent weeks. My other brother and I have both been “conned” through some far-fetched story in the last week and, having spoken to my mum tonight, I think she has too.

He has also, before starting the job in London, had a series of destructive drunken episodes (including with me) – that have either threatened or already burned bridges irrevocably with close friends and family.

I’m a bit stuck on how to approach this. I find my mum especially hard to deal with, as she refuses to believe that she is being deceived (my dad sees it, but gets upset and stuck too).

The brother in question is lucid, intelligent and warm. But he also values “face” immensely and won’t talk openly about these issues; he tends to respond extremely difficultly. Reasons for hope include that he likes riding his MTB with me.

Any advice welcome. My wife suggested a Dear Mariella letter (the Guardian’s sort-of agony aunt), but I thought I’d try here first!!

Sorry Mods: wrong forum!

Take him for a bike ride and talk about it.

Saturday guardian family section has a good advice column, written iirc by Annalise Barbieri(?sp). Sounds tricky, to sort his issues will require him to have insight, but when it affects you and the rest of your family to this extent you need to act. Some tough love might be needed…..

Get him to sign up here and see if he notices your thread

Tricky situation, I feel for you.

My first question is, why do your close family pussyfoot around him? None of you appear to have the the stomach for confronting him, which is probably why he behaves as he does, he gets away with it. His behaviour sounds passive-aggressive, which could explain why.

You and your close family need to remove your rose tinted specs and to be blunt, grow some.

From the information you have given, he sounds like he is an aggressive, deceitful, self-centred person who takes zero self-responsibility, lies to his loved ones and has a drink problem. Here’s hoping he doesn’t find coke while he’s living the life in good old London Town.

One of you needs to have a mano-mano with him. Who might he ‘respect’ or fear the most? Your father? You? Are you the eldest sibling? It’s possible that hard and fast ultimatums will need to be set and adhered to by all of you, including your mother, if he is to change his behaviour and even then, we only change our behaviours after we have personally acknowledged and accepted our old patterns.

As said above, it is beyond time for tough love.

Whilst this may all seem quite harsh, personal experience suggests that leopards do not change their spots, so I wish you and your family good luck and fortitude.

Ask to meet up, confront then youve at least spoken it. Let him live his life.

It’s time for some tough brotherly love. You have lent him some money, either from being ‘conned’ or through a genuine reason. This at least gives you a reason/excuse to speak to your brother about your concerns.

Talk about it. My brother had drink issues. I didnt talk about it. He’s dead now.

What has him being black got to do with it?

go out on the piss with him and get him to open up once he’s had a few.
tbh my first thought was coke as well. can be an expensive habit. drink can be had cheaply if you’re into that but coke can’t. Why do you think he needs money? just mismanagement or something else?

The 3 of you (brothers) get together and have a beer/chat

go out on the piss with him and get him to open up once he’s had a few.

Worst advice ever. He has drink issues, so you suggest they go out on the lash?

You need an intervention, that will likely start with “We don’t care that this will make you look bad; we are family so will stick by you”

If you can get Mum onside, he’ll have no weak link who he can go panhandling to.

But, he will still lead his own life and make his own mistakes. So long as no-one else is hurt by his shenanigans you may have to let him make them. So long as he knows he isn’t impressing anyone by the dishonesty he may not see the need to do it.

I’m not sure that Scottchegg’s advice above has any basis in personal experience but I would say the exact opposite..

The guy clearly needs some straight talking, but I’d be looking to do it in a comfortable environment in the first instance

The TLDR is you have a brother with a drink or money (or potentially drugs) problem – it’s got to the “problem” stage because he is lying to/conning family members.

You’ve got a couple of options – ultimatums etc or cutting him off.

In the end, it will be his decision to want to end / change his behavior. If he’s anything like the family members we’ve had to deal with, it will take a few false starts but will eventually come good (hopefully).

CBT helped in our family members case, but you’re a long way from that if he’s still at the anger / denial phase.