My mum has just died, she has been in a hospice for a month iam coping ok thanks.
my mum had been very good to my son and my daughter, but even though they knew she was in a hospice neither of them came to visit her, she was in the hospice from before christmas and there was nothing that stopped thme visiting.
i know they are my kids but at this moment i feel totally let down by themm, they are both expressing their sadness but i dont want to talk to them.to make it worth my brothers son my nephew couldnt have done more, getting her shopping, visiting her regularly etc.
should i ignore these feelings are they not relevant, any condolences to me on their part seem false and even though i know they are upset i still wont to talk to my kids, im so disappointed.
thing is its not my position to make them feel any more guilty than they may or may not already, and i will express how let down i feel by them.
im not exactly sure what is my question here, am i wrong to be disappointed and let down, is it my place to make them feel better.

Different folk deal with ‘the end’ in different ways. They might not want to see granny in such a state; and prefer to remember her as she was.

Have not spoken to your kids about this before? It might have been better to understand what they were thinking and how you felt about it while there was still a chance to change behaviour.

Has it been discussed?

My condolences.

We all have our own personal ways of dealing with terminal illness. It’s not unusual for people to feel unable to face visiting even close relatives in a hospice environment, so it’s hard to gauge their motivations/lack of motivations.

My only advice would be to think carefully before raising the issue of your disappointment with them, particularly at a point when you are all grieving, visibly or otherwise, and these kinds of conversations can wound all the more deeply.

When in stormy seas it’s best to not go making even more waves. Let the dust settle and see if you still feel the same way. If you do then you might wish to consider discussing things then. Too much potential to do too much long term damamge at present.

As above. Folk deal with this in different ways. This is a time for understanding and looking to family bonds. If you’re otherwise close to your kids, try to put your current feelings to one side.

thanks for the replies, physically cant talk to them with being disappointed.
even though everyone deals in things in different ways, i cant get my head around the fact it isnt about what they needed to do for themselves but how they could have made my mum a little happier.
my son is 19, daughter is 30, neither of them phoned me or the hospice in the month she was there, i told them both i would pay any costs for them to get to see her. it hadnt been discussed from my end as even though she was in a hospice she was due to come out on monday, she was going to get a live in carer, so her death has come as a shock that it happened more suddenly than expected.
all they knew was that she was in a hospice, they never asked any more!!
i think the less waves the better as you say, but i cant find it in me to be in conversation with them at the moment, whatever that means for the future

i wasnt that clkose to them, i split with my sons mum, and we see each other occasionaly, my daughter moved away and lives in wales and we saw each other a couple of times ayear, but they WERE close to my mum

but i cant find it in me to be in conversation with them at the moment

Perfectly normal reaction to parental death. It’ll pass.

When my gran became ill and was in hospital I visited her a couple of times. She wasn’t my gran anymore just an empty shell lying in a hospital bed not knowing what was going on or who I was. I rang my Dad to explain I’d not be visiting anymore telling him why, he said he understood. Now I’m quite use to seeing people in these sort of condition but when it was one of my family I found it very difficult to deal with it so that what was best for me.

They haven’t let you down or her they wanted to remember he how she was in better times not memories of how she was in the hospice.

Sorry to hear that Lester

If they’re good kids generally and spent time with your mum when she was well then maybe it’s just they were uncomfortable with seeing her decline.

Mind, if she’d asked to see them and they wouldn’t go, I guess I’d find that hard to swallow.

(FWIW my nana died when I was about 20. She pretty much brought up me and my brother jointly with my mum & dad and we were very close but she insisted that we weren’t told that she was dying. First I knew was when she phoned our house in agony on the morning of the day she died and I went over to be with her. TBH I felt sort of cheated and rejected at the time, but people deal with this shit in their own ways and I guess it was her call)

Lester, condolences. Good advice above especially re the waves. Tough time emotionally and easy to offend each other unintentionally. As others said, we all approach death differently. We had a small hiccup with my dads funeral where there was some upset and my advice to those concerned was to let it go. We deal with things differently.

Some people do not want a picture of their loved ones at their end. It can haunt you (for want of a better word). My main mental picture of my grandfather is of him in his hospital bed. I wish the first thought was different. Ditto my dad. I have photos all around to hide the horrible picture of him in the final ward desperate for a drink but no one there to give it to him. It brings tears to my eyes now. Perhaps they wanted to avoid that.

Whatever you decide don’t rush conversations. Time may bring understanding and healing. Sorry to hear about the loss and the distress.

i very very rarely contribute to topics on here but felt i wanted to share my experience with this..but i do understand where your coming from BUT i also have first hand experience of family questioning me when my dad died..before he died after a long illness in hospital i saw him once..the rest of the family were there every day and visitors and his friends would drop by,
personally it was destroying any ability i had to function seeing him like that,i saw him on my own privately,tucked him up and said what every son needs to say to there dad and some point,i left the ward and never went back,he died a 3 weeks later and i got a bit of stick of family and friends for not seeing him,i was fine with it because i understood exactly where they were coming from,death brings up all kinds of emotions,but i was also fine with how i did it,i said goodbye in my own way and my last vision of dad is him being tucked in for the night with his strong jawline and sharing a laugh when he actually farted because of his meds!..i guess im trying to say that maybe your kids made peace with it in there own way and if they have they may be able to discuss it with you as adults so if you feel it would help you deal with your grief then maybe broach the subject..
sorry for the long post….i sincerely wish you the best.

We all deal with this in different ways. Your children are important. Making them feel guilty won’t help them or you and you all have a full life ahead of you, don’t mess that up with pointless guilt issues.

I think you’ll need to talk to someone who is closer to your children. It could be they just couldn’t face it and they are deeply upset or they really might just be a pair of self centred shits. Hopefully it’s the former.

First, condolences on your loss. It can hurt.
Sorry, but this

they WERE close to my mum

doesn’t sseem to be correct. if they were, they would have done something. People handle things in different ways that’s true, but if you’re indifferent about something you’ll act indifferently. Are you sure you’re not just projecting your expectations on them, and disappointed because they didn’t act in line with your feelings? I regularly get grief about not being around when my father has a difficult time and people just don’t understand that I simply don’t care. It might be easier if I could be arsed to pretend I did so people would stop telling me what I should be feeling and doing but I can’t be and would like that to be the end of it. It’ll be relief when he does finally peg out. Are you sure that’s not where your kids are?

Sorry to hear that OP. I agree wholly with Martin’s wise words. Wishing you lighter and healing times ahead.

Sorry about your Mum ,very difficult.

Don’t have a go at your 2 . No gain imo. If you loose it and start ranting it wont get you anywhere.
Maybe give them an easy out. Text or email something along the lines of
” I know you wanted to remember Gran the way she was and not see her suffer in the hospice. The funeral will be on XX at XX oclock , please ensure that you are there “

Also, and i dont know if you have siblings but its tricky with your Mums stuff but try to have an amnesty on people walking off with little keepsakes. Lad at work has had this with is gran . Jewelry , clocks etc just being taken ‘as momento’s’ without permission.

If you like a drink , have a drink , get spannered just once. Then put it away for a wee bit. Just an idea , and my condolances again.

OP you are dealing with some powerful emotions relating to the death of your mother so please do not do anything you will regret. I can empathize with your feelings that your kids should have made more effort but beware of displacing your anger at your sense of loss onto them.

When my father died suddenly when I was 19 I displaced my sense of loss and grief by becoming very practical about arrangements and focused on looking after my Mum. I think part of this was to push away the difficult feelings I was struggling to deal with and I think it is pretty common.

Is there anyone who could mediate between you and your kids. If a sympathetic relative could explain to them how hurt and disappointed you are with them it would let them know how you are feeling and hopefully defuse any potential confrontation when you next meet.

I could easily never speak to my brother and sister if I dealt with recent events but that’s not my way. My wife has not spoken to her brother in almost 10yrs since her mum died. He was her favourite and they don’t really get on. Wife has never shed a tear and has difficulty understanding people who still “suffer” years after loved ones pass away.

My mum had been ill having taken a stroke post OP for a burst varicose vein and subsequently dementia set in. She then had to go into a home due to her becoming violent both towards my dad and her carers. She was in the home for 18mths before her systems finally failed. Dad and I tucked her in one night when she was in hospital and passed away a few hrs after we left her having sat beside her for some time. My sister lives some 70mls away and brother has a phobia around hospitals(there are reasons)and never visited her in the home or hospital at any time over those 10yrs.
My sister was rushed into hospital last week with a burst appendix and had an emergency op. I visited as often as shifts allowed. My dad in as been in hospital for the past week, I’m the only family visitor, granted sister is recuperating. However this is his 4th time in the past year and I’m the only family visitor. At 85 knowing his lungs, heart and a herniated asophigous(sp?)he knows he hasn’t got long but it’s not easy watching him suffer as it wasn’t watching mum suffer for all that time. Wife’s parents succumbed to cancer quite quickly!

I visited my dad’s dad and my mums mum when they were on the way out. My gran “waited” till I returned form holidays and passed away hrs after my visit.