…and asks the barman for a pint.

“Blimey!” says the barman. “A duck that can talk!”

“Yeah? So what?” replies the duck. “I can walk, fly, swim, talk, read…. I’m even a qualified plasterer. How about that pint?”

So the duck goes and sits down with his newspaper and his pint. A few minutes later the door opens and in walks a circus ringmaster.

“Hey!” says the barman. “You ought to go and talk to that duck, he’s clever! He could come and work at your circus!”

The ringmaster goes over and chats with the duck: “How about coming and working for me?” he asks.

“Okay” replies the duck, “I’m always interested in the next job…. but a circus you say? Isn’t that a big tent with poles and hole in the roof and canvas walls?”

“Yes” replies the ringmaster.

“Well why the **** would you be needing a plasterer?”

😀

When you get a simple bizzie not finding something funny, it really is time to get your coat. 😐

A policeman stops a man walking through town as he’s got a penguin with him

“Take that penguin to the zoo” He orders the man

Next day the policeman is out on patrol when he sees the same man walking along the street with the same penguin

“I thought I told you to take that penguin to the zoo” he says

“We did”, says the man, “and today we’re going to the cinema”

a limbo-dancer walks into a bar……. he came third.

Two dogs telling jokes:

Dog 1: Knock Knock

Dog 2: Goes Nuts……….

…and asks the barman for a pint.

“How you gonna pay” asks the Barman

“Just put it on my bill….”

I thought this was going to be about Craft Beer.

A password cracker walks into a bar.
Orders a beer.
Then a Beer.
Then a BEER… beer… b33r… BeeR… Be3r… bEeR… bE3R… BeEr..

…and asks the barman for a pint.

“We don’t serve Ducks get out!!”

Duck walks out

The next day the same Duck walks in to the pub and asks the barman for a pint.

“I told you, we don’t serve Ducks get out!!”

Duck walks out

The next day the same Duck walks in to the pub and asks the barman for a pint.

“I told you, we don’t serve Ducks get out!!”

Duck walks out.

The next day the same Duck walks in to the pub and asks the barman for a pint.

“I told you, we don’t serve Ducks get out!!”

Duck walks out.

The next day the same Duck walks in to the pub and asks the barman for a pint.

“I told you, we don’t serve Ducks get out and if you come in again I’m gonna nail your beak to the bar!!”

Duck walks out

The next day the same Duck walks in to the pub and asks the barman for a nail.

“I haven’t got any nails!!!!”

shouts the barman

“I’ll have a pint then please”

Bloke goes to a circus audition.

The auditioner(?) says ‘what’s your party piece then?’ and the home says ‘bird impressions’.

The auditioner says ‘bird impressions? Not interested, you’ll need to do more than a bit of whistling to work in my circus’.

‘Your loss’ says the bloke as he flew off…

I like Duck jokes, they quack me up

….and gets it’s head bitten off by devs’ dog.

^
Like Dannybgoode’s 🙂

To the bar!

A Roman walks into a bar, sticks 2 fingers up at the barman and says ‘Five beers please mate’

The duck song….. Got any grapes???
[video]http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=MtN1YnoL46Q[/video]

A man in a cinema notices what appears to be a duck sitting next to him.
“Are you a duck?” asked the man, surprised.
“Yes” replied the duck
“What are you doing at the movies?” asked the man.
“Well, I liked the book” replied the duck.

An eagle spots a flock of geese, and notices that they all have yellow beaks except the one the back. Intrigued, he swoops down and flies alongside the rear marker.

“How come your beak is brown, when all the rest have yellow beaks?” He asked
“Well, I can fly just as fast as the others, but I’m not as good at stopping.”

A Roman goes into a bar and orders a Martinus.
“Did you mean a Martini?” asks the barman.
The Roman says “if I wanted a double, I’d have asked for one!”

How do you turn a duck into a jazz musician?

Put it in the oven until its Bill Withers.

To convey something of an in-joke:

Friend of mine is an accomplished jazz musician and a good friend of his lives a couple of blocks from Carnegie Hall in New York. Sometimes when people ask how to get to his place, he’ll say ‘Practice, practice, practice… then south two blocks and go left on ‘whatever street’. Mildly amusing when you know the ‘How do you get to Carnegie Hall?’ joke…

I think that the plastering duck is on stw! 😯

http://singletrackworld.com/forum/topic/any-plasterers-in-a-plastering-question-about-plastering

@globalti

😀