she’s clearly having an affair with your tattooed, married, home-owning, woman-impregnating, rich, well-hung next-door neighbour.

I’m not a lawyer by the way, so I wouldn’t advocate murdering anyone, especially not your neighbour, or his dog.

ust light your farts before sex,very manly and you might even singe the face fungus off.

it works for me 😀

but, if you get a sons of anarchy tattoo, and you’re not actually in the sons of anarchy they’ll burn it off with a blow torch, won’t they???

I’ve been married too long. I can actually see your GF’s logic.

My wife had a proper red faced foot stamping storming off shitfit a few weeks ago in boots because I didn’t want her to buy me a bottle of moisturiser with spf15.

“MY GOD, WHY WON’T YOU THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU WILL LOOK LIKE WHEN YOU’RE FORTY?????”

Wimminz is mental and I am afraid you will just have to deal with that.

You waz in Boots with a women?
you’re lost already.

“ust light your farts before sex,very manly and you might even singe the face fungus off”

like he is having sex anytime soon…

I saw a guy in the street last week who had a tat of a fried egg on toast…on his forehead. A proper man!

like he is having sex anytime soon…

Made me spill my tea laughing!

Can I do my beard joke?
If **** gives you hairy palms,how did you get that beard?

On this theme, clicky ready –

Things my girlfriend and I have argued about

One of my favourite lines:

Margret jack-knifes from argument to argument, jigs direction randomly and erratically like a shoal of Argument Fish being followed by a Truth Shark.

Just get the tattoo it’s for the best. … but wait till she tells you which tattoo you want. 🙂

As a married man of some 27 and a half years I can safely say that some of you poor chaps ain’t got a hope in hell of achieving many years together if your other halves have pissy fits over moisturisers with SPF 15 or the fact some of you aren’t manly enough for them already!
My advice, drop em and find one that likes you for who you are and not for aesthetics!

Loads of good ones there:

Our sink is blue and we’re not talking about it. It happened over a week ago; I was leaning over the sink, brushing my teeth, when I noticed that there was a sort of lazuline patina that had seeped over most of the surface. Margret hasn’t mentioned anything about this. Why she hasn’t is that she’s obviously tried to clean the sink with, well, I don’t know, some fluid used for stripping entrenched cerriped colonies from the hulls of submarines or something (they were probably offering three bottles of the stuff for the price of two at Aldi). She is waiting for me to mention it. But I am a wily fox, and will be doing nothing of the sort. I’m no wet-behind-the-ears, naive youth anymore, not by a looooong way, and I can perfectly see the spiked pit the seemingly innocent words, ‘Did you know the sink’s blue’ are covering. It would go – precisely – like this:
Me: Did you know the sink’s blue?
Margret: Yes. I did. I used a jungle exfoliant produced by the Taiwanese military to clean it, and it discoloured the surface.
Me: Oooooooo. K.
Margret: Well maybe, just maybe, if you cleaned the sink once in a while…
You see what she did there? Now I’m facing a whole day of ‘When did you last…?’ Well, not this canny fellow – not this time, my friends.
Our sink is blue and we’re not talking about it.

carrying contraband. TOOT TOOT!

given that toot is cocaine, can we therefore assume you are in charge of a nationwide coke network using scooters as delivery vehicles?

That motorbike picture is rubbish.

It’s a two stroke – they don’t go braaaaaap.
They go ring a ding ding.
Amateurs.

She still wants a baby btw.

And Mrs Toast is a coke mule!
Who knew?

Things my girlfriend and I have argued about

Weird coincidence time – was reading that, then followed a link to this page, where he mentions his friend The Reverend Stuart Campbell – who now runs the Wings over Scotland website that’s being discussed over on the independence thread…

My Mrs whilst being totally awesome in every sense is still female* so still occasionally goes in for this sort of logic

Me: Did you know the sink’s blue?
Margret: Yes. I did. I used a jungle exfoliant produced by the Taiwanese military to clean it, and it discoloured the surface.
Me: Oooooooo. K.
Margret: Well maybe, just maybe, if you cleaned the sink once in a while…
You see what she did there? Now I’m facing a whole day of ‘When did you last…?’

*and TBF I’m still male so cleaning is not my strong point…plus I’m not as canny as that blogger

I eat two-fingered Kit-Kats like I’d eat any other chocolate bars of that size, i.e., without feeling the need to snap them into two individual fingers first. Margret accused me of doing this, ‘deliberately to annoy her’.

Margret really is special!

Have we done the very brief summary yet?

Because she’s a woman

(coat’s already on)

given that toot is cocaine, can we therefore assume you are in charge of a nationwide coke network using scooters as delivery vehicles?

See, I didn’t know that toot was a slang term for cocaine. That’s awesome! It’ll definitely help me in branding my scooter-based coke delivery service!

Margret really is special!

All women are, don’t you know anything!

I have been married for 12 years now. The nearest I can get on the OP’s circumstances is that he’s failed a test.

I can’t fathom the nature or purpose of said test, but I am 100% sure you have failed it.

Obviously she loves you so much and you wanting to get a motorbike means you don’t love her as much as she thought and you don’t see a future together as motorbikes are obviously dangerous and you will end up dead just like all the other motorbikers. How can you build a home and life together when you are dead?? Selfish pig, you don’t deserve her!!

I was asked to tidy up and clean our bedroom. As a major contribution to that, I threw away a large proportion of the carrier bags from shops MrsDummy likes to keep, stored one inside the other, in a corner of the room. I thought I was safe, because I selected 10 of the bags and left them in place, throwing out only 20-30.

Needless to say, she noticed instantly and had a good shout about me throwing away her possessions. I explained that packaging material was not really a type of possession that is covered by the rule against being randomly thrown away during tidying up, and that the only people who keep large numbers of carrier bags in their bedrooms are usually known to social services. Apparently those people don’t have carrier bags from Liberty.

🙂

Apparently those people don’t have carrier bags from Liberty.

This is true.

It’s like wolfsbane to social workers, your Liberty carrier bag, so they stay well away.

Maybe the OP’s missus was angling for him to get a tattoo declaring that he was her property, or with the date of their anniversary or something, to show COMMITMENT.

On a similar note to the earlier link
http://www.27bslash6.com/arguments.html

Maybe the OP’s missus was angling for him to get a tattoo declaring that he was her property, or with the date of their anniversary or something, to show COMMITMENT.

This conversation (or a similar one) has occoured before. She wanted her name and/or our anniversary. I think I might suggest the chassis number of my first car as a comprimise.

The argument blog has made my eyes go all funny. urgh.

http://www.27bslash6.com/arguments.html

This is far more like us, especialy the cooking.

She can just about be trusted with steak, as long as you like it un-seasoned and overdone.

I think the OP’s girlfriend is being sarcastic.

She thinks the OP is getting a motorbike to be more tough and manly. Hence, the comments about tattoos – which she doesn’t want him to get because she’s being sarcastic.

Could be wrong though. I once had a chat with an eminent psychiatrist* and he said he had absolutely no idea how the female mind works.

*we were at dinner during a conference, before anyone asks.

This conversation (or a similar one) has occoured before. She wanted her name and/or our anniversary.

I’m sure she’s lovely, but…

Obviously she loves you so much and you wanting to get a motorbike means you don’t love her as much as she thought and you don’t see a future together as motorbikes are obviously dangerous and you will end up dead just like all the other motorbikers. How can you build a home and life together when you are dead?? Selfish pig, you don’t deserve her!!

Quite. My brother got his first bike at 17, went from 125/250/750, as soon as he could. Met girl, got married.
Girl doesn’t like bikes so much, bike languishes in garage. Girl leaves brother, feels she was too young, missed out on too much, (after 25 years!).
Brother gets bike out of garage, meets another girl, who likes horses, like first girl, also likes bikes. Result, 750 Honda replaced by 1300 Bandit.
No tattoos, though; she’s got those.
Moral? Bin the bint, replace with more understanding one.

I have a beard, and tattoos, some of which are in a son’s of anarchy stylee. I also have a custom Harley. Your other half would want to kill me after about five minutes.

I’m just glad it’s not only me who gets batshit crazy girlfriends

It feels like I have some kind of time warp / random massive memory loss half way through conversations sometimes. I’m sure 5 minutes of dialogue gets lost somewhere and I just get dropped in half way through

I just don’t listen to her rants any more, just say “what?” or “ok” in an uninterested voice after what is usually a tirade of thinly veiled abuse ended with a question. She doesn’t have the patience to say it again so gives up. I definitely still lose though, just the least painful way to lose…

If you’re being put in the dog house unreasonably then remember you can threaten that you can have a bed at my place if you want it 😀

Could you not just get a tattoo beard? It *might* just be an elegant way around the situation….ask the tattoo artist to hide some significant dates in it somehow, that way she’ll be pleased about anniversary/birthday/whatever…..