by Hannah Dobson
January 19, 2017
Your friend dies in a racing accident – this is not good. You decide to get back on a bike – this is good. You go to Chile to race – this sounds good too. Take a selfie while you’re out doing a recce of the route.
You discover and try and rescue some people who have crashed their jeep – not so good. But remember to take your helmet off as you run towards the jeep, because you want to look at your best while you’re rescuing them.
Oh dear. Does the passenger have some hideous looking virus thing? We have no idea why, but it seems like a good idea to run off with them towards that shack that you’ve conveniently discovered. Oh double dear. Has that virus person got something living and wriggling under their skin? Best have a closer look. Get really close, so you can see properly.
KERSPLATTER. Didn’t see that coming. Oh deary dear. Have you just had infected blood sprayed in your mouth? Luckily the shack has running water, so you can give yourself a good wash.
Oh, we’d all best get on our bikes and pedal a bit. Really fast, with a race number on. Don’t forget to switch the GoPro on before you set off.
Gosh. That was a bit scary wasn’t it. Just as well we can all ride our bikes really fast and really well.
But, oh no, there are men with guns. And they’re chasing us. We’d better ride some more. And now there are zombies, and a virus, and some more men, and the sick person that has a virus, and maybe we should help rescue them by riding our bikes really fast. Look out for those bags of blood hanging in those trees, they’re perfectly placed to take out a rider.
Stop riding fast for a moment and shine your bike light in your face while you look scared and record a message for whoever – or whatever – might find your GoPro. Because the first rule of GoPro is Record Everything. The second rule of GoPro is edit everything. Yes, chop it all up and make it into something no one understands.
We have no idea what is going on in this film. We can’t even figure out if the virus infected zombie people are to be protected or saved. And who are the men with guns? Are they trying to stop the spread of the virus, or are they scary people we should be running (or pedalling) away from? Perhaps the most confusing part is that this is just a trailer. How much more of this can there be?
So much confusion. But it has bikes in it. So at some point we’ll probably end up watching this, though we suspect that we’ll end up with the feeling that we should just have gone out for a ride instead. Or watched ‘Mountain Biking: The Untold British Story’ instead.