Top 13 Two Wheeled Terrors For Trick-Or-Treating

We know there are some of you out there who will say that all this Hallowe’en stuff is American capitalist consumerist nonsense and it’s not something sensible British adults should be wasting their time with. But then we suspect there are a few people who would say similar things about mountain bikes.

Apparently they don’t have Hallowe’en in Australia, but our Wil has happily thrown himself into things. An excuse to dress up, wear face paint, and scare children? It’s right up his street. Or should that be darkened alley?

No doubt there will be a few spooky themed night rides tonight. The Forum’s Monday Night Pub Ride group is heading up to ‘Mordor’, which seems appropriate. Who will pedal just a little faster as they pass that churchyard? Was that just a chilly damp hollow, or the cool breath of death? Is that the eyes of a Grimm, or a deer? And is that the wail of your fellow rider going over the bars, or being gored by the Devil himself?

Once we’re all tucked up in our beds, doors locked tight, night lights gently glowing for comfort, what will the Ghost Riders be taking out on the trails? We’re pretty sure Death moves with the times and will have seen that there’s more fun to be had on a mountain bike than on a pale horse. So what would he ride? And what about all his fellow wraiths from the underworld? What finishing kit will they all be fighting over? Which tyres give the best grip on the descent into Hell?

1. Ghost Bikes

So obvious, it’s probably too obvious. We think maybe Death would like something a little more obscure.

2. DMR Deathgrips

Does Death hold on tight? Or does he look uncannily relaxed as he glides over the trails? What profile grip is best suited to fleshless bones?

3. Karpiel Apocalypse & Armageddon

Definitely more obscure, although possibly lacking in practical performance. We reckon Death might like to lose a few stickers though. Clean polished metal to go with those bleached bones.

4. Rocky Mountain Slayer & Reaper

Do not fear the Reaper. Unless he’s riding behind you on this, in which case politely move to the side of the trail and let him pass, for he will be fairly shifting.

5. Specialized Butcher, Slaughter and Purgatory

Tyres for every surface as you take the Hounds of Hell out for a run on the moors.

6. Voodoo Cycles

Was that fall really your fault, or has Voodoo got control of you? Are you sure your arms didn’t just twitch involuntarily as you neared that rock? Is that a pin through your heart, or are you just a bit unfit? Should you perhaps have talked your next n+1 through with your partner before you ordered it?

7. Orange Blood

If vampires are scared of something as trifling as garlic then this should definitely keep them at bay. Pink! Tassles! Purple cranks! No dropper! We are terrified.

8. WTB Weirwolf

It’s not only Death that stalks the trails on Hallowe’en night, there are other ghouls and beasts abroad. Look out for anything with a set of Weirwolfs on – available only in 26in, they’re clearly something that has come back from the dead.

9. TORQ Ghost Ship Beer-flavoured Gels

When blood gets boring, or a bonk threatens, will the undead opt for a Ghost Ship Beer gel instead?

10. Trek Slash

We think Death’s scythe is more of a smooth swoop than a slash, but no doubt there’s the odd crazed knife murderer among the lost souls that will be shredding the trails tonight. Statistically we suppose there might be the odd crazed knife murderer among the lost souls that shred the trails and haunt our forum the rest of the year, but we’d rather not think about that.

11. TSG Creep Gloves

Definitely creepy. Possibly used by Death when he nips out to the supermarket for some late night munchies and doesn’t want to cause too much alarm with his boney fingers.

12. Evil Undead

Just look at that. Surely a bike fit for Death himself. Matt black, oozing pure evil. Death comes to us all, and if he lets us have a go on this bike first we might go quietly…

FGF 701 The Hydrate Or Die Edition

Share

Watch on

 13. Marzocchi Super Monster T

And what list of ghoulish mountain bike creations would be complete without a set of the one-and-only Marzocchi Super Monster T’s? Complete with a monstrous amount of travel (300mm!) and that bolt-on ‘M’ fork arch, the Super Monster T’s would be ideal for Death’s downhill missions as he hucks his way from one victim to the next.

So, what creepy and ghoulish bikes and bike-related parts and accessories have we missed? What would be your ideal companion for a journey into the depths of the underworld?

---