WTF: Cyclotron Sells the Future- TODAY!

June 29, 2016

Stop press!  The Future of Cycling is here!

Cyclotron 1
(see- it says so right there)

OK, a future.  Maybe.

Space-age take on timeless "DUI Bars"
Space-age take on timeless “DUI Bars”

It’s sort of possible, right?

Families of the Future Unite!
Families of the Future Unite!

Um, probably not.

Billed as “the worlds most advanced and versatile Smart Bike,” the Cyclotron promises to be the next big step in the cycling evolution.  Digitally connected, built using space-age carbon fibre, and (of course) entirely spoke-free, the Cyclotron future is only ONE YEAR AWAY!

Not just a bicycle, the Cyclotron is “it’s [sic] own small universe” in which creatives and athletes can convene and collaborate to “improve the Cyclotron Universe with each day.”  Not only is it small for a universe, the Cyclotron is light for one too: mechanical 12-speed models are forecasted to weigh an impressive 25.35lb, with electronic and manual 18-speed models coning in at 26lb or less.  How?  Space Grade Composite Construction, of course.

Panniers- but with science.
Got an idea? Put it in my Utility Slot.

Why do futurists hate spoked wheels so much?  Maybe because they waste valuable luggage space with “swirled air?”  After all, if you can do away with spokes you can replace them with circular Utility Slots, which can be filled with messenger bags, baskets, electric motors, or child seats.   Of course, front wheel mounted accessories (like the Butterfly baskets pictured above) could make for interesting handling on breezy days- but no matter: progress will not be stopped.

Neither ergonomics nor spellcheck can stop the FUTURE!
Neither ergonomics nor spellcheck can stop the FUTURE!

Before you say that this is all too good to be true, consider the price:  these revolutionary lightweight, aerodynamic, spokeless bicycles can be had for as little as €999 (£825) with a 100% satisfaction guarantee.    Yeah, we’re going to stick with too good to be true.

While we truly wish the Cyclotron team the best in their project (and are impressed that they have built what appears to be a rideable prototype), regardless of their merit there are so many leaps here that it’s hard to picture any future in which this project can deliver in the time frame promised.   Remarkably, the Cyclotron Kickstarter Project has already been funded to the tune of $47,000 with a target of $56,000 (£43,000) and nearly a month to go.  That’s right, to date twenty-six Cyclotrons have been pre-sold for June 2017 delivery.  If any supporters are reading, we’d honestly love to hear from you in a year’s time.

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