Look! Listen – can you smell something?
I close my eyes. I can smell the ichor of damp loam, the thrub of tyres amidst the verdant woodland. I can see the dappled lightdarklightdark of sun drenched woodland at speed. I can feel the breeze against my exposed arms. I can hear the rushing pulsating of the wind in my ears and my ragged pants. And then I open my eyes. The damp loam ichor is something the car brought in festering on the doormat. The tyre thrub is the same cat repeatedly depositing gland-stuff onto the tyre in the hall. The dappled lighdark is my computer’s web browser in the process of crashing, the breeze is number2 daughter about to throw up on my arm, the wind in my ears is number1 daughter trying it insert pencils somewhere she shouldn’t, and my ragged pants really need replacing but I never get to M&S in time.
Never mind; it’s nearly the weekend! Here are some Fresh Goods to make us feel better.
Kona Process 153
Yes, we’ve had one before (look out for an imminent review!) but it’s gone back now – and James asked very nicely if he could have a quick play on an Extra Large one. And here it is! Isn’t it a beaut? Loooooooong, loooooooooow, and blessed with 153mm of gloriously plus travel. James is itching to jump on board and hurtle down something inadvisable. Or maybe just itching.
Carbon bridge, fact fans. I love the way the Process sort of has its own advertising as graphics….
See? They’re at it again! It’d be ace if the wrote on the toptube “This Bike Will Make You FASTER”. Or just “NEOWWWW”. Actually, I think it’s be cool if they just wrote “This Bit Is Orange”.
Every gnar/enduro/whatever bike these days seemingly has to have at least one model in the range sprung by the renowned EKIP fork.
Arty shot, we know, Barney, we KNOW.
A large dollop of SRAM (this one runs with a 2×10 drivetrain – it’s a wonder you can squeeze a front mech in there anywhere)…
…and some Shimano stoppers. Gratifyingly large 203/180 rotors, too.
Price £2,899
From Kona UK
Rahox Brake Pads
Prices: €16.95 per pair
From: Rahox
Smith Forefront MIPS Helmet
Glowering Victorian Man looks wistfully for his dignity – scroll on for what other things we’ve made him wear this week. This is the least of them. The Forefront has the same drinking-straw tech as the regular Forefront, with the added protection that MIPS offers. Essentially it’s a thin articulated layer designed to transfer rotational forces to the helmet rather than, you know, your brain. Subarachnoid bleeds being one of the least fun things you can celebrate with after a ride.
Here you go – the grey bit is the MIPS layer. The helmet can rotate around it in the event of an event.
Price: £TBC
From: Saddleback
Forcefield Extreme Arm Protectors
We should point out that the gear that GVM will be sporting for a few piccies yet is designed to be worn under things considerably more bagular and fashionable. Plus it hulkifies the more weedy amongst us – so, win! But if you stand there like you’re trying to generate your own thundercloud with your beard static whilst someone takes pictures of you effectively in your underwear, it’s going to look pretty interesting. These are arm protectors. Jam packed with technology designed to stop your delicate pins from unwarranted damage. RPT (Repeat Impact Techology, it illogically stands for) means you can cock up repeatedly, and CE Level 2 and High TEch Nitrex Evo armour mean that flesh will remain essentially unsullied.
Price: £64.99
Forcefield Pro Shirt X-V-S
This was the closest thing GVM could find to a sword. Still, it works pretty well as a percussive weapon, it turns out (ow). The armoured shirt he sports here is made of BeCool polyamide fibre which is supposed be generally awesome and will prevent GVM from getting overheated when he battles Iron Man or throws himself off bikes. CE Level 2 again, lots of removeable protection, RPT again, antibacterial – which will disappoint GVM, as he was hoping to use bugs in his latest World Domination attempt, a side entry zip to prevent (some) embarrassing entry and egress accidents, and lots of other neat features.
Check out the size of that back protector! Only managed to get this shot by telling GVM I’d give him a Twix, and then capturing the resultant Victory Lap around the workshop.
Price: £169.99
Forcefield Contakt Shorts
LOOK AT THOSE BUNS! We’ve filed away some of the other shots from this session for private perusal. But you get the idea – 8 panel construction, removeable armour, coccyx, thigh and hip protection, a 3D Coolmax Silver pad, RPT again. Apparently you can also wear this as outerwear if you want to. But while it might preserve your modesty, I think it’s better if we quietly leave GVM to put on his best Racing Pyjamas and FullFace before leaving the building. Last time we let him outside in tight fitting clothing it wasn’t pretty. And we had to bribe the pet shop to let us have him back.
Price: £99.99
From: Forcefield
Nukeproof DH Kneepads
A fine and sturdy pair of knee/shinpads which will keep GVM’s knees safe when he sinks to them in despair at his latest questionable plan coming to naught. Breatheable softshell awesomesauce with padded kevlar. Ooooh.
Price: £64.99
From: Hotlines
Acre Traverse Shorts
Some slender shortage modelled by the perma-shy James. Fashionably long, decent material, good cut
Price: $165
Acre clothing availabie from: Urban Cyclery or Acre
Front Race Mudhugger
Front mudguard – follows the curvature of the earth wheel and keeps crap from entering the same approximate geographical location as your face. Made of plastic and light.
Price: £23.00
From: Mudhugger
Tifosi Elder Sunglasses
Hellooooo ladies. The glasses are made of Grimalid TR-90 apparently. It’s a homopolyamide nylon. All together – ooooooooh. Bendy, and strong, and good looking. Like Barney. Well, one out of three isn’t bad (he can still touch his toes, when he can see them). Vented lenses to prevent fogging, too. Speaking of which…
There are clear and orangey ones, too (too orangey for crows).
Price: £59.99
From: Zyro
BikeMonger t-shirts
Charleston Bikemongue (his real name, fact fans) comes up trumps again with these tees. Barney’s eyebrows really do that, apparently. We think he looks like something out of Star Trek. A tribble, probably.
And here’s Our Glorious Leader. Don’t ask.
Price: £14.99
From: Charlie
MD-1 Mudguard
More mudguardage, but this time made of bendy plastic to cut a fine jib on your forks. That last sentence doesn’t even *begin* to work.
Price: £9.99
From: Madison
Kali Maya Enduro helmet
An impressively peaked helmet from Kali, that Barney brought back from a recent Orbea launch. It makes Gloria here look like she’s from CHiPS for some reason – although a quick google quickly negates that…
Price: £89.99
From: NRG4
LOTS of Gloves. Well, 3 pairs.
Alpinestars F-Lite glove £19.99 From Alpinestars
Answer Enduro gloves £24.95 Hotlines
Sombrio Prodigy From: Sombrio. Price TBC
Alpinestars Paragon Kneeguards
Chipps brought these back from That There Americals. Light, comfy-looking. Luckily, these aren’t Chipps’ knees. And yes, those shorts are being held aloft – we don’t normally run them that baggy, that high. In public anyway. What we do in private is our business. OUR BUSINESS, y’hear?
Price: £34.99
From: Alpinestars
Knog Qudos light
It sticks next to your GoPro and illuminates the things that you’re trying to film. Clever, eh? Like that night time trail, or that embarrassing thing your mate does when he thinks there’s no-one else watching.
Price: £89.99
Knog Blinder Arc 5.5
550 lumens of pure, BLINDING LIGHT from such a teeny package. Lithium Ion, USB rechargeable. Ace. we reckon, as a backup helmet jobby or as a commuter on its own. POW.
Price: £91.99
Knog stuff from Moore Large
And we’re done! Right.
Narrows eyes.
It actually looks sunny outside, but knowing my luck that will INSTANTLY turn to foetid murk in the time it takes me to go downstairs and open the door. But be that as it may, I WILL RIDE TONIGHT! Rode in this morning, so I’ve got no choice, really. WOOP!
Have a fantastic weekend, y’all. Toodlepip!
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Flippin’eck
It’s like being back in the days of Philippe Perakis!
…but with more beard 🙂
Dear Dog, I’m old enough to remember who he is.
My car has never brought anything in.
Are you sure you’re feeding it enough?
That Kona looks like it could bring some fun adventures.